My 2013

Well,
I can't say I had a crazy ass bad year,
And I can't say I had a good one idea.
It wasn't pleasant,
But it wasn't too bad either.

Early in the year,
I thought it was still there,
And I believed it did.
Got stringed on,
Played along.
Hurt and trampled on too.
I learned to move on,
It was hard,
It was painful.
But I moved on.

I had my share of opportunities.
I went to Hong Kong for a competition,
An international event.
Happy as I was.
Got sick though.
But I was happy.
Performed in their opening ceremony,
Witness the competition finale,
Walked about in the streets of Hong Kong,
A moment of getaway from my reality life.

I also performed in a full length choral production with F'Wonderful Singers AKA Sing-A-Holics,
Tiring that it is,
But a good experience.
Through the dance routines,
From learning my solo lines,
To not being able to sing the solo for the show,
I learnt from the past not to hold the grudge for a minute longer,
I was stripped from the chance because of favoritism,
Not the first time,
And not the last.

Competed in the Solo singing competition,
Didn't get into the finals,
But watched all the veterans and friends performed and compete.
The best show to watch!

Performed in the academy's teacher's pet,
Took my 4th and 6th graded exams,
Came out with merit for both!

My lows were that I failed jury,
And could not proceed to degree with my then semester batch.
Worked like mad in the next one,
Finally could forward to degree!

2014 won't be easy again.
May have more ups and lows too,
But I am pulling my gear up,
And march forward to the challenges ahead!

This is to those who belittle me,
To those who took me for granted,
To those who think I am a nobody,
I am coming back stronger than ever,
And no one could stop me.

Christmas Eve

To be honest, I have lost many friendships in the last 19 years. Some have grown away from me, some I have slowly left them unknowingly. Some I was best friends with, but because I have grown some feelings for them, they left me, thinking I might fall even deeper for them. I regretted all of those lost friendships. I miss everyone of them. The moments of laughing, smiling, arguing, and just plain chit chat. Sigh. I miss each and everyone of you.

Christmas eve moments always comes down to these thoughts.

No title

11.12.13 11:23pm

That's Why

*I want to be in the other person's shoes for once, because I had faced rejections multiple times. This doesn't bother me much. What bothers me the most is that I have lost many good friendships because of me. So this is to the people who rejected me because my harmonal feelings and school girl fantasy or dream. I wished you had not left me like that.*

I met James through a summer camp and we hit off right away.

We had the same common interest of lying on the grass in the night sky look at stars with our eyes or a telescope.

We done that throughout the camp duration.

After the camp have ended, we kept in touch and go out for movies and dinner sometimes. Maybe quite a lot for my best friend to notice it.

"Jess! Are you sure there is nothing going on between the two of you? You guys had been spending time with each other nearly every other weekend!"

My reply? "I only treat him as a really good friend..."

Suddenly out of the blue, he confessed that he had fallen for me. I didn't give him an answer only, "I want you to be silent and just walk me home..."

Its not that I don't like him, I really do, maybe even more than friends. But, I have gotten hurt and rejected so many times to follow my heart.

And I have lost so many friendships because of this.

That's why.

I don't think I ever will.

Walking down the road, holding my coat tighter as the autumn breeze came and went. I saw a couple from afar, holding each other in arms while strolling into my direction.

The closer they've got, the more I noticed the guy. Its him. Jim.

Jim was my ex. I saw him with his arms around the girl. Smiling, giggling.

At one moment, he saw me. I could sense the slow recognition of me just by the movements of his eyes.

I could feel the sudden tension in my chest when he finally recognizes me.

I somehow suddenly remembered about one time when we both were still together. I wonder if he remembers this.

"I will love you forever..."

He gave a sad smile with his reply,

"But I am so afraid that you may one day stop..."
After all these years, I was the one who was afraid. I was afraid of losing him. I love him, I still do.

I always have.

I haven't stop.

I don't think I ever will.

Timelined Emotions

This surge of sudden emotion,
Suddenly comes out of the sudden.
Suddenly feelimg lonely,
But knowing lonely for a long time.

Sudden tears will flow,
Some for a short time,
Other for a long time.
Many times in my life,

Past,
Present,
Future.
But each time is different.

In the past,
People would comfort me.
The ones who love me,
And mean a lot to me.

In the future,
Someone would risk his own life,
Just to make me feel happy,
So that he would, too, be happy.

But now,
In the present,
I am not met by anyone like so.

I just want to know someone is there,
To hug me,
To wipe my tears,
At the moment of moodiness now.

Beautiful

*this is the first time I am writing in a third person's POV. Hope it isn't bad. Enjoy!*

Penny knew that William was different. She felt very comfortable with him. Unlike the past two failed relationships with Dan and Cooper. Its not
that they are bad or anything, its just that she wasn't comfortable with them, even during the relationship. She always try to impress the both of them with the way she presented herself when going out with them. Sometimes, some secrets were not even shared with them. With William, its different.

Even though she knew William's existance for about 2 months, but she felt comfortable with him, she trusted him too, unlike the last two. Slowly, she knew she is falling for him, each time she meets him. But she doesn't know how he felt towards her. She sees signals of him maybe liking her too, but she's just not sure.

One day, he invited her over to his farm. He made dinner for the two of them. They chatted and shared personal childhood stories and it felt right to Penny.

Once dinner was over, they sat at the porch and just shared a silent moment together. It was not awkward at all, but the silence is rather soothing. Even though he had his arm around Penny, she didn't feel uncomfortable like it was the last time with either Dan or Cooper. It felt...right. Safe and right.

There were stars all over the night sky, something the city lass, Penny would never see. Its weird to Penny, falling for a guy who is very much different to guys she knows in the city.

'Wow, the stars looks so beautiful...' Penny said, gazing up into the night sky. 'Yeah...beautiful...' he said. Another silent moment together.

Little did Penny know, William was referring the compliment to her. While Penny was staring into the night sky in awe, he was looking at her. 'Beautiful...' he said again.

7ove

"The word love is so cliché. People in a relationship says I love you to one another. Why? Because they feel is the right moment to say and express it. I believe more of action than words.

I love you.

You love me.

You see, the word 'love' is overrated and had been misused for countless of times from the past to the present. This may be the reason of break ups and broken marriages but let's not go to there.

You see, I don't love you, and I don't want you to say you love me too. Its just words. It doesn't justify anything.

I just want both of us to just pay attention to the simple things in life that revolves around us and our relationship.

I want you to just understand why I just liked being quiet at night, let it be if I hug you while watching a movie, listening to music or just stare into the night sky. I am like that, its how I wind down a day of me, not being me.

I want you to understand I have trust issues with people I had dated. Even if you are a friend of mine before we got to become more than friends, I still can't trust people much with my personal details in life and my secrets of my past.

I want you to know that when you fill those intimate spaces between my fingers when holding my hand means a lot to me. It gives a bond that both of us shared.

I want you to know that when you hug me, the warmth radiates from your body actually gives a calming effect. Especially to people like me, who worries far too much and far too often. Its like alcohol, a temporary solution to a painful question.

I want you to know, each kiss you had given me and that I have given you, whether just a small peck or a really passionate one, they give me butterflies everytime, and they somehow reminds me of the promises you had given to me or that I had gave you. Simple, but important promises.

The spoken words and silent gestures that we had shared are like our secrets, our validity of what we are going through. The words we speak, the silence we listen. Communication.

You see, I don't say I love you is because of the reasons above. But you had understand it in the wrong way. I don't force you to say I love you, but I just wanted to feel it. I guess that won't be happening.

The attraction, interaction, commitment, personal time and space were shared. I guess you felt it wasn't enough. So let the heartbreak and hope began. Hence the title. Seven.

Bye."

Different perspective of ourselves

We live three different lives. Public, Personal and Secret. We want others to know us in a certain way, a way we try to portray, an image we see ourself in. Our personal life is for the people who loves us dearly, loved ones. Secret is like what the word itself says, a secret.

Sometimes we are not conscious by this, but in reality, everyone, regardless of race or religion.

