I'm a 70 years old woman. I was arguing with my husband over petty things until I got so fed up and left for the kitchen. "I love you..." he called out to me, but I didn't bother to reply. I made a cup of coffee then suddenly, my mind wandered off to my younger days, to which I smile at...
I remembered having my first boyfriend during high school. He was like my Johnny Cash while I am his June. I remember kissing for the first time in his Mustang. I loved him very much then. I remember we would go to his attic and sketch pictures of each other but his was better than mine. I remember he would do anything I wanted to do, even making a tattoo for me. I remember us stealing some liqour in my Dad's cupboard and snucked up to the roof to drink. We would talk of our ambitions, the future and about us like getting married and to live happily ever after till we are old. But I never thought that we won't be together long.
On my 18 birthday, we went to a dance at the local hall. We danced all night long. I went over to his place for the night once the dance was over. "Hey Cathy, do you want me to do your tattoo for you?" he asked. I giggled, "Okay, let's do it..." Let me tell you, it hurts so bad when he did the tattoo. He would kiss me every-now-and-then. His kisses somehow soothes the pain. By the next morning, we both had matching tattoos on our arms.
Now my hands and arms are wrinkled, but I could still see the faded tattoo on my left wrist. I suddenly felt sad. I went up to the bedroom and locked myself in there. The memories of him suddenly came back...
Our relationship together are not all the time good. There are bittersweet moments too. After nearing our second year together, our relationship suddenly became sour. He would get pissed off easily and I would be mad of him for a long time. There was once I really made him pissed and that cost his life.
We were fighting quite badly and splashed one of his paintings with red ink. He got even more mad and left the place in the middle of the storm. I decided to just sleep and cool off.
The next morning, he didn't came back. I waited till noon and went over to his parents' home to find him. When I got there, his Mum answered the door. His Mum was crying. I gave her a hug and asked her what was wrong. "Dave... He died..." I couldn't believe what I have just heard. "That can't be..." I whispered. His mum told me bit by bit through all the tears. Dave was driving in the middle of the night. Dave was driving in the rain. Dave was trying to drive past the boulder in the middle of the road. Dave's car skidded and flew down from the cliff. Dave's car caught fire. Dave died.
I couldn't believe what she had said. Deep down, I know his death was my fault, all my fault. I went back home and cried for months, in guilt.
Now, thinking back of Dave, I couldn't help but cry. I love him and still do even though I am married now. I took my car keys and drove to the cliffside. There, I couldn't help but just cry. Whenever I closed my eyes, I could feel Dave hugging me. 'Dave, I miss you...and I'm sorry...'
*This was inspired by Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away"
Friday, December 30, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
short
Once I heard someone told me that love is like a warm blanket that keeps you warm on a cold day. Without it, you might freeze from other people. I truly somehow believe that
Knots and Flutter under the Misletoe
I remember asking my Mama when or how did she knew that Daddy was the one for her. She said, "When he kissed me for the first time, I felt the flutter in me. The flutter sealed our faith, it was just meant to be. Myth says that when two people kiss for the first time and when they feel the flutter, you will know that she or he is the right one. But, when you feel the knots in yourself, then, the two of them are not meant to be. Understand, Wen?" She ruffled my hair and smiled at me. I was only eight at that time.
All through my childhood, I believed in that. But once I hit adolescence and had my first boyfriend, somehow, that belief had suddenly diminished. Every time I kissed any of my ex-boyfriends, I was hoping to find that small flutter my Mama was talking about, but, I couldn't feel it. I just felt the knots. I thought it was just a piece of crap that parents told their kids. Until one night...
It was Christmas eve and my best friend, Darren had invited me to a masquerade party at his friend's place. I didn't have anything to wear as it was a last minute invite, so, I just wore a simple white dress and just grab my sister's halloween mask to wear. I went to the party alone and was in amidst of strangers. So, I just sat at the mini bar and drank some booze there. I think it was a little after eleven when I started wandering around, trying to find the door to the exist as I wanted to leave. I finally found the door and left for the lift. As I was waiting for the lift to arrive, a guy wearing a decent mask in black and a red scarf waited beside me too. He smiled and nodded in my direction. I did the same too. We both went into the lift together. It was rather awkward as there was this silence but it was that kind of awkward silence that is not all that awkward to myself. Suddenly all went dark and the lift suddenly not functioning. I was so afraid, I couldn't see anything.
Suddenly, I felt someone's arm around my waist and someone's lips on mine. I know the first instinct I should do is to push the person away but, I felt a little flutter in my stomach. It was the flutter my Mama was talking about! All of a sudden, the lights were functioning again. I was still kissing the person. I was staring into a pair of brown eyes. After a few minutes of lip lock, the guy removed my mask. And then, he removed his. I was surprised to see it was Darren! "Wendy, I really want to tell you for many years that...I love you..." He had that hopeful twinkle in his eye. I didn't know what to say, the first question that popped up was,"Why did you kissed me?" He had that shy grin and pointed up the lift ceiling. I turned towards where he was pointing and saw a misletoe. I didn't know why but I suddenly got angry. Once the doors of the lift opened, I stormed out to the streets covered with snow. I pulled my coat tighter and walked down the street. I felt someone caught my arm and pulled me towards the person. It was Darren. He pulled me near him and kissed me and suddenly, all that doubt about him vanished. That flutter was there. And suddenly, the whole atmasphere was full of fireworks. It was just perfect. Over the loud sounds, I told Darren, "Darren! I love you too!"
All through my childhood, I believed in that. But once I hit adolescence and had my first boyfriend, somehow, that belief had suddenly diminished. Every time I kissed any of my ex-boyfriends, I was hoping to find that small flutter my Mama was talking about, but, I couldn't feel it. I just felt the knots. I thought it was just a piece of crap that parents told their kids. Until one night...
It was Christmas eve and my best friend, Darren had invited me to a masquerade party at his friend's place. I didn't have anything to wear as it was a last minute invite, so, I just wore a simple white dress and just grab my sister's halloween mask to wear. I went to the party alone and was in amidst of strangers. So, I just sat at the mini bar and drank some booze there. I think it was a little after eleven when I started wandering around, trying to find the door to the exist as I wanted to leave. I finally found the door and left for the lift. As I was waiting for the lift to arrive, a guy wearing a decent mask in black and a red scarf waited beside me too. He smiled and nodded in my direction. I did the same too. We both went into the lift together. It was rather awkward as there was this silence but it was that kind of awkward silence that is not all that awkward to myself. Suddenly all went dark and the lift suddenly not functioning. I was so afraid, I couldn't see anything.
Suddenly, I felt someone's arm around my waist and someone's lips on mine. I know the first instinct I should do is to push the person away but, I felt a little flutter in my stomach. It was the flutter my Mama was talking about! All of a sudden, the lights were functioning again. I was still kissing the person. I was staring into a pair of brown eyes. After a few minutes of lip lock, the guy removed my mask. And then, he removed his. I was surprised to see it was Darren! "Wendy, I really want to tell you for many years that...I love you..." He had that hopeful twinkle in his eye. I didn't know what to say, the first question that popped up was,"Why did you kissed me?" He had that shy grin and pointed up the lift ceiling. I turned towards where he was pointing and saw a misletoe. I didn't know why but I suddenly got angry. Once the doors of the lift opened, I stormed out to the streets covered with snow. I pulled my coat tighter and walked down the street. I felt someone caught my arm and pulled me towards the person. It was Darren. He pulled me near him and kissed me and suddenly, all that doubt about him vanished. That flutter was there. And suddenly, the whole atmasphere was full of fireworks. It was just perfect. Over the loud sounds, I told Darren, "Darren! I love you too!"
Friday, December 16, 2011
Merry Christmas
Christmas is not about gifts or presents. Christmas is about being with your love ones. Christmas is not about St. Nicholas in a big red suit giving out presents to kids on the 'nice' list. Christmas is about the birth of our saviour who would redeem the world. He was given by God for us to have eternal life. He is Jesus. Jesus is the main reason why people celebrate Christmas. Many people had mistaken about the true meaning of Christmas, but I haven't. What about you? Feliz Navidad everyone. Amen. :-)
Friday, December 9, 2011
SPM 2011 long essay: "...They looked at each other and smiled meaningfully."
