There is always the 'somebody that I used to know' in every of our life. Even mine. I used to have a very good friend, a best friend, someone I love, someone I could open up to, someone whom I could just be normal around with. But I lost that someone, because he cut me off abruptly. Suddenly, he just treated me like a stranger. I missed the times I was with him. All those sweet memories, the times when you told me that I was the one. I even believe them.
Even now I remember all those times when we were happy, or so I thought. I even told myself that you were Mr. Right. I thought of happily ever after. But as time past, I could even feel the loneliness even when I was with you. Is this because of me? Did I change? Or was it you?
I noticed that I get sad very soon. Sometimes, I do doubt whether I was 'addicted' to this kind of emotions. I cry every time I see the ring you gave me. But what hurt me the most was seeing you walking hand in hand with another girl. That really gave me a stab in the heart. I would either swallow the sudden rush of emotions, or literally rush to the nearest bathroom and let the emotions run. I cry not because of you, but me. I cry because thinking how stupid I am. How stupid is it that I could let you lead me into all this temporary suffering. You tricked me into believing you. And I did. Now that you had what you want, you changed your number and leave me in this emotional mess.
I am never going to believe you anymore. Even if you want me to. I don't need your love any longer. I picked up myself and made myself stronger. You are just somebody that I used to know, somebody that I used to love.
(FREAKING SHORT, I KNOW)
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I am who I am
It hurts to hear criticisms from people you love. It is also especially hard to listen people you truly care compare you with others. Saying that, 'Oh, she is so much smarter, prettier etc.' It hurts enough to hear these from your family, but it hurts even more from the person you have a chemistry attraction with. No doubt physical pain hurts, but emotional pain cuts even more deeply.
I used to be in a relationship where eventually I thought I would get married to him. I thought of all the 'happily ever after' even though it is so cliche. But we do discuss about it from time to time. What type of wedding do we agreed on, how big is it going to be and etc. I thought he would be my prince charming, or so I thought. We were like all couples at first, all lovey-dovey, thinking of each other every single moment in a day. Calling them every single free time we would have, texting till the late hours of morning. It was all the same. I loved the times we were like that. But I was naive. And because of being so, I got hurt quite badly.
After that period of lovey-dovey-ness, we settled into the comfortable stage where we could share everything and anything about each other. But also at the same time, the verbal abuse comes in. Not like those verbal bullying, but more like a your-confidence-thrown-down-and-get-stepped-on kind of thing. Every time we go out, you would point out certain thing on other girls like, "Wow, look at that girl, look at the way she dresses, she looks cute in that." Of course every normal girl would feel jealous of that, but she would try and be like that to please you and just make you feel happy. But things got worst. From a long period of time, I tried to live with all these comments that made me feel so insecure. You said other girls look smarter in this sort of way, I tried to change to be like them to please you. You said this particular dresses like this and makes her look pretty and feminine in that way, I tried to change my style of fashion to be like her. You said the way the girl acts makes all other guys drool over her, I tried to be like that too. You said that the way this particular girl walks, talks, sit, eat or whatever makes her look sexy, hot, whatever you guys called it. So, I tried to change all that. Soon, I had changed. I didn't know myself any longer. I didn't know the real me anymore. I knew I couldn't take up with this any longer, no matter how much I still love you. I knew I have to stop this before I go into depression and you just leave me alone to suffer.
I told you off about your behaviour, I told you off saying that I am who I am and whether you love me for this or not. I knew I was stepping on thin ice when I confronted this. There was a chance that you would leave me because of this matter. I remember seeing your eyes, turning into ghastly anger. Within a few seconds, a searing pain went right across my face. I could feel tears in my eyes, even though I was trying very hard not to let them spill. "I couldn't believe you said I was controlling over you life. I was trying to change you into a better person. I guess I am not appreciated in that way. I don't see a point for us to continue." And with that, he left with a part of my soul crushed. I was heartbroken, yes, but it was a start to regain my self identity. Even though nursing a broken heart can be long, but it was only time and determination can heal all the wounds that sharp blade had punctured it in.