A chapter torn

I have written a lot of my life, as a diary, as a book with chapters, whatever you called it. But I have, whether mentally or literally had written it down. When one chapter closes, I tear them from the book, staple them and put them in a cupboard and never read it again. Just yesterday, I closed another one. The past 5 years have many different chapters. Finishing the first half of high school, broken off from the first love, found a second, broke off that too, graduated from high school, reconcile back with the first, enter college and university, the first left for good. So many, some are happy, some aren't so. But why I tear them from the main? Is for me to know that it has end, time to move on. Hope this works.

Leaving on the jet plane

"I wish I would know of a way of not hurting you again, but I am happy at the same time that you are here, sending me off, knowing we are not going to see each other again in the future. I miss how we were when we were young then, but I know I will miss the past 6 months even more. Goodbye bunny head...miss you." He took his hand carry luggage and with his passport in hand, he went to the boarding hall, turned, and waved. That was the time I see his smile and his tears, both at the same time, and the last time.

Acting roles

At a young age, I love acting. It makes me express myself into someone I wanted to be. Who is suitable for the role. To just not be me. But I grew up not comfortable with myself at all. I lost the ability to act when I enter high school. But, it turns out, my life after that was just an act. I acted as if I am alright when I am not. I acted I am tough and strong and nothing pushes me off guard. I was concerned for others more than myself. Because I need a diversion from breaking down. From losing myself. Until the late hours of the night, until the wee hours of morning, until I couldn't hold back the tears any much longer.

I acted as someone I wanted to be. But never could.

Truths and Lies

I have made a fool to myself.
At least I know the truth that hurts,
And not lies that comfort me.

Lost Memories

I guess you could say it has already been a full 4 years (and maybe some extra weeks here and there) where we had been together 'together'. Minus the years when I started dating after the break up and that you left. The last 6 months was actually the best I had, no doubt my reality was shit. But I don't think I had ever felt sad enough to break down during the last 6 months. No doubt that we are not really together, even though there are people around us who knows whatever between us is true even though we say other wise. But there aren't any photos of us at all the last 6 months. We comply to our own promises to each other that no photos unless we are really serious about this. But I don't want to have photos to look at once you leave. Memories are enough. Hazy, but enough. But I found photos of you when you were 13, 16 and one during 2008 Christmas eve. I was so happy to find them back after I thought I lost them for good.

My favourite was us in the Christmas eve photo. No doubt its just the silhouette of us, I still can remember it so clearly. I hope you remember the day too.

Everybody's drug

I somehow came to realise that falling in love is like a person on drugs. First time falling in love gives you that feeling of wanting more. More than being a crush? More than being friends? More than being strangers? Any of the above. Well, its like that to me anyways. And when those scenarios do happen, you are like high on it. Getting blinded by anything and everything for love.

But like all drugs, some are not good and we know it. Falling out of love happens that way too. You try to reason yourself that he is the one, the perfect one. But heck, no one is. There are flaws. Its whether you could try to overcome them, or to leave.

But trying to get rid feeling 'addicted' to love is hard. This is the breakup. During my breakups, I always seem like the tough one. But technically, I'm not. My mind is my biggest enemy then. I have the urge to message him, to know about his doings, to find out about anything, just like the old days of being together. Sometimes, those withdrawal symptoms are just too much to handle that I give in. And I fall even harder.

Each time I give in, I get broken even more after that. Withdrawal feel.

Its a pain to know the other person you still have feelings for fall for another in such a short period of time after breaking up.

The feel of loneliness during the late nights are killing. Either my mind goes on a wild imagination or that crying is my companion during the wee hours of mornings.

I have never taken any drugs like coke or marijuana, but I think this is what it feels like.

Dreams and Sleep

I used to love dreams. Maybe because they were much more interesting compared to my reality. Some of my dreams are clips of my future I am going to experience. Some are the ones that I wish would happen. The only time when I feel reality is much more happening compared with my dreams are when I happen to fall in love. I would be sleeping late just to talk to him, willing to wake up early to 'Good morning my dear' messages every single day. Even before I sleep I would wait for 'Good night beautiful...' messages. Those were the days when I am willing to do anything with enthusiasm.

But when we break off, all hell breaks lose. I wish to sleep early so that I can leave the pain. But how hard I would try, I can't sleep. Insomnia sets in. Those dreams would cease. So inorder to sleep, I make myself busy and tired enough to fall asleep. But the dreams won't come.

Alphabet People

In life, I have met many people. Its normal to meet someone new. But, do these people stay in our lives? Or do we move apart after a period of time. I call them my 26 people.

I am going to use the alphabets to name them while I write.

Somehow, I have fallen for a guy, let's call him A. And coincidentally, he has feelings for me too. We were young and naïve at that stage in life. Everything we did, there were the signs of first love blossoming, first fights, first kiss, the firsts of everything. But eventually, we grew up. Everything was different when we were younger. We wanted to do things we like, but disagree about the other's action. In the end, we split.

The breaking up period was short because I got together with B. I guess he was a rebound after the first love with A, because just after four months, we split too.

I had fallen for another guy, C, but the feelings were never reciprocated. We are just good friends. C and D fall in love and started dating. E likes me, but I didn't have feelings for him. I treated him as a good friend, and nothing more. I waited for F to come into my life like a storm, but he never came. Or maybe he did came into my life, but because of the long waiting, I didn't have any feelings for him. F is just an acquaintance.

It is this time when I started feeling the nostalgia. I miss A and B. Everywhere I see, I see the things that reminded me of the both of them, the ones that you had fell deeply in love. The toys, the gifts, the photos, the memories all in front of me. I didn't have any clue where did the both of them had went. Both on a different route in life. Maybe found their other half, maybe had been successful in whatever they are doing. I wouldn't know. When something you had loved and taken for granted for had been forcefully removed from you, only then you would want it back. But you can never go back to that moment in your life when you felt everything was perfect. When you learn to appreciate them, its too late.

Sometimes I wonder, how did my life became like this. In my past, I have a few very good and close friends. They are G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N. Some I have known them since I was a baby. Some in my primary school, secondary school. I had been keeping in touch with them and their lives. But some doesn't answer my calls nor my messages, like G, but I didn't bother, because I know they are busy with their lives. I found out that H and I are together and had moved into an apartment. How happy they seem to be in their photos on social media. Its great that they invite me out to do stuff friends would do, but I always feel left out like a third wheel.

After that, J found a boyfriend for herself and started moving away form our friendly circle of friends. A couple of weeks after that, K broke up with her boyfriend of four years. I would have gotten calls from her from odd hours when she feels sad. I would listen to her cry, to her curse her ex, and talk to her about the happy memories we had when we were younger. After about a month, the calls ceased as K had found another guy.

One day, you accidentally gave a call to L. I felt a sudden awkwardness, maybe due to the fact we had been pull too far apart. M is my closest my friend. Maybe because we rely on each other on things, or maybe, I rely on her too much. But then again, she is very busy too. N is the one that argues with me all the time with 'I told you' constantly. But somehow we could even move away from each other too.

You tell yourself, its okay, everyone has their own lives to move on. I have mine too.

I have very good buddies now, they are O, P, Q, R, S, T, U.

I met O at college. We go to our classes together, and go back home together. I felt that O knows me the best of all. But after about three months, we started meeting lesser and lesser. I started to think that maybe, she didn't know me that well. Or maybe whatever we had previously was just a lie? I started to feel that some things that we had experienced before in life, may not be what it seems in the future.

I would sometimes go out and have lunch or dinner with P and Q. All three of us would never thought that in the future we would leave each other. I would some times daydream what would happen to our future.

I met R after that. We messaged and chat from time to time. I would tell R things I wouldn't tell my other best friends. But both of us knew we were just good friends, and nothing more.

S is like my shopping partner. We would sometimes go out for lunch or dinner, and sometimes even just hang out in bars. The time spent with her is enjoyable, adventurous and fun. But no personal information and secrets about each of us were shared. I don't think I even know her family background and other stuff. I asked her about her life before, but she refrained from talking much about herself. I don't ask in the end. Maybe because I didn't want to know much either.