I wrote this for the long essay during my public exams, SPM. I hope it is alright. :)
"...They looked at each other and smiled meaningfully."
*Please do let me know through my comment box or cbox that you had used this as a reference. Do not plagiarize. Thank you*
I remember the time when Mum and Dad was still happy together. My family was fine. My parents sometimes do fight, but recently, the fights became all too often. I remember the day when I saw Mum crying...
It was a Saturday morning when it all happen. I was sleeping in. On Saturdays, I would sleep til 10, wakes up by then, take a big bowl and filled in with my favourite cereal, Honey Stars and catch my favourite cartoons on TV. I remember one particular Saturday morning, I was still sleeping soundly. I remember waking up to the sun rays shining through the blinds of the curtains. The sun shone onto my eyes. I rubbed my eyes and stretched. I gave a big yawn. Suddenly, I heard Mum and Dad arguing on the first landing. They were shouting very loudly. Suddenly, a loud bang was heard. I tiptoed towards my bedroom door. I was lucky that my bedroom door left a small gap for me to peek through. I peeked through and was shocked to see Mum crying on the floor. I was very scared by the sight of Mum crying. Since that day, the fights increased. And that was not the last time I saw Mum crying. I hoped Mum and Dad will apologize and be good to each other again.
Many times I saw or heard Mum and Dad arguing. Always it ended with Mum crying and Dad shouting at the top of his lungs. Dad would sometimes also scold me or beat me really hard when he is really mad. Sometimes, I don't know why does he do that. I didn't do anything wrong. But at other times, Dad can be very nice to me. One day, Dad brought me out for ice cream. Dad drove me down town to the ice cream parlour for my favourite strawberry sundae. On the way back home, dad told me, "Lily, I am going to move away..." I stared at him while he concentrated to drive. "You are leaving me and Mummy?" I asked. "No, I'm not leaving you, I just wanna get away from Mummy, and I want you to follow me..." I suddenly felt worried. "Daddy, are you and Mummy going to have a divorce?" I asked cautiously. "Yes, Lily. And I want you to follow me..." he replied. "No, I don't want..." There was an awkward silence in the air. I hung my head low. Dad kept quiet. I cried silently throughout the whole journey back home.
One day, I was near Mum's study. I accidentally kicked my ball onto Mum's study table and a bunch of papers fell onto the floor. I bend down and picked them up. An envelope caught my eye. The envelope had Mum's medical centre logo stamped on with her name on. I was curious and decided to opened it. It was a long letter from Mum's doctor. I tried reading the letter but the words was very hard for my eight year old mind. But one word caught my attention. 'Brain tumor'. Then suddenly, it struck me. Mum had brain tumor. I quickly put the letter in and ran straight to my room. I closed the door behind me. I ran up to my bed and pulled the covers above my head and cried. I prayed Mum would get well soon.
Later on, Mum decided to agree on the divorce, on one condition. That Dad carried Mum out from their bedroom to the living room every morning for a month, to signify that Dad carried her out from her marriage, like how Dad carried Mum into the marriage. Dad said it was a ridiculous but eventually agreed to it. So the first morning, Dad carried Mum. They looked so funny, Dad carrying Mum. I squealed in delight when Dad lifted Mum up. Dad was so clumsy when he carried Mum. The nearly broke the antique vase in the living room. They looked awkward like that. I watched them everyday. Day by day, Dad could carry Mum with ease. They don't look so awkward doing so. But as days passes, Mum look skinnier and more fragile. I wonder does Dat noticed that.
During the last week of the month, I asked Dad, "Daddy, do you love me?" He ruffled my hair and replied, "Yes dear, of course I do..." I smiled widely, "Then, do you love Mummy?" I saw his brows were knitted together in frustration, "Yes, I do love your Mummy..." I grinned even wider, "That means that, you and Mummy aren't going to have the divorce?" Dad bend down to look at me, "No Lily...we are still going through the divorce..." "Why?!" I asked. I suddenly started crying. "Why do you still want to hurt Mummy, even when she is so sick? Why Daddy, why!"I couldn't contain my tears any longer and started with large sobs. Dad's eyes changed from frustration to anxiety. He held my shoulders firmly and asked, "Lily, what are you saying? Mummy is sick? How do you know? Lily, tell me!" I could see from his face that he was very scared. "I, I accidentally read Mummy's letter, from the doctor. In the letter, it said, th...that Mummy has brain tumour..."
Once Daddy understood my words, he took out his cellphone and dialed a number. "Lauren, I'm not going through the divorce. Yes, I'm sure with my decision. No, I've changed. Never call this number again." and he hung up. Dad carried me up to Mum's bedroom. In her bedroom, Mum was on her bed. She looked so fragile, so weak. Her face had that sunken look. She gave a small smile when we came into her room. Dad put me down beside her bed. "Is it true? That, you are sick?" Dad asked. I saw tears in Mum's eyes. She held onto Dad's hand, "I'm so sorry for not telling you...I didn't want you both to get worried..." Dad wiped her tears off her eyes and kissed her on the forehead. I smiled to myself. Dad and Mum are being good to each other again. I turned to look at both of them. They looked at each other and smiled meaningfully.
TheEnd
(You guys may wonder where have you heard or read this before, yes, it is from facebook. During the exams, I thought of this story and decided to write it for the exams. Little did I know that it was from facebook. Hope it is okay. Cheerio.)
© mabeljehanne2012
"...They looked at each other and smiled meaningfully."
*Please do let me know through my comment box or cbox that you had used this as a reference. Do not plagiarize. Thank you*
I remember the time when Mum and Dad was still happy together. My family was fine. My parents sometimes do fight, but recently, the fights became all too often. I remember the day when I saw Mum crying...
It was a Saturday morning when it all happen. I was sleeping in. On Saturdays, I would sleep til 10, wakes up by then, take a big bowl and filled in with my favourite cereal, Honey Stars and catch my favourite cartoons on TV. I remember one particular Saturday morning, I was still sleeping soundly. I remember waking up to the sun rays shining through the blinds of the curtains. The sun shone onto my eyes. I rubbed my eyes and stretched. I gave a big yawn. Suddenly, I heard Mum and Dad arguing on the first landing. They were shouting very loudly. Suddenly, a loud bang was heard. I tiptoed towards my bedroom door. I was lucky that my bedroom door left a small gap for me to peek through. I peeked through and was shocked to see Mum crying on the floor. I was very scared by the sight of Mum crying. Since that day, the fights increased. And that was not the last time I saw Mum crying. I hoped Mum and Dad will apologize and be good to each other again.
Many times I saw or heard Mum and Dad arguing. Always it ended with Mum crying and Dad shouting at the top of his lungs. Dad would sometimes also scold me or beat me really hard when he is really mad. Sometimes, I don't know why does he do that. I didn't do anything wrong. But at other times, Dad can be very nice to me. One day, Dad brought me out for ice cream. Dad drove me down town to the ice cream parlour for my favourite strawberry sundae. On the way back home, dad told me, "Lily, I am going to move away..." I stared at him while he concentrated to drive. "You are leaving me and Mummy?" I asked. "No, I'm not leaving you, I just wanna get away from Mummy, and I want you to follow me..." I suddenly felt worried. "Daddy, are you and Mummy going to have a divorce?" I asked cautiously. "Yes, Lily. And I want you to follow me..." he replied. "No, I don't want..." There was an awkward silence in the air. I hung my head low. Dad kept quiet. I cried silently throughout the whole journey back home.
One day, I was near Mum's study. I accidentally kicked my ball onto Mum's study table and a bunch of papers fell onto the floor. I bend down and picked them up. An envelope caught my eye. The envelope had Mum's medical centre logo stamped on with her name on. I was curious and decided to opened it. It was a long letter from Mum's doctor. I tried reading the letter but the words was very hard for my eight year old mind. But one word caught my attention. 'Brain tumor'. Then suddenly, it struck me. Mum had brain tumor. I quickly put the letter in and ran straight to my room. I closed the door behind me. I ran up to my bed and pulled the covers above my head and cried. I prayed Mum would get well soon.