Even after a year, I could still that physical pain across my cheek when he had slapped me. I also could feel the emotional damaged he had given me too. But at least my self personality is slowly restored, not fully, but bit by bit. I don't dress like real-life Barbie dolls, I don't act like a rich man's daughter, I don't wear make up when it is necessary. I have my own style, my own way of talking, sitting, walking and etc. It's not for others to judge you, but for you to judge yourself. I am who I am, you are who you are. I don't change for anybody, especially for the people who would be in a relationship with me. I change for the best, and hoped for the best. I try to live by this and don't let my heart dominate my decisions fully without consulting my mind for advice. At least now I still have time to mend my heart that is cracked a little, but not fully broken.
*If there are any mistakes present, I apologize here. This is something that came straight from my heart and mind. In a bad mood rather. But this is not a real life scenario, only parts of it are. Moral of this, don't be with a guy who sees you visually, and not deeply into your own unique personality. Only you can mold yourself into who you want to be, and not him to decide. I used to have a person who sees me, for me. But I made a stupid mistake.
I used to be in a relationship where eventually I thought I would get married to him. I thought of all the 'happily ever after' even though it is so cliche. But we do discuss about it from time to time. What type of wedding do we agreed on, how big is it going to be and etc. I thought he would be my prince charming, or so I thought. We were like all couples at first, all lovey-dovey, thinking of each other every single moment in a day. Calling them every single free time we would have, texting till the late hours of morning. It was all the same. I loved the times we were like that. But I was naive. And because of being so, I got hurt quite badly.
After that period of lovey-dovey-ness, we settled into the comfortable stage where we could share everything and anything about each other. But also at the same time, the verbal abuse comes in. Not like those verbal bullying, but more like a your-confidence-thrown-down-and-get-stepped-on kind of thing. Every time we go out, you would point out certain thing on other girls like, "Wow, look at that girl, look at the way she dresses, she looks cute in that." Of course every normal girl would feel jealous of that, but she would try and be like that to please you and just make you feel happy. But things got worst. From a long period of time, I tried to live with all these comments that made me feel so insecure. You said other girls look smarter in this sort of way, I tried to change to be like them to please you. You said this particular dresses like this and makes her look pretty and feminine in that way, I tried to change my style of fashion to be like her. You said the way the girl acts makes all other guys drool over her, I tried to be like that too. You said that the way this particular girl walks, talks, sit, eat or whatever makes her look sexy, hot, whatever you guys called it. So, I tried to change all that. Soon, I had changed. I didn't know myself any longer. I didn't know the real me anymore. I knew I couldn't take up with this any longer, no matter how much I still love you. I knew I have to stop this before I go into depression and you just leave me alone to suffer.
I told you off about your behaviour, I told you off saying that I am who I am and whether you love me for this or not. I knew I was stepping on thin ice when I confronted this. There was a chance that you would leave me because of this matter. I remember seeing your eyes, turning into ghastly anger. Within a few seconds, a searing pain went right across my face. I could feel tears in my eyes, even though I was trying very hard not to let them spill. "I couldn't believe you said I was controlling over you life. I was trying to change you into a better person. I guess I am not appreciated in that way. I don't see a point for us to continue." And with that, he left with a part of my soul crushed. I was heartbroken, yes, but it was a start to regain my self identity. Even though nursing a broken heart can be long, but it was only time and determination can heal all the wounds that sharp blade had punctured it in.
Even after a year, I could still that physical pain across my cheek when he had slapped me. I also could feel the emotional damaged he had given me too. But at least my self personality is slowly restored, not fully, but bit by bit. I don't dress like real-life Barbie dolls, I don't act like a rich man's daughter, I don't wear make up when it is necessary. I have my own style, my own way of talking, sitting, walking and etc. It's not for others to judge you, but for you to judge yourself. I am who I am, you are who you are. I don't change for anybody, especially for the people who would be in a relationship with me. I change for the best, and hoped for the best. I try to live by this and don't let my heart dominate my decisions fully without consulting my mind for advice. At least now I still have time to mend my heart that is cracked a little, but not fully broken.
*If there are any mistakes present, I apologize here. This is something that came straight from my heart and mind. In a bad mood rather. But this is not a real life scenario, only parts of it are. Moral of this, don't be with a guy who sees you visually, and not deeply into your own unique personality. Only you can mold yourself into who you want to be, and not him to decide. I used to have a person who sees me, for me. But I made a stupid mistake.
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