I tried to know T better, but because of his temper, we couldn't. We look like normal friends, but sometimes, we aren't. U is a friend that always help me when I am in need. Its good, but, I always feel like I take advantage on her too much. If I think of it, I know that it is true.

It is at this point where I started to miss the company of G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N. But after so many years, I know that all of them had moved to different towns to find jobs and to continue with their own lives.

I wish to find new friends. I name my future friends as V, W, X, Y. I want to go shopping with V, I want to go for karaoke sessions with W, I want to talk about life problems with X, and go crazy with Y. I made a pact with myself that I will cherish my future friends. But its like a cycle. People come and go.

In the end of your story, there would always be a person that will be by your side when you walk down the aisle to him, and also he will be the who will be by your side through thick and thin. He may be the guy who doesn't know how to be romantic, but he will try to keep me safe and happy, and won't hurt me anymore. I know he will. I know he will come up someday, its human nature. But before he does appear in my life, I have to appreciate A, B, C, all the way up to W, X and Y.

Embrace Someone's flaws, and Not cover Them

I was going through my pile of stuff when I stumble upon a small blue gift box. Instantly, I remember what is inside it. A letter, a self-penned song, a small framed lucky clover and also, a necklace. 'Should I open this?' After a couple of seconds, I took out the contents of the box.

I didn't bother reading the letter and the song, because I could still remember every single word in there. I took out the small lucky clover. I remember how this was my lucky charm and how much importance it had given me as if it truly gave me luck along the way. I put that away and took the wrapper which contains the necklace.

It was a tiny necklace with the word 'I ♥ U' as the pendant. The heart was in pink. Another colour I dislike. I am wondering whether do you ever listen to me to what I say.

The necklace was normal steel I think. Which is why I couldn't wear it 24/7. Come to think of it, I don't think you ever listen.

So what you knew my secrets, my habits, my flaws or my dreams. You know how awkward was it for me to meet you the first time like that. You didn't even break the ice even though we were a couple met online. Heck. I told what I was uncomfortable of. And yet you say you gonna give it a go anyway. You were damn lucky I didn't slap you right there and then. Maybe because I knew of your temper.

You knew I am not comfortable with physical contact with strangers...even thought we are considered dating. I had problems with physical contact with my last ex until a couple of months later when I got used to it. Yet, straight up yoy went and hold my hand. Maybe I allow it because it was during the show, nobody would see. But intermission you were wondering why don't I want to hold your hand. I actually flinch away. Something I try not to do. Holding hands is one thing, but kissing me is another. You didn't even bother.

I remember telling you straight off I have problems with people just poking me. Even if its friends, relatives or people I am having a relationship with. Then there is the part where I dislike the colour pink for some reason. I tried to wear the necklace. But I didn't like it. You said you try to make me wear something pink. I am actually fuming here.

I notice you tried to change me. To be someone you prefer. Fine. I am more or less a tomboy, a person who is not keen on physical contact unless I have been physically with for months. I feel that that one year we've been together was you trying to change me. Maybe that's why I had so much problem a year and a half to try and move on. Because so much of what you did, I give in because I was terrified to loose you like how I have lost my last relationship. But I know now that you meant nothing to me, especially what your last words were before you left for the UK. "I hope my presence in your life had changed something about you."

Hell yeah did I change. I change my perception on guys. Never to find one who plans to change you when they could've just try and embrace you.

Scars in the past

I was holding onto a piece of glass statue. You know, those things that looks darn pretty because of the many elaborated but yet simple carvings and cuttings of the glass. Each carves and cuts gave a unique sort of colour when admiring it in the light. Suddenly, I thought that piece of beauty was like another thing that was beautiful, love.

Polishing it is like the happy moments you have with each other. All the best memories. You can never have enough of that. To make each of us happy.

Like the glass masterpiece, each cuts and carves give something new. Everyone gets hurt in love... By all the cuts and bruises, whether or not physically or emotionally. But like the glass statue, it you could withstand all of that, it will turn out to be something to admire about.

I used to admire people who was together for so long, not because of the duration, but how far those two has come about. Its like the same theory in the glass statue.

But it there are too many cuts and carves, the glass may not stand it, and break in the end. Too much pain pushes a relationship into that side too. And those tiny pieces of fragmented glass cuts into you and you start to bleed.

Those tiny shards of glass is heartbreak. Each tiny piece punctures into your skin and the blood comes. It feels the same way, somehow. Maybe because each glass is a memory. One memory stabs you where it hurts the most. One piece and another are memories in your mind of the good times, but it makes you cry.

The wound would still be there unless you decided to release the pieces of glass and let time heal. Slowly it will heal by it own and a new skin would take its place, stronger and harder.

You know someone has fallen for you when they do not care of the scars in the past.

Hey...

I know the reason you are not answering my calls... I know you in and out since we were kids...heck, I know nearly EVERYTHING about you. So yea, this couple of months meant a lot to me, especially when my dad went. You were by my side no doubt you know the tendencies of falling again and getting hurt is, well, fucking too damn high. Sorry for the profanity, but I am stating the emphasis. And, I guess you got hurt again.

Sorry.

Well, you really did helped me, again. Jesus, I need to get a grip on myself again.

But I am reeeeeaaaaaallllyyyy very sad that I can't make you smile like you used to again. I miss that.

I miss the times together. Period. I can't express much through words. You know how bad is me expressing. Hah!

And well, yeah, I do read your blog. I love readinng your feelings. Really. Because sometimes, I know something is bothering you, but I have no idea what.

But recently, I don't see anything new on your blog. I miss reading it now.

What the hell. I don't even know what to say now. Hmmp. You see, I know even after these few months, whatever I have felt for those 3 years, or even more, hadn't change. I still, well, pretty much love you. I had tried to move past this, I guess I'm not. When I found out that you moved on and found another guy, I was pretty much jealous and everything. But then if he is the one that makes you happy, I am fine with it. But when I found out that he hurt you again, I wanted to really punch him, or someone. Hah. But then, it was because of me you got hurt again. I was the one. If I hadn't left you those years ago, you wouldn't be like this. If I hadn't asked you for a relationship, you won't be like this. If I hadn't fall for you, you wouldn't get depress. If I hadn't met you, you wouldn't get hurt. I was the bastard.

I'm just as fucked up as anybody when I knew you were hurt. I knew deep down that wound is not gone yet. Because I knew you.

Sighs. I hope you are okay. Especially whatever you are feeling under that smile you have there.

Maybe we can never have what we have again, but it was great Bunnyhead. It was, well, the best.

I love you, no matter what. And I'm sorry.

Gah.

There are times when I try not to get involve. People just pull me in... I make mistakes that costs a lot too easy. Sigh.

Time travel

Read the old messages on facebook. Dated all the back to 2010. I see people I had hurt unintentionally and had hurt me back to get even. I see people who meant something to me dearly back then but not anymore now. I see who are my true friends and who aren't. Its weird. The ones you have hurt, are still in our lives. The ones that hurt you are gone away. I wanna go back and fix everything. Not meeting my last, not hurting the ones, and also, not making me suffer now.

War

My heart and my mind,
Both at war,
Just to recover and move on.
My heart wants to do something to hurt herself,
My mind hancuffed her from doing so.
My mind said, "What do you wanna do? Throw yourself at him again and hoping everything would fall in its place?"
My heart surrenders and said, "I just miss him..."
My mind is at its cross paths,
Thinking whether to hold onto the key of the handcuffs,
Or throw it away.
The mind sees the heart at its tragic state,
The scars,
The unhealed wounds,
The dried marks of blood and tears.
The mind thought, 'Am I doing what's right?'
The mind had its firm stand,
But now not sure what is right.
Sigh.
More emotional spillage.

Falling apart

Well, its always bad to look back at a piece of your past just because you can't remember. But when you do, all you is not remembering all the bad memories but just that you miss him.
Crap.

Falling apart

Well, its always bad to look back at a piece of your past just because you can't remember. But when you do, all you is not remembering all the bad memories but just that you miss him.
Crap.