Later on, Mum decided to agree on the divorce, on one condition. That Dad carried Mum out from their bedroom to the living room every morning for a month, to signify that Dad carried her out from her marriage, like how Dad carried Mum into the marriage. Dad said it was a ridiculous but eventually agreed to it. So the first morning, Dad carried Mum. They looked so funny, Dad carrying Mum. I squealed in delight when Dad lifted Mum up. Dad was so clumsy when he carried Mum. The nearly broke the antique vase in the living room. They looked awkward like that. I watched them everyday. Day by day, Dad could carry Mum with ease. They don't look so awkward doing so. But as days passes, Mum look skinnier and more fragile. I wonder does Dat noticed that.
During the last week of the month, I asked Dad, "Daddy, do you love me?" He ruffled my hair and replied, "Yes dear, of course I do..." I smiled widely, "Then, do you love Mummy?" I saw his brows were knitted together in frustration, "Yes, I do love your Mummy..." I grinned even wider, "That means that, you and Mummy aren't going to have the divorce?" Dad bend down to look at me, "No Lily...we are still going through the divorce..." "Why?!" I asked. I suddenly started crying. "Why do you still want to hurt Mummy, even when she is so sick? Why Daddy, why!"I couldn't contain my tears any longer and started with large sobs. Dad's eyes changed from frustration to anxiety. He held my shoulders firmly and asked, "Lily, what are you saying? Mummy is sick? How do you know? Lily, tell me!" I could see from his face that he was very scared. "I, I accidentally read Mummy's letter, from the doctor. In the letter, it said, th...that Mummy has brain tumour..."
Once Daddy understood my words, he took out his cellphone and dialed a number. "Lauren, I'm not going through the divorce. Yes, I'm sure with my decision. No, I've changed. Never call this number again." and he hung up. Dad carried me up to Mum's bedroom. In her bedroom, Mum was on her bed. She looked so fragile, so weak. Her face had that sunken look. She gave a small smile when we came into her room. Dad put me down beside her bed. "Is it true? That, you are sick?" Dad asked. I saw tears in Mum's eyes. She held onto Dad's hand, "I'm so sorry for not telling you...I didn't want you both to get worried..." Dad wiped her tears off her eyes and kissed her on the forehead. I smiled to myself. Dad and Mum are being good to each other again. I turned to look at both of them. They looked at each other and smiled meaningfully.
TheEnd
(You guys may wonder where have you heard or read this before, yes, it is from facebook. During the exams, I thought of this story and decided to write it for the exams. Little did I know that it was from facebook. Hope it is okay. Cheerio.)
© mabeljehanne2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Best Friends
7th Grade
"Okay class, we will be learning on simultaneous equations today. Now class, turn to page 87..."
I was suppose to listen to Mrs. Joni, but I couldn't concentrate during her classes. My mind would eventually wander off to my 'best friend', Lily. I would sometimes take a small peek at the corner of my eyes just to look at her. Sometimes, I would stare at her for a very long time. Her pretty face, her smooth silky hair which hang just above her waist. I wished she was mine. But she doesn't see me in that kind of way. She didn't like me like that. She just like me as a 'best friend'. I knew that for a very long time.
After class, she walked up to me. "Hey Sam, could you lend me those notes Mrs. Joni gave in class yesterday? I was absent yesterday." I dugged my backpack and took out the papers Mrs. Joni gave the day before. "Here you go, Lily."She took the papers and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks Sam!"And she walked off. My fingers touched the place where Lily kissed me on my cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell her my feelings for her. I want her to know that. I want her to know that I didn't to be 'just friends' with her. But I was so shy to do so...I really don't know why.
Junior Year
I was arranging my stuff on my desk when my phone suddenly rang. It was Lily. I answered it, "Hello Lily? Whaddup?" I heard a sob and a sniff. "Lily! Are you okay? Are you...crying?" Another sob. "Matt and I...we...he...he broke up with me..."she mumbled. Matt was Lily's first love. "Lily, are you okay now?" I asked. Another sniff. "Sam, could you...I mean, if you are free, could you come over? I really don't want to be alone..." I hung up immediately. Straight away, I got on my bike and rode over to her place. I found her hugging her pillow and crying on the couch. I sat next to her and comforted her. I stared into her eyes, her beautiful soft brown eyes, wishing so she was mine and mine alone.
After two whole hours of a 'Drew Barrymore' movie and three bags of chips, Lily said she was tired and wanted to sleep.
She looked at me and gave me a small smile. "Thanks Sam..." And she leaned towards me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. On the way back home, I kept thinking. I wanted her to know, my feelings for her. I really wanted to tell her. I don't want to be 'just friends' with her. I love her. But, I'm too shy to tell her that. 'Why am I like that?'I thought.
Senior Year
It was a day before our prom. I was taking some books out from my locker. I saw that familiar brown hair walking towards my locker. "Sam, my date's sick. He can't go..." she said. I remember us saying when we were 7th grade that if neither one of us have dates for prom, we promised to go together, as 'best friends'. And so, we did.
Prom Night
After everything ended, I brought Lily back home. We were standing at her doorstep. I stared deeply into her eyes, grinning. She smiled. 'Should I tell her? My feelings for her? I really wanted her to know. I want her to be mine. Should I kiss her too?' I thought. But I know, she doesn't think of me like that, she just thought of me as her 'best friend'. "I had the best time! Thank you!"she said. She tip-toed and kissed me on the cheek. She opened her front door, and went in. I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know I don't want to be 'just friends' with her. I love her, but, I'm just too shy. And I don't know why.
Graduation day
Time passes so darn fast. A day, a week, then a month. Time flew so fast in a blink of an eye. It was graduation day already. I felt so happy when I saw Lily, with her perfect body floating like an angel on stage, to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she doens't think of me that way, and I know it.
Before everyone went to their own ways, Lily came up to me, in her robe and hat. She was crying. I hugged her tight, not wanting to let go. She lifted her head offf my shoulder. She said, "You are my best friend!" I gave a smile and said, "Thank you..." She leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I don't want to be 'just friends' with her. I love her, but I am too shy, and, I don't even know why.
A few years later
I'm in my best suit and tie. Sitting on the pews of the church. A church she is getting married at. She's so beautiful. In her white dress with a long train, and the veil. I hear her say 'I do'. I watched her drive away, away to her new life. She's married now, married to another man, not me. How much do I wanted her to be mine, but, she doesn't see it that way, and I know that. Before she drove away, she came to me and hugged me tight. "You came! Thank you so much!"and she kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I didn't want to be 'just friends'. I love her too much, but, I'm too shy.
Many Years Passed
I was at the same church again, sitting on the same pews. But this time is not a wedding, but a funeral. I looked down, into the coffin, staring at the beautiful girl, who used to be my 'best friend'. During the service, they were reading one of Lily's diary entry during her high school days. It read:
"I stare at him, I really wanted him to know, how I felt for him. I wanted him to know, that I don't want to be 'just friends'. I wanted to tell him, but I'm just too shy. I really don't know why. I really wished he would tell me he loves me."
I couldn't hold my tears any longer. I ran out from the service. I cried. I wished that I did too. I wished that I told her I loved her, too. Tears and tears of sadness and regret came like there's no tomorrow. 'Why didn't I tell her when I had the chance? Why didn't I tell her I loved her? All these years...'I thought.
"Okay class, we will be learning on simultaneous equations today. Now class, turn to page 87..."
I was suppose to listen to Mrs. Joni, but I couldn't concentrate during her classes. My mind would eventually wander off to my 'best friend', Lily. I would sometimes take a small peek at the corner of my eyes just to look at her. Sometimes, I would stare at her for a very long time. Her pretty face, her smooth silky hair which hang just above her waist. I wished she was mine. But she doesn't see me in that kind of way. She didn't like me like that. She just like me as a 'best friend'. I knew that for a very long time.