Game

Mind over heart. I have been telling myself to give up now...don't bother. But then again, I never did gave up. I guess my mind is stronger than what I thought. I guess its time to thing of something to write. :)

Pillows

I miss hugging my pillow to sleep with a smile on my face. For months or maybe even a year plus, I slept without much emotion. Maybe a tear or two, with a sad frown to top it off. I miss smiling and texting in the middle of the night. Sigh. The amount of changes between 2 years.

Thoughts that are about to spill...

Is never a good thing. I can't think of any decent thing to write. All I have in my mind is that I miss him. Still. Maybe because of the past memories I came across the other day while reading my past posts in this blogs. One caught my eye. It was the short poem I wrote as my facebook status then saying that I think I have fallen for him, but too afraid to say it out loud which might scare him away like the rests of my old crushes. But he wasn't dumb. He asked whether it was about him. I guess from there everything went from being acquantaince to a couple. Which is weird because we skipped a whole section of being friends and learning basic things about each other. We took the whole period of being together to do that. Maybe that is why its so hard being friend again when we were never friends in the first place? Just two sad people who jumped into a relationship too soon. Sigh. I seriously need a diversion to get out of this. Or let all of this simmer to the last drop. I should stop. He is never coming back. Even if he is, he is going to use me again.

The future

I woke up from my bed, not knowing where the hell am I. 'Hey beautiful, nice sleep?' I was shocked to be a man lying beside me. How shocked I was, I didn't know, because I didn't show it. He kissed me on my forehead. That shocked the crap out of me, but I didn't show it too. Who is this man? Where am I? After that was all a blur. I could only remember having breakfast with him. He cooked. He cooked, for me? I don't even know him. Who is he? I couldn't see his face. All I could see was his dark hair, black framed glasses. I noticed I was wearing a ring on my fourth finger. I have never seen the ring before. How odd?

The next thing I knew, we were walking at some place. He holding my hand. How odd? A random guy holding my hand.

Last I remember was that I was in his arms, not knowing what was going on.

Then I woke up. With my heart pounding against my rib cage. What the hell was that? Who the hell was that?

*I had the weirdest dream the other day. All I know was, I have seen this guy before. In another vision/dream.

< 3, Lesser than Three

In my arms was a girl sleeping soundly. I smiled and gave a small peck on her hair. She stirred in my arms, and slowly opened her eyes. "Hey, good sleep?" I asked. She gave a huge grin and nod. I like morning like this. Silent and soothing. "Matthew?" she asked. "Yeah?" She pulled herself up from the bed and asked, "What is your perception of love? Like falling in love?" I gave a short thought of it before giving her my answer. "Well, I have four aspects towards love..." I replied. "Which are?" she prompt.

"Well, the first is about personality, the mind, and the attitude. I want to fall in love with a girl who is full of positive personality, a girl with personality I would fall for. I can't say what is it, but its just through getting know of the person long enough to find out."

She nod in understanding.

"The second is about the heart of the girl. I want to know about the likes and dislikes of the girl, her interests, her passion. I want to know about what she is in love about, her hobbies, her friends, her favourite things..." I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

"The third is about the body of the girl... Don't get me wrong about this... I am not talking about how hot the girl is, how slender her legs are, how skinny she is." I said when I saw that she eyed me curiously. "I meant by body is that the intimacy I have with her, the closeness, her very presence when she is with me, or that the longing of her to be with me when she isn't physically there..."

"So that means you don't believe in love at first sight?" She cocks her head in curiousity.

I gave a light laugh. "You could say that. The reason why is because, love at first sight never exist. You could see a random stranger on the street and say 'Oh my god, that dude is hot!' or 'Wow, she is sexy!'. I believe that is called 'Lust at first sight', not love.

"So, you wouldn't mind me being fat and ugly then?" Phoebe asked playfully.

"Ah...having a sexy girlfriend who is beautiful and healthy is a bonus to that..." I replied in a low, husky tone.

She laughed and playfully nudge me in the ribs. Her laughs sounds like tiny little bells breaking the silence.

"What is the fourth then?" she asked.

"Well, the fourth has to be the soul. The trust of one another. I am able to let you know every little secret of mine and vice versa. Wanting to talk to you about the daily routines, even though it is the exact same things. Telling you about small little things in life. Also answering your calls at 3am in the morning because you couldn't sleep." I grinned at her when I remembered the times this happened. "Texting you when I wake up in the morning or waiting for your replies. Knowing your happiness and as well as your tears and problems and facing all that together." I traced my index finger on her palm.

"Its like wanting you in a not clingy sort of way. Able to go through life before meeting you, but because I had met you and fall in love with you, I try to think of ways to be happy, with you everyday." I see a shy smiled on her face. I leaned in and kiss her on the lips.

"Well, have you found the girl that follows all your aspects?" she asked.

I smiled. "Some people say that it is impossible to find someone who fits the bill. Like those emoticons on facebook, a heart shape is < 3, lesser than three, why find lesser than three aspects when the perfect person out there could have fill all four aspects?"

"So, have you found her yet?"

"I have. She is right in front of me. And I hope I fill the bill for her too..."

I pulled her into my embrace and kissed her.

I could feel her smile.


*(I was reading a facebook post by 'Matthew Zacharie Liu', go find him on facebook and subscribe. He had written the post somewhat like this. But I decided to give my own twist to it. His post is '4 + 1'. Hope you enjoy this! All credits goes to him!)

Help.

Seeing your name on the chatbox, tempting to click on it, just to chat with you. But I know, if I do so, all these weeks of holding the grudge against you, ignoring you while I heal, would backfire at me. But I really just want to talk to someone...

Emotionless

It feels empty... I feel empty. Like something was ripped off from my own body, own soul. I guess it is the truth. Part of me is lost. I don't feel real feelings anymore. No more true emotions. Not even pain, upset, or even happy. I guess its back to the times when I tried to numb my body from pain and sorrow, that I numb every other emotions a regular person should have. But I am not a regular girl no more. Nope. I am an empty bottle, that was once filled with love, laughs and happiness, and was also once filled with pain, sorrow, hurt. I was full last time. To the brim. But now, the bottle is shut tight, nothing could get in and fill that bottle again. I feel nothing now. Not even loneliness. Because I was lonely. Not more friends to laugh with during the day. No more great guy to talk to. No more sweet texts in the middle of the night. Sigh. Nothing. I guess it is better this way.

Sad Eyes

I remember my favourite friend, companion, listener, past away on 12 February 2012, my pet dog.

I had him when I was a year old, I remember my uncle from Penang had 2 puppies who just recently opened their eyes. My parents wanted a dog to keep me safe at that time because I was alone at home while they worked.

So they've decided to bring back both male puppies back from Penang. I remember that 4 hour long ride back from Penang was uncomfortable for them. With the air con on full blast for them, they tried to sleep. The older of the 2 was the alpha dog while the younger one was the shadow of his older brother.

I was at the age of not able to named them myself, so my dad took the liberty to name them Black 1, and Black 2 (Very unimaginative. And yes, both puppies were black).

Black 1 was the older one, the rebellious one. I didn't particularly like him because he bit me once. But he was the out going one, the braver one. A fierce dog he is, he had bitten countless of people before. He has a long tail, short snout, a wolf's eyes.

Black 2 was the younger. The quiet and shy dog. I loved him, he was the one I always talked to whenever I was sad, angry or even when I am happy. He has a very short turf of fur as his tail, sad puppy eyes, a short snout, with a gentle demeanor.

Black 1 was the family's favourite, because he the stronger and braver one. Sadly, his life was short, he grew up to about the age of 12 human years. He had a particular skin disease, becausr of his diet, he eats everything and everything. The doctor said he was suffering and had to be put to sleep. I didn't see him pass on, I couldn't see any animal die with my own eyes. I was sad. Mostly because Black 2 was alone, crying on most days as his brother was not around anymore.

Soon, Black 2 moved on. He was still the quiet dog, but something changed, he followed me everywhere I walked in the house compound, as if protecting me. I would pet him, scratched a spot behind his ears and loves me doing. I remember telling him about my first boyfriend (first ex) and he would patiently listen without doing anything or moving around. The only movements was the sudden movements of his ears for any danger and the blinks of his sad puppy eyes. I remember how he let my then boyfriend to pet him, something he wouldn't allow to my other friends. I guess he knew who my boyfriend was. It was sweet.

After I broke up, I was a wrecked. I couldn't talk to anyone, not even my family. So I talked to Black 2. He would rub his wet nose against my leg and look at me with his sad eyes. I was well after a couple of months because of him.

I never played games with him, because I didn't know how to. All I did was talk to him like a regular person.

I was happy with the relationship I had with him, he is like a brother to me, shared a particular similar soul.

But I lost him during his 17th human year.

A year before he passed on, he had trouble walking, the doctor said because he was old, arthritist. But it wouldn't affect much because he loves to lie down all the time.

Then a few months before he died, a cat died in our drain. We couldn't find where was the dead carcass. For a week we searched, Black 2 found it first, we quickly got rid of the bloated body, but I think the poisonous stench got the best of my beloved friend.

He became lethargic, couldn't digest his food properly and became tragically thin. The doctor said he has a heart problem and only has a few days to live, or even only a week. I was upset, cried and prayed that he would get better. It was a miracle he survived and made a fast recovery.

But the final months and weeks was painful. His hind legs got too stiff to walk around anymore. He needs me to help him get up to stand. He get out of breath very soon. It became like this until he collapse.

He couldn't stand straight let alone walk steadily. The doctor decided to get a blood sample to see if there is anything wrong. But nothing was. He was like this for 4-5 days.

He couldn't stand up, even when I help him. We gave him a blanket, syringe filled with glucose water to feed him

Those few days felt like an eternity. I see him suffer, the doctor said any moment he would pass on. I see him looking at me with those sad eyes again, like asking me whether would I be okay without him. 'Please...you can go now, leave the suffering. I will be okay' was the only thing on my mind.

That evening it rained. I went to feed him and put a blanket on him. He gave a long, soft whine. I pet him with tears in my eyes. In less than half an hour, I saw him breath his last.

I still feel his soul linger around the house, as if he is still watching me. I truly miss him. And those sad eyes.

20/20 Vision

My mind is more focus now,
My sight is more clearer now,
My heart is less painful now,
I could see, remember and understand why I chose this path,
This decision,
Because you were never meant to be a permanent thing in my life,
Just someone passing by,
Filling my dark life with blissful light,
And leave me in pain to grow.
Thank you for making me stronger,
And wiser,
In making a decision to falling in love,
Because I know the next one I would fall for,
Will be in a very long time.

Karma

I remembered how you would say that if I can't sleep, I could just text you or call you. If I ever woke up in the middle of the night because I was upset, I could talk to you.

I never did call you, all I did was text you at 3.34am, text you 'I can't sleep. I miss you. I love you'. But you replied the next morning at 10am. 'You okay?'.

Your infamous question. 'You okay? Are you alright?'

Now to think back, I am a fool. I've wasted more than 2 years on you. I regretted it. At least now I know you will never be part of my future. I can assure that.

I believe in karma, what goes around, comes around. Whatever you did to hurt me before, I know in a point in your life, you would feel the exact same hurt you've inflicted on me.

A poem

Meeting you was unexpected,
Being friends with you was a coincidence,
Having feelings for you was by chance,
Being in love together is by fate,
Falling apart is by decision.
Being strangers again is just by what you choose.

Slowly and painfully

Never play with other people's feelings
Especially with the woman who loves you and you've hurt before
It's worst than playing a loaded gun
You might forever kill her love
Or hurt her too much she'll stay away from you even if it kills her
Slowly and painfully
Nothing a wounded heart cannot bear
another tear
another hurtful words
Soon you'll hear or see her no more

A long quote I've found online. This shall be the last of you. I've thought you meant good to me. But I guess toying with my feelings overwrites every single thing you did that's right. Goodbye, and never to be seen or heard no more.

Hello, I'm Mae

Hello,
I am Mabel.
You can call me Mae.
I had been through a lot of shit in the last year.
I was battered and got hurt.
I fought to continue having real emotions in me.
I was toyed like a ragged doll,
By a jerk,
A bugger,
Who used to say 'I love you' to me.
I am sick of this.
Never say you will still be there for me,
Especially when you said I was the cause of whatever we had between us fall apart.

Hello,
I am Mae,
Don't say that you want to talk to me,
Everytime you did,
Was because you were upset.
Don't find me when you are sad.
I am not your listener no more.
I am not for you to be played with.
I am not an object to find when you are in distress.
Let the past be the past and never have you in the future.

Hello,
I am Mae.
Get lost.
And never come back.
Ever.

Goodbye.

I knew it,
I knew you had let go,
I has this feeling,
A sixth sense,
But how could you?
Maybe I was naive still,
Inexperience.
But,
I can't blame you that you could let go so easily.
But at least I know,
The feelings you had for me was never true,
Never lasting.
Now and forever,
Goodbye.

Hmm

1. Last hug: a long time ago. Couldn't remember
2. Last phone call: My mun
3. Last text message: A new friend
4. Last song I heard: Daylight by Maroon 5
5. Last time I cried: a few days ago

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: all my exes
7. Been cheated on: no
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: kinda?
9. Lost someone special: yes
10. Been depressed: many times
11. Cried over something stupid: yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12: Blue
13: Purple
14: Black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: Yes
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes
18. Met someone who changed you: No
19. Found out who your true friends were: Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I don't know
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: No

YOUR LIFE.
22.How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: A lot
23. How many kids do you want: maximum: 2
24. Do you have any pets: Yes
25. Do you want to change your name: Maybe
26. What did you do for your last Birthday: I cried
27. What time did you wake up today: 9am
28.What were you doing at midnight last night: On facebook
29. Name something you cannot wait for: To sleep and dream
30. Last time you saw your mother: Just a fee seconds ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: My whole perception
32. What are you listening to right now: Nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: My dog
35. Most visited webpage: My blog/facebook
36. Whats your real name: Mabel
37. Nicknames: Mae, May, Joan, Mab, Mabes
38. Relationship Status: Single
39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio
40. Male or female: female
41. Primary school: SJK (C) Chee Wen
42. Secondary School: SMK Seafield
43 Long or short: Long hair
44. Height: about 5 foot 4?
45. Do you have a crush on someone: I don't want to know
46. What do you like about yourself: My smile?
47. Piercings: on my ears
48. Tattoos: might get one
49. Righty or lefty: righty

FIRSTS:
50. First piercing: ears
51. First best friend: i can't remember
52. First sport you joined: Badminton
53. First vacation: Penang

RIGHT NOW:
54. Eating: No
55. Drinking: No
56. I'm about to: Sleep
57. Listening to: No
58. Waiting for: I don't know

YOUR FUTURE:
59. Want kids: Yes
60. Get married: Yes
61. Career: Of course

WHICH IS BETTER:
62. Lips or eyes: eyes
63. Hugs or kisses:  both
64. Shorter or taller: taller
65. Older or Younger: older
66. Romantic or spontaneous: both
67. Nice stomach or nice arms: i have no idea
68. Sensitive or loud: both
69. Hook-up or relationship: relationship

HAVE YOU EVER:
70. Kissed by a stranger: yes
71. Drank hard liquor: used to
72. Lost glasses/contacts: lost my glasses
73. Kissed someone your not dating: yes
74. Broken someone's heart: yes
75. Been arrested: no
76. Turned someone down: yes
77. Cried when someone died: yes
78.fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
79. Yourself: no
80. Miracles: yes
81. Love at first sight: I don't anymore
82. Heaven: yes
83. Santa Clause: no
84. Kiss on the first date: no
85. Angels: yes

I'll answer honestly O:)
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no
95. Did you sing today: yes
96. Ever cheated on somebody: no
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: the day i was conceived
98. The moment you would choose: at prom during 2008
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: now? Yes. Likely.
100: Do you like the way you look: no.