After class, she walked up to me. "Hey Sam, could you lend me those notes Mrs. Joni gave in class yesterday? I was absent yesterday." I dugged my backpack and took out the papers Mrs. Joni gave the day before. "Here you go, Lily."She took the papers and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks Sam!"And she walked off. My fingers touched the place where Lily kissed me on my cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell her my feelings for her. I want her to know that. I want her to know that I didn't to be 'just friends' with her. But I was so shy to do so...I really don't know why.
Junior Year
I was arranging my stuff on my desk when my phone suddenly rang. It was Lily. I answered it, "Hello Lily? Whaddup?" I heard a sob and a sniff. "Lily! Are you okay? Are you...crying?" Another sob. "Matt and I...we...he...he broke up with me..."she mumbled. Matt was Lily's first love. "Lily, are you okay now?" I asked. Another sniff. "Sam, could you...I mean, if you are free, could you come over? I really don't want to be alone..." I hung up immediately. Straight away, I got on my bike and rode over to her place. I found her hugging her pillow and crying on the couch. I sat next to her and comforted her. I stared into her eyes, her beautiful soft brown eyes, wishing so she was mine and mine alone.
After two whole hours of a 'Drew Barrymore' movie and three bags of chips, Lily said she was tired and wanted to sleep.
She looked at me and gave me a small smile. "Thanks Sam..." And she leaned towards me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. On the way back home, I kept thinking. I wanted her to know, my feelings for her. I really wanted to tell her. I don't want to be 'just friends' with her. I love her. But, I'm too shy to tell her that. 'Why am I like that?'I thought.
Senior Year
It was a day before our prom. I was taking some books out from my locker. I saw that familiar brown hair walking towards my locker. "Sam, my date's sick. He can't go..." she said. I remember us saying when we were 7th grade that if neither one of us have dates for prom, we promised to go together, as 'best friends'. And so, we did.
Prom Night
After everything ended, I brought Lily back home. We were standing at her doorstep. I stared deeply into her eyes, grinning. She smiled. 'Should I tell her? My feelings for her? I really wanted her to know. I want her to be mine. Should I kiss her too?' I thought. But I know, she doesn't think of me like that, she just thought of me as her 'best friend'. "I had the best time! Thank you!"she said. She tip-toed and kissed me on the cheek. She opened her front door, and went in. I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know I don't want to be 'just friends' with her. I love her, but, I'm just too shy. And I don't know why.
Graduation day
Time passes so darn fast. A day, a week, then a month. Time flew so fast in a blink of an eye. It was graduation day already. I felt so happy when I saw Lily, with her perfect body floating like an angel on stage, to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she doens't think of me that way, and I know it.
Before everyone went to their own ways, Lily came up to me, in her robe and hat. She was crying. I hugged her tight, not wanting to let go. She lifted her head offf my shoulder. She said, "You are my best friend!" I gave a smile and said, "Thank you..." She leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I don't want to be 'just friends' with her. I love her, but I am too shy, and, I don't even know why.
A few years later
I'm in my best suit and tie. Sitting on the pews of the church. A church she is getting married at. She's so beautiful. In her white dress with a long train, and the veil. I hear her say 'I do'. I watched her drive away, away to her new life. She's married now, married to another man, not me. How much do I wanted her to be mine, but, she doesn't see it that way, and I know that. Before she drove away, she came to me and hugged me tight. "You came! Thank you so much!"and she kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I didn't want to be 'just friends'. I love her too much, but, I'm too shy.
Many Years Passed
I was at the same church again, sitting on the same pews. But this time is not a wedding, but a funeral. I looked down, into the coffin, staring at the beautiful girl, who used to be my 'best friend'. During the service, they were reading one of Lily's diary entry during her high school days. It read:
"I stare at him, I really wanted him to know, how I felt for him. I wanted him to know, that I don't want to be 'just friends'. I wanted to tell him, but I'm just too shy. I really don't know why. I really wished he would tell me he loves me."
I couldn't hold my tears any longer. I ran out from the service. I cried. I wished that I did too. I wished that I told her I loved her, too. Tears and tears of sadness and regret came like there's no tomorrow. 'Why didn't I tell her when I had the chance? Why didn't I tell her I loved her? All these years...'I thought.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Another Blog for another Story!
Hey! I have another blog for my Long Stories! Here is it:
http://jehannemystoriesmylove.wordpress.com/
Hope you enjoy! :-)
http://jehannemystoriesmylove.wordpress.com/
Hope you enjoy! :-)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Faith
My finger touched against the rough fabric of Tony's attitre, his army suit. The dark green cloth had the strong smell of mud and dust. Suddenly, a sob caught up. My finger retracted. Tony hadn't come since the last time he went out for war. It was also the last time I saw him, and it was the last argument. The argument was so bad. I remember the whole scenario which was really, really heart wrenching...
It was the night before he was to leave fr his next posting. It was so sad to watch him pack his things, his army baggage, his army boots, everything. I remember placing my face into my palms in frustration. I didn't want him to leave. i started crying then. Tony heard my quiet sobs. He came over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. ''Lenna, are you okay?'' I shook my head, not sure what to say. ''Shhh...Lenna, please, tell me...what's wrong?'' He hugged me tight. I breathe out a shaky breath. ''Do you, have to go? Really, really go?'' Tony didn't know what to say. Finally, he found words to speak, ''Lenna, you know that I have to, for the country and everybody...'' I pushed him aside, ''What about me? Don't you love me?'' He came over and hugged me again, 'Í love you too. But, you have to know, the country needs me. The people needs me.'' I know I am just being whiny and rediculous but, I want him to just come back and don't get me worried any more. I pushed him aside and just blew off. 'Í want you here with me! I can't stand you being so a far away. Do you know how alone I had been since you had left!?'' And the arguement picked up from there. The only thing I ever remembered through all my tears were, ''Why did I ever marry you?''
The next day, he was gone. I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. I knew I had made him very angry and dissapointed in me. I don't even know why I was like that. Soon, I understand why, I was having his child in me. And I have a gut feeling that the child didn't want him to leave. Months have past since I last heard of Tony. The time that past was so long, that I gave birth to our baby. I named his daughter Faith Valentine because she was borned on Valentine's day, our wedding anniversary. I remember very well that I wrote many many letters to him, telling him that I am pregnant, that we have a daughter and that we want him to come home. But he never reply any of them. I was so upset and had been living in a guilt all those times after he had left. I can't believe I said whatever I had said to Tony.
After nearly a year of him not around due to the war happening, the time for him come back home. I let Faith wear a pretty nice dress and waited for the truck that always bring Tony back. Finally, the truck came. I was so happy, that I brought Faith in my arms and when out to the porch, but, Tony never came. The two commisioned officers came, carrying a military suit and a box.
''Mrs. Michaels? I am Sergeant Jackson, and this is Sergeant Vales. I would like to tell you that your Navy husband, Anthony Michaels had passed away. My condolences.''
When I heard, I was so shocked. Too shock to even cry. My senses were messed up. I didn't know what to do. My few months old daughter were looking at me with her wide big eyes. I was trying hold back my tears.
''Mrs. Michaels, this is your husband's suit, his badge for service and a letter that didn't get to be send to you. I'm sorry, your husband was a great loss to our nation and also to you and your young daughter. G'day madam.''
I took all of Tony's things and went back in with Faith. I sat down after settling Faith in her crib next to me. I sliced open the letter and a small bronze locket fell off the floor. I bend down and picked it up. I wiped the locket and saw words carved. It said, 'Faith, I love you...' I held it close to my heart. I took out the letter and tried to not cry.
'Dear Lenna,
I'm sorry that I made you angry that night. I know that you miss me very much and you were not well. When I heard you were pregnant with my child, I was so happy and really wanted to come home and just take care of you. I want to see you and the baby. I want to see our daughter grow, but, I guess it can't happen. Lenna, you were the best thing that had ever happen to me. And now, you had given me the best gift in my life, even though I may not be able to see our daughter grow. I want you to take care of my, of 'our' daughter for me.
I am very sick now, and dying from and epidemic that had been spreading like wildfire here. I found a locket with our child's name. I also had left a photo of me and you in it, for our daughter to see when she gets older. Lenna, I love you. Please, take care of yourself and Faith. And its not your fault for everything that has happened or is going to happen.
Faith, take care of your mummy when you get older. Don't make her get mad. She's just trying to take care of you. Here's the locket for you.
I really want you to call me one last time, to call me Tony one last time. Faith dear, I want you to call me daddy too. I guess I may not have that last wish from the both of you.
I love the both of you, really I do.
Love,
Anthony Michaels
Your beloved husband and father
After reading it, I couldn't contain my sadness any longer. I was really crying like a basin overflowing with water. Suddenly, I heard Faith talking. ''Momma...''
I was so shocked to hear that. In the midst of my tears, i went towards her. ''Faith dear, what did you say?'' I asked her. But she didn't say anything. So, i opened the locket. In the locket, there was the wedding photo of me and Tony. I held back a sob. Faith saw Tony and said, ''dad.....dy...'' I was so happy when I heard that. In my mind, I thought, 'Tony, Faith is calling for you...''I smiled through my tears as I snuggled Faith. I sniffed, ''Tony, I love you...''
It was the night before he was to leave fr his next posting. It was so sad to watch him pack his things, his army baggage, his army boots, everything. I remember placing my face into my palms in frustration. I didn't want him to leave. i started crying then. Tony heard my quiet sobs. He came over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. ''Lenna, are you okay?'' I shook my head, not sure what to say. ''Shhh...Lenna, please, tell me...what's wrong?'' He hugged me tight. I breathe out a shaky breath. ''Do you, have to go? Really, really go?'' Tony didn't know what to say. Finally, he found words to speak, ''Lenna, you know that I have to, for the country and everybody...'' I pushed him aside, ''What about me? Don't you love me?'' He came over and hugged me again, 'Í love you too. But, you have to know, the country needs me. The people needs me.'' I know I am just being whiny and rediculous but, I want him to just come back and don't get me worried any more. I pushed him aside and just blew off. 'Í want you here with me! I can't stand you being so a far away. Do you know how alone I had been since you had left!?'' And the arguement picked up from there. The only thing I ever remembered through all my tears were, ''Why did I ever marry you?''
The next day, he was gone. I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. I knew I had made him very angry and dissapointed in me. I don't even know why I was like that. Soon, I understand why, I was having his child in me. And I have a gut feeling that the child didn't want him to leave. Months have past since I last heard of Tony. The time that past was so long, that I gave birth to our baby. I named his daughter Faith Valentine because she was borned on Valentine's day, our wedding anniversary. I remember very well that I wrote many many letters to him, telling him that I am pregnant, that we have a daughter and that we want him to come home. But he never reply any of them. I was so upset and had been living in a guilt all those times after he had left. I can't believe I said whatever I had said to Tony.
After nearly a year of him not around due to the war happening, the time for him come back home. I let Faith wear a pretty nice dress and waited for the truck that always bring Tony back. Finally, the truck came. I was so happy, that I brought Faith in my arms and when out to the porch, but, Tony never came. The two commisioned officers came, carrying a military suit and a box.
''Mrs. Michaels? I am Sergeant Jackson, and this is Sergeant Vales. I would like to tell you that your Navy husband, Anthony Michaels had passed away. My condolences.''
When I heard, I was so shocked. Too shock to even cry. My senses were messed up. I didn't know what to do. My few months old daughter were looking at me with her wide big eyes. I was trying hold back my tears.
''Mrs. Michaels, this is your husband's suit, his badge for service and a letter that didn't get to be send to you. I'm sorry, your husband was a great loss to our nation and also to you and your young daughter. G'day madam.''
I took all of Tony's things and went back in with Faith. I sat down after settling Faith in her crib next to me. I sliced open the letter and a small bronze locket fell off the floor. I bend down and picked it up. I wiped the locket and saw words carved. It said, 'Faith, I love you...' I held it close to my heart. I took out the letter and tried to not cry.
'Dear Lenna,
I'm sorry that I made you angry that night. I know that you miss me very much and you were not well. When I heard you were pregnant with my child, I was so happy and really wanted to come home and just take care of you. I want to see you and the baby. I want to see our daughter grow, but, I guess it can't happen. Lenna, you were the best thing that had ever happen to me. And now, you had given me the best gift in my life, even though I may not be able to see our daughter grow. I want you to take care of my, of 'our' daughter for me.
I am very sick now, and dying from and epidemic that had been spreading like wildfire here. I found a locket with our child's name. I also had left a photo of me and you in it, for our daughter to see when she gets older. Lenna, I love you. Please, take care of yourself and Faith. And its not your fault for everything that has happened or is going to happen.
Faith, take care of your mummy when you get older. Don't make her get mad. She's just trying to take care of you. Here's the locket for you.
I really want you to call me one last time, to call me Tony one last time. Faith dear, I want you to call me daddy too. I guess I may not have that last wish from the both of you.
I love the both of you, really I do.
Love,
Anthony Michaels
Your beloved husband and father
After reading it, I couldn't contain my sadness any longer. I was really crying like a basin overflowing with water. Suddenly, I heard Faith talking. ''Momma...''
I was so shocked to hear that. In the midst of my tears, i went towards her. ''Faith dear, what did you say?'' I asked her. But she didn't say anything. So, i opened the locket. In the locket, there was the wedding photo of me and Tony. I held back a sob. Faith saw Tony and said, ''dad.....dy...'' I was so happy when I heard that. In my mind, I thought, 'Tony, Faith is calling for you...''I smiled through my tears as I snuggled Faith. I sniffed, ''Tony, I love you...''
5 years in the world of choral music, never regretted once
I remember 5 years ago, when I was 13 in January, I was thinking what to join for extracurricular activities. There's bands, English society, art society, cheerleading, scouts, etc. I wanted something less risky, so, cheerleading was out of the point. I wanted something to do with music. So, either it was choir or band. I thought, band is hard, learning another instrument was tough whereas choir is just singing and I had experience before in choir during pri school days. So, I joined that. And my goodness was I wrong when I said it was easy. I remember going into the stuffy choir room on a Friday to get the registration form. In the room, there were many members from the afternoon session, both new and old. The new members were told from both the teacher advisor, Pn Loh Aik Ban and our then president, Carmen Leong to attend the practice the next day.
I remember during the first practice that Saturday, we were warming up our voices. Then, we were introduce to or coach, Ms Susanna Saw. The older members left to practice outside. One by one, us newbies were given a voice test. Nearly everyone there were put to soprano, I on the other hand was put to alto which I never regretted til this day. From the first day itself, I had learned that, sectionals are boring but essential to a song. I remember the first half of my first year in choir, I had problems learning my alto part of any songs given. I would always get distracted and went on singing the soprano part all the way. Another problem was that, I sang using throat voice all the way. I couldn't change my voice to head voice. From choir, head voice is good, throat voice is bad, that was what I had learned. I also remember that the choir had an audition for the up coming competitions. Sadly, I didn't got in. But, I learned the criteria to be in the team, expression, and good technique.
Actually, I wanted to quit after the first year ended, but, one thing kept me going for 5 years. In around the middle of the year, a choral event prevented me from quiting. I went and joined the young singers choral festival, currently known as Malaysian Choral Eisteddfod. There, I had changed my whole prospective about choirs. That year, I had learned how to dance many Sarawak dances together with their songs. Also with folk songs and various other genres. I was so happy then that I promised myself to go annually.
After choral fest, I changed my ways in choir. I tried relearning all the songs for my part. During the second half of the year, there was another audition for a state competition. I went and try out for it and I got into the team thanks to Pn Loh for giving me the opportunity. We practice under Ms Susanna and Mr Ng Jin Keat for many many weeks from morning til evening, skipping many days of school. But, it was worth it. We had gotten 2nd, behind SMK Kepong. Since then, I fell in love with performing.
In the second year and til my senior year, I had been in the school team and also had been leading the altos. I was given the opportunity to learn from friends every where.
I had met many music inclined people, Ng Shyh Poh, Aaron, Tyler, Johan, Tracy, Suk Yin, Wen Chin, Regina, Prof. Andre, Branko Stark, Jonathan Valaesco, Mr Ian, Ms Sonya AND MANY MANY MORE.