What if?

Life is full of 'what ifs',
What if I did this,
What if I did that,
Is always the question.
I have a question for myself,
What if I didn't want to let you go?
What if I agreed to going overseas with you?
Will we still be together even till now?
Or you left me for someone prettier than me,
Better than me,
And leave me all alone in a lone country by myself.
I might just decided to kill myself,
I might turn to drugs,
I might get myself in prison.
Everything may be a possibility,
If I made a different decision.

Its all just the past

Its shit to know that everything I had hoped for was a lie? Everything I saw in the future just go down in pieces. Well, I was the only person who was just hoping, you didn't. I guess I was the biggest idiot ever exist. And well, I do deserve to die.

Me

Okay. Just wanted to clarify about my name here. I am Mabel Jehanne Soong Yongqi.

My name Mabel was given by my aunt (weird right? Normally parents name their kids, not their aunt). People call me by that name, or shorter versions, May/Mae (People seldom call me that now as I have a friend who uses the same name too and also someone I used to love calls me that), Mab or Mabe. I am fine with that.

As for my middle name, I gave Jehanne as my confirmation name. People wonder how is it pronounce or why the heck did I choose a really weird name. Well, the name is derived from the saint's name I had chosen, Saint Joan of Arc. My parents said to choose a longer name to compliment my first name. So I went and did some research on her. I found out that her french name was Jeanne. But I know people would pronounce it as 'Jeeeeeen'. I then gave up on finding anymore names until I came across 'Jehanne'. And it is pronounced as 'Je Han'. Its weird I know, but I like it. And well, someone was also in my decision making for this name long time ago. He chosed mine I chose his. Simple as that.

Another name people call me is 'Qi', my last end name. Family calls me that, and one other close person.

Also there is another pet name that all the guys in my past relationships calls me, 'bunnyhead'. Not going to disclose why.

So if you call me by May, Mabel, Mab, Mabes, Mabe, Joan, Jehanne, Qi, I pretty much answer you. Lol.

Rants and crap

Ever felt as if you think the person you are having a crush with, has a crush on you? Well, I have. A couple of times. It takes half a chance for that feeling to be bounce back from that same person you have a crush on. But heck, life is never that simple. Its easy to love someone, but having that same person you have feelings for fall for you is hard. When you find that, falling in love is easy. As time pass, being in love is hard again. Its like a mad cycle. I don't see the reason why God ever make such a feeling ever existed. But then again, if love never existed, I wouldn't be here. But if I wouldn't be here, I would not suffer thr consequences of love. Oh wells. I reallg actually kinda give up now. Having to have a perfect love being taken away, is sometimes just plain awful and stupid. You found the person you love that loves you back, and yet you decided to give all of that away. Is just stupid.

Are you okay?

Sometimes, its good to ask anyone once in awhile 'Are you okay?'. But it breaks a person who just got heartbroken. Asking me this a year ago would really kill me emotionally. Now, would be okay.

The end

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear person,

Okay, judging other by first impression is bad. But you are seriously the nicest person I ever met. Sweet and loving girl is all I got to say.

 

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Dear,

I gave you a second chance to get back at it. But you didn’t want it anymore. I regret taking it. I am sorry. Really.

 

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Oh wow. Seriously, I am just going to say, I miss you, and your kiss.

 

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

(Same person)

Dear, you gave me the best memory, not going to mention here, just let your ideas wander. Please take care of yourself and your family especially now. Please hang in there.

 

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Yes Sandra and Alex, I remember.

 

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Dear random girl I met at the driving academy, your stories in your school is so funny! Haha! Really miss you.

 

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

I really don’t know where to begin with. You truly have changed my life and soul. The speech you gave changed my mindset in things. I don’t see many things that happen around me negatively anymore. Thank you, really.

 

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

I am afraid I would bore you again. It isn’t how it used to be, I really miss the times when I could talk to you about everything and anything. What happened between us?

 

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror”

Please love yourself and don’t think of any ways to hurt you. No more. You need to be happy.

The next few

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

 

Dear future husband,

Yeah, I know its cheesy and weird, but I really want to know whether have I met you, or do I personally know you now. I just want to see what have I seen in you to fall for you, to be willing to be married to you. Yeah.

 

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

 

Dear Anonymous,

I really do wish we could talk as much as we used to. But now, I feel its weird to talk to you now. I am sorry.

 

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

 

Dear grandma and grandpa,

I really never met you before, only to see both of your photos on your tombstone. I really want to get to know the both of you. Wait for me. I will meet you soon. I promise.

 

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

 

Dear person,

I really don’t know what to say or do. So many thing you have inflicted the pain on me. I don’t know why I deserve this. I don’t you know how much I am suffering here, right now, right here.

 

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

 

Dear,

I wish really that I could forgive the things you have said to me. Maybe I have forgiven you, but never forget, which is still painful. The amount of times you ask for my forgiveness, I comply. But you don’t know how many memories are still in my mind. Second chance was never meant for you to toy.

 

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

 

Hey friend, I know its weird now to talk like how we used to. You were my best bud, my confidante in primary school. We could talk about crushes, music, boys, everything. Now I see you happy with your boyfriend, I am truly happy for you.

 

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

(All the above are the same person)

Dear Alex,

I really miss you right now. I need someone to really able to talk to. Ever since you left, I am still a wrecked. Maybe not during that one year when I started dating again, but it was never the same. I really miss the way you would tease me since we were kids. I really miss you.

 

 

 

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Dear future self,

Please be patient in so many things. Studies, piano etc. I can’t focus so many things now. Really, I need to be calmed down.

 

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Dear…someone,

You pester me everytime you see me, talk to me. I am trying very hard to forget, but you are not helping, AT ALL.

 

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear Bryan,

Not doubt that I had dated another before you, but to be honest, you broke my heart the most. You left me on the edge of a cliff, not knowing what to do, what decision to make. My heart still aches now. But there’s nothing I can do.

The first 8

Day 1

Dear Best Friend,

Okay seriously, I have no one single best friend. I have a group of awesome Best friends. People who could tolerate my mood and attitude, my craziness and etc. You know who you are. ;)

 

Day 2

Dear crush,

I am not going to write much about you, as I know if I do, people who knows me and read my blog and is from my college will know who are you or something like that. I have no idea why I ever have a crush on you, maybe its just you that I finally come across in terms. Anyways, hope nothing between us would go wrong.

 

Day 3

Dear parents,

Okay, sometimes, you both really need to understand what is wrong with me. I myself may not have a clue what is wrong. I really appreciate that you both to not scream at me everyday. Seriously.

 

Day 4

Dear brother,

Please don’t be a pain in the ass anymore. Sincerely, your sister.

 

Day 5

Dear Dreams,

I really need more dreams. When I have dreams, I feel safe, secure, without a problem in the world. In a world where everything was fine and dandy. I really miss you.

 

Day 6

Hey little stranger,

I really love the way you smile, the way you lid up when you show your teeth to me. I really love the way you are, tiny man. =)

 

Day 7

Dear my 1^st ex, I know everything you had done after our relationship took a turn was trying to get me back, but I am sorry, I know now never to give a second chance anymore.

Dear 2^nd ex, you have hurt me really bad, even till now. I am recovering from the fall, but I know from you, that I will never hand out second chances that easy anymore, if any of my future exes ask me why, this is the reason. Getting hurt multiple times is bad, getting toyed around is worst.

Dear ex crushes, some of you didn’t find out, some of you did. To those of you who did, what the hell, can’t we still be friends after the awkwardness? To those who didn’t, I am happy things stayed that way.

 

Day 8

Dear internet friend,

Sadly, you were my second ex. I really missed the times we go online for so many hours till the wee hours of morning. I am sorry for the pain that happened, but I am not sorry that you had blamed me for so many things that happened.

 

Aftermath

To avoid depression,
Numb your soul.
To remove the emotional pain away,
Make physical pain.
To forget the past to move on,
Imagine as if everything in the past never happened.
To let go,
Is to embrace the pain and say goodbye.

Past Present

Ever think that you might go back to a chapter of your life and revisit? And maybe trying to make amends? Well, I have.

I was on an errand in town when I met those beautiful eyes again. Those dark, mysterious eyes that shine under the slightest ray of light. Those eyes that captivate my heart when I first know her. She was Roxanne. My first love of my life. The last time we met was 7 years ago. Those 7 years was painful initially, but I thought that I had long forgotten her, until now.

'Oh hey Wilson! It has been years since I last met you!' I remember just smiling and nodding. We started small talk when I noticed she was carry a small cardboard box in her arms. In it was so many things. But one thing I saw that caught my eyes was a small pocket watch. My pocket watch. 'Roxy, what are you doing with this stuff?' I asked. She gave a swift glance at it and said, 'Oh? I am giving all of this away. All of them can't be used anymore.' I took out the pocket watch, 'Even this?' I asked. I saw the guilty look in her eyes. 'Oh...I went to many places trying to get the left clock working again...but they couldn't do it...' I told her I would bring it back and fix it then return to her.

When I got home, I opened the pocket watch and gave a look. I remember the reason why I gave Roxanne this because she was leaving to the other side of the world in a different time zone. We knew it would be long, but letting her know that only there was a time difference between our relationship, and nothing else. I remembering nuzzling the back of her neck, planting soft kisses on her cheek, hugging her from behind, letting her lean into me for closure.

Breathing back those painful memories after that was tough, the fights over social media and phone calls. The idea of her crying to sleep every night. The very thought of her pain and what we were going through. I thought everything could work, until the day she decided to call me at 3 am in the morning saying she wants to break up. It was hardest to say goodbye and to let go. But I knew that there's no reason for this if we just fight.

Back to the pocket watch, it was like a locket where you could open it. Inside it was two clockwork device, one on the left and one on the right. I took out a screwdriver and see what was wrong.

It took me 7 hours to fix the clockwork and put it all back together. I decided to give it to her the next day.

I knew where does she stay. It was the same white brick house down by 37th street. I remember cycling to her house every day just to see her. I miss how the way she would smile, and how cherry her laugh would sound like. I miss the way she would comb my hair with my fingers or just ruffle them when I tease her. I miss how her hand would fit nicely in mine when we hold each other.

I decided to write a small note and give it to her tomorrow together with the pocket watch.

When I drove to her place the next day to pass it to her, I saw her kissing with another guy. I knew instantly she was never available, especially to me. I took out the note and scribbled something on it and left it at her porch, with all the good memories of her, especially the way she hugged me and whispers I love you's.

The note I had written was,

"Hey Roxy,
I really miss you. I still love you.
But I could see you are happy the way you are now. "

Comfort can be nice but blinding. Never be blinded something you are comfortable in.

Letting go

Sometimes, all you need is to let go of what has haunt you in the past or gives too much comfort and learn to refocus your goals in life.

Letting go of ex love is really just damn painful at times, and the best cure which most people hate to know is time. Give time to heal and let go. Maybe the good memories of the past is comforting and well, makes you feel special too. That is the painful part, after a relationship collapse, there's no way that feeling would ever be there on a two way basis. But instead of letting go, clinging it makes you feel happy and at the same time miserable.

Rebounds also occur. A rebound crush. A rebound relationship. Some people jump straight to another 'romantic' relationship just to not feel 'empty'. Sometimes, we are just so blinded by the past relationship that we thought being in another right after would work. Sadly, it won't.

A rebound crush on the other hand is more of like thinking another person likes/has a crush on you and you suddenly decided that you do like the person too. This only ends in 2 ways. One is that you find out your crush doesn't like you and he/she founds out you have a crush on them. This sucks because, well, things get pretty awkward and the friendship is just scarred. The other way is that you found he likes someone else. Which also just breaks you again.

Either way, coming to your senses is still a better choice. Like what am I now. Knowing its just all bullshit what you are feeling now and just let go before doing anything ridiculous.

Goodbye old feelings. I need a new one for a new chapter.

Singing.

Ever since I enrolled myself into a music foundation course, people have been asking me why am I not a voice major but a piano major. I reallg have no idea why to be honest. So when I decided to get a second major instrument in classical voice, I was determined to pass both of my piano and voice until I graduate in 2016 (hopefully). But maybe I wasn't cut out to be a voice major in college and university. I can't sing Vaccai nor Concone properly, I can't sing like other voice majors in college who have outstanding voices and ranges, and maybe I can't follow my then vocal lecturer because of the different teachings and I am not used to it.

After 2 semesters as a voice major, I could feel the stress of not being able to sing in proper technique and as a soprano (I was an Alto for nearly 6-7 years and changed to a soprano just last year). And sooner or later, I felt burdened to go for classes in college. I even enrolled into a private vocal instructor when I had passed my audition as a voice major. So dropping out from a double major student to a piano major student, many people do asked why? It is sad because I like singing more than piano to be honest. Maybe I did chose the wrong instrument at 12. Oh well, trying to pass my piano jury that is next Monday till year 2 than I would opt for research than grad recital. But definitely I would continue singing and explaining to the ones who asked why am I not a voice major. :)

Long Hiatus

I know I didn't start this AT ALL since two years ago. But going to do the first few now.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror”

Another from Facebook

 1: Are you ready for 200 questions?
NO. (With the meme face)

 2: Was your last relationship a mistake?
I guess I would categorized that relationship as that.

 3: Do you miss your last relationship?
Yeah. Pretty much.

4: Who did you last say "i love you" to?
The dude in the last relationship.

 5: Do you regret it?
Guess so.

 6: Have you ever been depressed?
Yes

7: Are you a boy or girl?
Girl

 8: Are you insecure?
At times

 9: What is your relationship status?
Single

 10: How do you want to die?
Just die. Well, without suffering or pain. Maybe just die in my sleep, or just die.

 11: What did you last eat?
Chinese food.

12: Have you played any sports?
Archery is my top favourites? Followed by Badminton.

13: Do you bite your nails?
When I was younger, yes. 

 14: When was your last physical fight?
I don't do physical fights.

 15: Do you have an attitude?
In what sense?

 16: Do you like someone?
Yes.

 17: What is your real name?
Mabel Soong Yongqi

 18: Have you ever read a book?
SO MANY OF THEM.

19: Are you gonna get high later?
I am not on cocaine nor weed you know.

 20: Do you hate anyone at the moment?
Maybe.

 21: Do you miss someone?
Yes.

 22: Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrlllll

 23: Do you tan a lot?
I am freaking dark for an Asian you know...

 24: Have any pets?
2 awesome dogs

25: How exactly are you feeling?
Messed up and stressed.

 26: Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you
are driving?
Done that both.

 27: Ever made out in a bathroom?
Heck no.

 28: Would you take any of your exes back?
When the time comes, I shall see.

 29: Are you scared of spiders?
I AM TERRIFIED.

30: Would you go back in time if you were given
the chance?
Yes.

 31: Do you regret anything from your past?
Many, many things.

 32: What are your plans for this weekend?
Practice Piano till sunset

 33: Do you want to have kids?
Maybe adopt one.

 34: Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M ?
Nope.

 35: Do you type fast?
Kinda.

 36: Do you have piercings?
Yes.

 37: Want anymore?
No.

 38: Can you spell well?
I think so?

 39: Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yes.

40: What are you craving right now?
Water.

 41: Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yeap. Scout's bonfire.

 42: Ever had a silly band?
I guess so.

 43: Have you ever been on a horse?
When I was a kid.

 44: Kissed someone in a pickup truck?
In a car, yes. I don't think any of my exes had a pickup truck to begin with.

 45: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Many times.

46: Have you ever been cheated on?
I don't think so.

 47: Have you ever made a girlfriend cry?
I don't know?

 48: Are you thinking of someone right now?
I think so.

 49: Would you live with someone without marrying
them?
I think that is against my parents' orders and my religion.

 50: What should you be doing?
Sleeping

51: What’s irritating you right now?
My pillow is not soft enough.

 52: Have you ever liked someone so much that it
hurts?
Yes.