I had been learning music from friends I met in MCE like Andrew, Darrel, Sarah etc. I had learned so many skills like leadership skills, sight singing, solo singing, conducting etc. I would like to say a huge thank you to you all that showed me the choral music world.
Thank you to my awesome seniors in choir who had taught me so much for so many years. Thank you to my beloved juniors who let me spread the knowledge of choral singing to you. Love you all!
I remember during the first practice that Saturday, we were warming up our voices. Then, we were introduce to or coach, Ms Susanna Saw. The older members left to practice outside. One by one, us newbies were given a voice test. Nearly everyone there were put to soprano, I on the other hand was put to alto which I never regretted til this day. From the first day itself, I had learned that, sectionals are boring but essential to a song. I remember the first half of my first year in choir, I had problems learning my alto part of any songs given. I would always get distracted and went on singing the soprano part all the way. Another problem was that, I sang using throat voice all the way. I couldn't change my voice to head voice. From choir, head voice is good, throat voice is bad, that was what I had learned. I also remember that the choir had an audition for the up coming competitions. Sadly, I didn't got in. But, I learned the criteria to be in the team, expression, and good technique.
Actually, I wanted to quit after the first year ended, but, one thing kept me going for 5 years. In around the middle of the year, a choral event prevented me from quiting. I went and joined the young singers choral festival, currently known as Malaysian Choral Eisteddfod. There, I had changed my whole prospective about choirs. That year, I had learned how to dance many Sarawak dances together with their songs. Also with folk songs and various other genres. I was so happy then that I promised myself to go annually.
After choral fest, I changed my ways in choir. I tried relearning all the songs for my part. During the second half of the year, there was another audition for a state competition. I went and try out for it and I got into the team thanks to Pn Loh for giving me the opportunity. We practice under Ms Susanna and Mr Ng Jin Keat for many many weeks from morning til evening, skipping many days of school. But, it was worth it. We had gotten 2nd, behind SMK Kepong. Since then, I fell in love with performing.
In the second year and til my senior year, I had been in the school team and also had been leading the altos. I was given the opportunity to learn from friends every where.
I had met many music inclined people, Ng Shyh Poh, Aaron, Tyler, Johan, Tracy, Suk Yin, Wen Chin, Regina, Prof. Andre, Branko Stark, Jonathan Valaesco, Mr Ian, Ms Sonya AND MANY MANY MORE.
I had been learning music from friends I met in MCE like Andrew, Darrel, Sarah etc. I had learned so many skills like leadership skills, sight singing, solo singing, conducting etc. I would like to say a huge thank you to you all that showed me the choral music world.
Thank you to my awesome seniors in choir who had taught me so much for so many years. Thank you to my beloved juniors who let me spread the knowledge of choral singing to you. Love you all!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The one man who will listen
The one man who will listen
I remember there was a point in my life whereby I was very down, my so-called friends didn’t gave two hoots about me, my boyfriend dumped me, my parents ignored me. I did many bad things in life, that why I am where I am now. I was at the lowest point of my life and yet, nobody was willing to help me. I remember sitting down on a bench late one evening, sulking. Suddenly, a man sat down beside me, and talked to me. “Child, why do you look so down?” he asked. “I am just very down in the dumps; no one is helping me or supporting me…” I replied with a sad sigh. He shook his head, “No…that can’t be true, you just have to tell someone about your problems, I’m sure there would be one person who will…” This time, it was my turn to shake my head,
“No, it’s impossible…” The man placed his hand onto my shoulder,
“All things are possible…”
I continued to shake my head,
“I’m too tired…”
He replied,
“I will give you rest…”
Our conversation continued on somewhat like this,
“Nobody loves me…”
“I love you…”
“I can’t go on…”
“My grace is sufficient…”
“I can’t figure things out…”
“I will direct your steps…”
“I can’t do it!”
“You can do all things…”
“I am not able!”
“I am able…”
“It’s not worth it…”
“It will be worth it…”
“I can’t forgive myself…”
“I forgive you…”
“I’m poor…”
“I will supply your needs…”
“I’m afraid…”
“I have not given you a spirit of fear…”
“I’m always worried and frustrated…”
“Cast all your cares on me…”
“I don’t have enough faith…”
“I’ve given you a measure of faith…”
“I’m not smart enough…”
“I give you wisdom…”
“I feel alone…”
“I will never leave you nor forsake you…”
“How do you know I will be alright?” I asked the man. “Because, I know so…have faith, child…” he replied. “There will be one man out there who will listen to you every time you have problems…” he said. I looked up to the man and asked, “Who?” The man stood up and lifted up both of his palms in front of me. I saw two punctured wounds on both of his hands. I sat there dumbfounded; I looked up to the man, wide-eyed. “It will be I, Jesus…” And with a blink of an eye, the man disappeared.
I remember there was a point in my life whereby I was very down, my so-called friends didn’t gave two hoots about me, my boyfriend dumped me, my parents ignored me. I did many bad things in life, that why I am where I am now. I was at the lowest point of my life and yet, nobody was willing to help me. I remember sitting down on a bench late one evening, sulking. Suddenly, a man sat down beside me, and talked to me. “Child, why do you look so down?” he asked. “I am just very down in the dumps; no one is helping me or supporting me…” I replied with a sad sigh. He shook his head, “No…that can’t be true, you just have to tell someone about your problems, I’m sure there would be one person who will…” This time, it was my turn to shake my head,
“No, it’s impossible…” The man placed his hand onto my shoulder,
“All things are possible…”
I continued to shake my head,
“I’m too tired…”
He replied,
“I will give you rest…”
Our conversation continued on somewhat like this,
“Nobody loves me…”
“I love you…”
“I can’t go on…”
“My grace is sufficient…”
“I can’t figure things out…”
“I will direct your steps…”
“I can’t do it!”
“You can do all things…”
“I am not able!”
“I am able…”
“It’s not worth it…”
“It will be worth it…”
“I can’t forgive myself…”
“I forgive you…”
“I’m poor…”
“I will supply your needs…”
“I’m afraid…”
“I have not given you a spirit of fear…”
“I’m always worried and frustrated…”
“Cast all your cares on me…”
“I don’t have enough faith…”
“I’ve given you a measure of faith…”
“I’m not smart enough…”
“I give you wisdom…”
“I feel alone…”
“I will never leave you nor forsake you…”
“How do you know I will be alright?” I asked the man. “Because, I know so…have faith, child…” he replied. “There will be one man out there who will listen to you every time you have problems…” he said. I looked up to the man and asked, “Who?” The man stood up and lifted up both of his palms in front of me. I saw two punctured wounds on both of his hands. I sat there dumbfounded; I looked up to the man, wide-eyed. “It will be I, Jesus…” And with a blink of an eye, the man disappeared.
Valentine's Day
Walking around town with the color pink draped every where; it was that time of year again. Even a four year old would know what day it was. Even so, I didn’t want my mind to know what day it was. This year it wasn’t the same as the last three years. I tried my best to not see the pink frills, balloons, candies and teddy bears around me, and walked towards the national library where I thought that no one would be present there on that particular day.
On my way to the library, I saw many couples cling onto each other with teddy bears, candy boxes or just a stalk of rose in their hand. I tried my best to ignore whatever I saw and continued on to the library. When I stepped into the library, I showed my student ID to the lady at the counter and made my way to the bookshelves. I picked a book and made my way to the table at the far corner of the room. I placed my bag beside me, pulled up my hoodie, and popped in my headphones and started reading the book.
Not long after that, something else caught my attention. At the other corner of the room, a guy and a girl sat together at a very close distance. Soon, I was peeking at them. I assumed both of them were together and that they were to be doing a project, which ended up whispering into each others’ ears. The guy whispered something into the girl’s ears and playfully kissed her on the cheek.
I didn’t watched what happened after that. My heart felt like it went ten feet down the grave. Tears suddenly appeared. Silent sobs were there as I sniffed. I suddenly felt very alone. I pulled my hoodie lower so that no one could see the tears. I didn’t even bother to put the book back. I stood up, grabbed my bag and left the room.