 53: Does somebody love you?
How the hell I would know?

 54: What is your favorite color?
Blue

 55: Have you ever changed clothes in a car?
When I was 9?

 56: Milk chocolate or white chocolate?
Milk!

 57: Do you have trust issues?
With certain people.

 58: Best friends name?
I don't categorize my best friends

 59: 2nd best friends name?
Same with this question.

 60: 3rd best friends name?
STOP ASKING THIS.

 61: Longest relationship?
Close to 4 years.

62: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about
you?
I don't think so.
 63: Who was the last person you cried in front of?
No one.

 64: Do you give out second chances too easily?
Sometimes, if I love that person that much.

 65: Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Its always easier to forgive, but never forget.

 66: Is this year the best year of your life?
Nope.

67: What was your childhood nickname?
Marble

 68: Have you ever walked outside completely
naked?
DUDE. I AM NO EXHIBITIONIST.

 69: Favorite food?
Sushi!

 70: Do you believe everything happens for a
reason?
Not everything.
 71: What is the last thing you did before you went
to bed last night?
I can't seem to remember

 72: Did you have dream last night?
Yeah.

 73: What is bothering you?
I am not going to say it on my blog or any social media.

 74: Have you ever been out of state?
Yes.

 75: Do you play the Wii?
No.

76: Are you listening to music right now?
No.

 77: Do you like Chinese food?
I AM CHINESE WHAT DO YOU EXPECT.

 78: Who are you texting right now?
No one.

 79: Are you afraid of the dark?
When I was a kid.

 80: Is cheating ever okay?
HELL NO.

 81: Are you mean?
At times.

82: Can you keep white shoes clean?
I have no white shoes to begin with.

 83: What year has been your best?
2008

 84: Do you believe in true love?
Yes.

 85: Favorite weather?
Cool breezy weather.

 86: Do you like the snow?
Never experience it, would love to!

 87: Does it snow a lot where you live?
I am in Malaysia, what do you think?
 88: Do you like the outside?
Sometimes

 89: Are you currently bored?
Pretty much.

 90: Do you want to get married?
In the future, yeah.

 91: Is it cute when a girl calls you baby?
I am no homo.

 92: Are you hungry?
Now? At 11pm?

 93: Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?
WHO THE HELL COUNTS THESE THINGS.

 94: What makes you happy?
I really don't know.

 95: Would you change your name?
Yes.

 96: Ever been to Alaska?\
No.

 97: Ever been to Hawaii?
No.

 98: Do you watch the news?
No.

 99: Do you love MTV?
No.

 100: Do you like subway?
The food, yes. The transportation, I have no idea since I never take one before.

 101: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you
kissed?
Yes.

 102: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you,
what do you do?
I don't know. If I like him, maybe get together? If not? I have no idea.

103: Do you talk like your friends?
Why in the world does this question means?

 104: Why did you decide to do this quiz?
I was asked to.

 105: Have you ever seen someone you knew and
purposely avoided them?

 106: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who
you can act your complete self around?
I don't know.
107: Who was the last person of the opposite sex
you talked to?
My dad.

 108: Do you feel good?
Huh??

 109: Who was the last person you had a deep
conversation with?
A church friend.

 110: Favorite lyrics right now?
I can't help it, I like the broken ones, the ones who, need the most patching up.

111: Can you count to one million?
No.

 112: Ever bought condoms?
Dude, I am a girl. And no, I don't have sex.

 113: Ever gotten pregnant?
Refer to the question above.

 114: Ever failed a class?
Yes.

 115: Ever kissed a boy?
DUDE. AFTER ALL THE QUESTIONS ABOUT MAKING OUT?!?

 116: Ever kissed a girl?
-.-

 117: Ever used a little paper bag for lunch?
Yes.

 118: Have you ever had a job?
Yes.

 119: Have you ever slipped on ice?
Yes.

 120: Have you ever missed the bus?
No.

 121: Have you left the house without money?
Yes.

 122: Did you ever bully someone on the internet?
No.
123: Did you ever sexted someone?
Dafuq?

 124: Have you ever had sex in public?
WHAT. DA. F*CK.

 125: Did you ever played on a sports team?
No.

 126: Have you ever smoked weed?
NO.

 127: Have you ever smoked cigarettes?
No,

 128: Have you ever smoked a cigar?
No.

129: Did you ever drink alcohol?
Yes.

 130: Did you ever watched “The Breakfast Club”?
No.

131: Have you ever been overweight?
Yes.

 132: Ever had an eating disorder?
No.

 133: Ever been to a wedding?
Yes.

 134: Ever been in a wedding?
-.-

135: Did you ever made fun of someone for being
fat?
No.

 136: Have you ever been on the computer for 5
hours straight?
Yes.

 137: Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?
Yes.

 138: Ever been late for work?
No.
139: Ever been late for school?
Yes.

 140: Ever kissed in the rain?
Yes.

 141: Did you ever showered with someone else?
OMG NO>

 142: Did you ever fail a driver’s test?
No.

 143: Have you ever run a mile in less than 10
 minutes?
I am not sure.

144: Ever been outside my home country?
No.

 145: Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours?
Yes.

 146: Did you ever get your heart broken?
Many times.

 147: Ever had a credit card?
I am just 19.

 148: Ever been to a professional sports game?
No.

 149: Did you ever broken a bone?
No.

150: Have you ever been unhappy about your
weight?
Pretty much

 151: Did you ever won a trophy in your life?
Yes.

 152: Did you ever cut yourself for no reason?
Yes.

 153: Do you have STD?
DAFUQ NO.

 154: Ever got engaged?
No.

155: Have you ever been on a diet?
Yes. Backfired.

 156: Did you ever been on TV?
Yes.

 157: Ever rode in a taxi?
No.

 158: Ever been to prom?
Yes.

 159: Ever played a drinking game?
Yes.

 160: Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more?
Yes.

161: Ever been to a concert?
Yes.

162: Ever had a three-some?
????

 163: Have you ever had a crush on someone of the
same sex?
No.

 164: Have you ever been in a car accident?
Yes.

 165: Ever had braces?
Yes.

166: Did you ever learn another language?
I am a Malaysian, I learn 3 main languages and so many other dialects, a bit of French and German.

 167: Ever killed an animal?
No.

 168: Ever been to a Japanese steakhouse?
No.

 169: Do you wear make-up?
Yes.

 170: Did you ever talked to someone via webcam?
Yes,

 171: Did you ever have wisdom teeth taken out?
No.

 172: Did you ever kiss someone a different race
than yourself?
No.

 173: Did you ever snuck out of the house?
No.

 174: Did you ever bought porn?
Dafuq?

 175: Ever had a virus on your computer?
Yes.

 176: Ever dyed your hair?
Yes.
 177: Have you ever hugged your teacher?
Yes.

 178: Did you ever graduated from college?
I am finishing college.

 179: Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes?
Yes.

 180: Ever rode in an ambulance?
No.

 181: Ever rode in a helicopter?
No.

 182: Ever caught the stove on fire?
No.

183: Ever got in a verbal fight?
Yes.

 184: Ever meet someone famous?
Yes.

 185: Have you ever been on vacation?
Yes.

 186: Ever been on an airplane?
Yes.

 187: Ever been on a boat?
Yes.

 188: Ever broken something expensive?
Yes.

189: Did you ever have surgery in your life time?
No.

 190: Did you ever kiss someone before you were
14?
Yes.

 191: Ever beat a video game?
I think so?

 192: Ever got in a fist fight?
Yes.

 193: Did you ever find something valuable on the ground?
Yes. A 5 cent coin ( I was 5!)

 194: Did you ever stalk someone on facebook/
MySpace?
Hmm, I think so?

 195: Have you ever prank called someone?
Yes

 196: What are your top 3 favorite colors?
Blue, Black, Purple

 197: What is your number 1 favorite sport?
ARCHERY

198: What’s your favorite singer/rapper?
Adam Levine

 199: What is your number 1 favorite animal? and
why?
Dog are freaking CUTE.

 200: Did you think this looked like fun to do?
NO. (meme picture)