I didn’t know whether to go at that moment. Then, I decided to just go to the one place where I always felt safe, secured. The park was empty, not one soul was there. I went over to the same spot I would always go and sat down there on the soft grass under the huge oak tree. I took out my headphones but my hoodie remained. Traces of the tears wear still there but had dried up. I decided to close my eyes and try to just forget everything I had then in my head, but not for long.
Soon, memories of the past came. I saw his face, the jet black hair, the dark eyes, and the warm smile. The same goofy smile that always makes me smile too. I remember the time when he brought me here on the very same day two years ago, to watch the mesmerizing sunset. I leaned into his embrace while we just sat there, watching how the dark blue replaced the warm orange hues. I missed how he would stroke my hair, whispering into my ear, saying that he loves me. I missed those precious times which I never knew it would eventually come into an end. Suddenly, I caught myself crying again, this time with audible sobs. I dried the tears, waiting for the sunset again.
The bright yellow rays turned to warm mesmerizing hues of orange, and to dark red. Soon, the dark blue had taken its place. It seemed like it was exactly two years ago. I could actually feel his presence here then. But I knew it wasn’t true. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. I took it out and saw a very familiar number on the caller ID. My heart started racing. Could it be him? I quickly clicked the green button and put it beside my ear. “Hello?” I said into the speaker. The warm familiar sound which I had missed so much answered my question. “Happy Valentine’s day, bunny-head…” I gave a small chuckle and a sniffed. I felt that my eyes were wet once again. I missed him so much.
On my way to the library, I saw many couples cling onto each other with teddy bears, candy boxes or just a stalk of rose in their hand. I tried my best to ignore whatever I saw and continued on to the library. When I stepped into the library, I showed my student ID to the lady at the counter and made my way to the bookshelves. I picked a book and made my way to the table at the far corner of the room. I placed my bag beside me, pulled up my hoodie, and popped in my headphones and started reading the book.
Not long after that, something else caught my attention. At the other corner of the room, a guy and a girl sat together at a very close distance. Soon, I was peeking at them. I assumed both of them were together and that they were to be doing a project, which ended up whispering into each others’ ears. The guy whispered something into the girl’s ears and playfully kissed her on the cheek.
I didn’t watched what happened after that. My heart felt like it went ten feet down the grave. Tears suddenly appeared. Silent sobs were there as I sniffed. I suddenly felt very alone. I pulled my hoodie lower so that no one could see the tears. I didn’t even bother to put the book back. I stood up, grabbed my bag and left the room.
I didn’t know whether to go at that moment. Then, I decided to just go to the one place where I always felt safe, secured. The park was empty, not one soul was there. I went over to the same spot I would always go and sat down there on the soft grass under the huge oak tree. I took out my headphones but my hoodie remained. Traces of the tears wear still there but had dried up. I decided to close my eyes and try to just forget everything I had then in my head, but not for long.
Soon, memories of the past came. I saw his face, the jet black hair, the dark eyes, and the warm smile. The same goofy smile that always makes me smile too. I remember the time when he brought me here on the very same day two years ago, to watch the mesmerizing sunset. I leaned into his embrace while we just sat there, watching how the dark blue replaced the warm orange hues. I missed how he would stroke my hair, whispering into my ear, saying that he loves me. I missed those precious times which I never knew it would eventually come into an end. Suddenly, I caught myself crying again, this time with audible sobs. I dried the tears, waiting for the sunset again.
The bright yellow rays turned to warm mesmerizing hues of orange, and to dark red. Soon, the dark blue had taken its place. It seemed like it was exactly two years ago. I could actually feel his presence here then. But I knew it wasn’t true. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. I took it out and saw a very familiar number on the caller ID. My heart started racing. Could it be him? I quickly clicked the green button and put it beside my ear. “Hello?” I said into the speaker. The warm familiar sound which I had missed so much answered my question. “Happy Valentine’s day, bunny-head…” I gave a small chuckle and a sniffed. I felt that my eyes were wet once again. I missed him so much.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
A random Impromptu stuff, no biggie
Being in love is a good thing, yes, but at times, you do have to keep your feet firm on the ground. If not, you may lose your footing and slip off. God forbids. But then again, love is a nice and good feeling yet, one broken, it is hard to make amends. To forget someone special, you need to find someone special. Some may choose to find another boyfriend-slash-girlfriend to be that special someone again. But, why not give God a chance. Remember,
he said he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Love is sweet,
Love is innocent,
Love is blind,
Yet, don't be blinded by it too much,
Especially not from God,
As he is the greatest love of all.
Just remember,
God loves you,
Forwho you are.
Mabel. J. Soong
*dont kill me if it suck, very impromotu-onthespot writings. :-)
he said he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Love is sweet,
Love is innocent,
Love is blind,
Yet, don't be blinded by it too much,
Especially not from God,
As he is the greatest love of all.
Just remember,
God loves you,
Forwho you are.
Mabel. J. Soong
*dont kill me if it suck, very impromotu-onthespot writings. :-)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Language of Love
The Language of Love
Do you believe there is a language called love? Well, I never knew there was one, until I experienced it first hand, by myself.
I was still at campus when I found the most miraculous feeling ever. It was the time when I first met Ariel Cho. She was a beautiful American born Asian. She had a mixed parentage of Korean and Spanish. She has big, dark eyes. I on the other hand, was a pure Korean guy, but had been living in America for the whole of my life. Basically, we are both from the Asian culture. I remembered oh-so-clearly the day I first saw her.
I was walking around the campus compound, finding a decent place to study. I found a bench half occupied by another human being; a girl with her grey hoodie up, covering her flowing dark hair. She was doing her own work, busy writing her assignment, didn’t know I was standing next to her. I decided to ask her whether was the side of the bench was empty. “Hey, is this seat taken?” I asked. But there was no reply. So, I decided to tap on her shoulder. The girl turned to me. That was the first time I saw her eyes, those beautiful dark brown eyes. “I…erm, is this seat taken?” I stuttered, indicating the empty seat. Why am I so nervous out of the sudden? She gave the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and nodded. I smiled back at her and took a seat beside her, leaving a very huge gap in between the both of us.
She continued writing her notes. I wanted to continue my own work, but, my eyes kept wandering towards her. Her headphones popped into her ears. Soon, I did not bother doing my own work, and kept stealing glances from the corner of my eyes to look at her. But unfortunately, she did not notice it. So, I observed her while she studied. Soon, I noticed those little things about her that somehow attracted me. Like, how she would chew on the end of her pencil when she was frustrated. I wanted to strike a conversation with her, but I didn’t know how. Soon, I decided a way. “Hey, can I borrow a pen?” I asked. But again, she didn’t look up. So, I tapped on her shoulder, and asked again, showing through hand signs. She smiled and took out a pen for me. Before she could turn her gaze back to her book, I asked her another question, along with some easy hand signs. “What are you listening to?” pointing to her headphones. She pointed to her headphones, and put her index finger on her lips which I thought it indicates it’s a secret. I took out my general notebook and scribbled:
Is it a secret?
and showed it to her. She smiled and took the notebook out of my hands and scribbled something beneath my writing:
Yeap. It’s something very personal to me. =)
She returned me the book. I scribbled something else:
Oh, I see. By the way, I’m Paul Chang. What’s your name?
She took the notebook and scribbled her name:
My name’s Ariel, Ariel Cho
I stared at her writing, I stared at her name. Her name imprinted onto my mind, sticking like glue. ‘Ariel…’ I said in a very low and soft voice, very close to a whisper. I continued to scribble something on the notebook:
Can I have your phone number? I really want to meet you again. =)
She read whatever I had written and gave me a sad smile. She had written something in reply. She held up the notebook for me to read:
Sorry. I don’t have a phone let alone a phone number to give.
“Oh…” was all I had replied. After I had read it, Ariel started writing again. When she was done, she gave me back my notebook. I read what she had written:
But, we could meet back here again tomorrow. =)
I gave a laugh when I read that and turned my glance to her. She gave me a sweet smile in return. “Promise?” I asked. She gave a nod. Then, we both heard the bell rang. Quickly, we both grabbed our stuff and flee to the inner building of the campus.
The next day, I brought my sticky post-it stack to use instead of writing on my notebook. When I reached to the place we had promised to meet, Ariel was already there. I sat down beside her, this time; the gap between us was smaller. I waved at her. She gave a shy smile and continued to read her book. I took my pen and wrote on a piece of the post-it paper and stick it on her book:
Am I late?
She smiled and shook her head. I gave her the post-it stack and a pen. This was her reply:
Of course not, I’m just early. =)
For the whole time there, we had our conversation like this, through writing. Through this, I fell for her. I fell head over heels for her. I love her smile, her eyes, and especially that little twinkle in her eye. I noticed very minor things of her. She had this small freckle beneath her right eye, she would be wearing her iPod headphones all the time, and that she never spoken out loud before, well, maybe to me. But still, talking to her, but in this case, ‘writing’ to her makes me feel happy. Through the post-it papers and a pen, we talked about everything under the sun; music, studies, movies, teachers, fashion and all sort of other things. We continued like this for nearly 3 weeks already. We promised to meet back at the same place and same time. Every time we met, the gap between us when we sat became smaller and smaller until suddenly, no more.
After bringing my yellow post-it stack, she decided to bring hers too, only hers are purple. I remembered the time we wrote so many things and stick it on each of our notebooks. Soon, both of our notebooks were filled with yellow and purple post-its. Soon, we found another way to entertain ourselves. We wrote like so many post-its and stick those onto our shoulder, face, hands, shirts and so on so forth. We really had fun then. Sometimes, she would just lie on my shoulder while both of us write on the post-its and stick it anywhere we wanted. I really loved those times.
One day, I got curious again. I wanted to know what she was always listening to in her iPod. So, I wrote it on my post-it:
Hey, what are you listening on your iPod?
I took the paper and stick it onto her notebook. She pointed to her headphones and gave me a knowing look. I nodded in reply. I thought she was going to not let me hear it. But to my surprise, she took both her headphones off and gave it to me. I accepted her headphones and put both into my ears. I waited for a song to come up, but heard nothing. I took both of them out again and gave a quizzical look. “But, there’s nothing?” I said and I looked up at her. Again, she gave me this sad smile and showed me sign language which I did not understand. She took her post-it and written something on it. She took the paper and stuck it onto my palm. This was what it read:
I am deaf and dumb. I could not hear anything or speak anything since the day I was born. I’m sorry for not telling you this sooner. It’s not because of anything. It’s just that, I have no other friends. You are my first friend. In this short time, I had grown to love you.
I was stunned at first but then, I thought it does not matter whether she could talk or not. All it matters is that, I had grown to love her, and now, I knew that she does have feelings for me, too. I took my post-it and written something on top. I decided to push my luck more and kissed her cheek. I stuck the post-it paper onto her notebook. It read:
You’re still beautiful…
*Credits to a video from YouTube, Jubilee Project-The Language of Love*
© Mabel Soong
Do you believe there is a language called love? Well, I never knew there was one, until I experienced it first hand, by myself.
I was still at campus when I found the most miraculous feeling ever. It was the time when I first met Ariel Cho. She was a beautiful American born Asian. She had a mixed parentage of Korean and Spanish. She has big, dark eyes. I on the other hand, was a pure Korean guy, but had been living in America for the whole of my life. Basically, we are both from the Asian culture. I remembered oh-so-clearly the day I first saw her.
I was walking around the campus compound, finding a decent place to study. I found a bench half occupied by another human being; a girl with her grey hoodie up, covering her flowing dark hair. She was doing her own work, busy writing her assignment, didn’t know I was standing next to her. I decided to ask her whether was the side of the bench was empty. “Hey, is this seat taken?” I asked. But there was no reply. So, I decided to tap on her shoulder. The girl turned to me. That was the first time I saw her eyes, those beautiful dark brown eyes. “I…erm, is this seat taken?” I stuttered, indicating the empty seat. Why am I so nervous out of the sudden? She gave the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and nodded. I smiled back at her and took a seat beside her, leaving a very huge gap in between the both of us.
She continued writing her notes. I wanted to continue my own work, but, my eyes kept wandering towards her. Her headphones popped into her ears. Soon, I did not bother doing my own work, and kept stealing glances from the corner of my eyes to look at her. But unfortunately, she did not notice it. So, I observed her while she studied. Soon, I noticed those little things about her that somehow attracted me. Like, how she would chew on the end of her pencil when she was frustrated. I wanted to strike a conversation with her, but I didn’t know how. Soon, I decided a way. “Hey, can I borrow a pen?” I asked. But again, she didn’t look up. So, I tapped on her shoulder, and asked again, showing through hand signs. She smiled and took out a pen for me. Before she could turn her gaze back to her book, I asked her another question, along with some easy hand signs. “What are you listening to?” pointing to her headphones. She pointed to her headphones, and put her index finger on her lips which I thought it indicates it’s a secret. I took out my general notebook and scribbled:
Is it a secret?
and showed it to her. She smiled and took the notebook out of my hands and scribbled something beneath my writing:
Yeap. It’s something very personal to me. =)
She returned me the book. I scribbled something else:
Oh, I see. By the way, I’m Paul Chang. What’s your name?
She took the notebook and scribbled her name:
My name’s Ariel, Ariel Cho
I stared at her writing, I stared at her name. Her name imprinted onto my mind, sticking like glue. ‘Ariel…’ I said in a very low and soft voice, very close to a whisper. I continued to scribble something on the notebook:
Can I have your phone number? I really want to meet you again. =)
She read whatever I had written and gave me a sad smile. She had written something in reply. She held up the notebook for me to read:
Sorry. I don’t have a phone let alone a phone number to give.
“Oh…” was all I had replied. After I had read it, Ariel started writing again. When she was done, she gave me back my notebook. I read what she had written:
But, we could meet back here again tomorrow. =)
I gave a laugh when I read that and turned my glance to her. She gave me a sweet smile in return. “Promise?” I asked. She gave a nod. Then, we both heard the bell rang. Quickly, we both grabbed our stuff and flee to the inner building of the campus.
The next day, I brought my sticky post-it stack to use instead of writing on my notebook. When I reached to the place we had promised to meet, Ariel was already there. I sat down beside her, this time; the gap between us was smaller. I waved at her. She gave a shy smile and continued to read her book. I took my pen and wrote on a piece of the post-it paper and stick it on her book:
Am I late?
She smiled and shook her head. I gave her the post-it stack and a pen. This was her reply:
Of course not, I’m just early. =)
For the whole time there, we had our conversation like this, through writing. Through this, I fell for her. I fell head over heels for her. I love her smile, her eyes, and especially that little twinkle in her eye. I noticed very minor things of her. She had this small freckle beneath her right eye, she would be wearing her iPod headphones all the time, and that she never spoken out loud before, well, maybe to me. But still, talking to her, but in this case, ‘writing’ to her makes me feel happy. Through the post-it papers and a pen, we talked about everything under the sun; music, studies, movies, teachers, fashion and all sort of other things. We continued like this for nearly 3 weeks already. We promised to meet back at the same place and same time. Every time we met, the gap between us when we sat became smaller and smaller until suddenly, no more.
After bringing my yellow post-it stack, she decided to bring hers too, only hers are purple. I remembered the time we wrote so many things and stick it on each of our notebooks. Soon, both of our notebooks were filled with yellow and purple post-its. Soon, we found another way to entertain ourselves. We wrote like so many post-its and stick those onto our shoulder, face, hands, shirts and so on so forth. We really had fun then. Sometimes, she would just lie on my shoulder while both of us write on the post-its and stick it anywhere we wanted. I really loved those times.
One day, I got curious again. I wanted to know what she was always listening to in her iPod. So, I wrote it on my post-it:
Hey, what are you listening on your iPod?
I took the paper and stick it onto her notebook. She pointed to her headphones and gave me a knowing look. I nodded in reply. I thought she was going to not let me hear it. But to my surprise, she took both her headphones off and gave it to me. I accepted her headphones and put both into my ears. I waited for a song to come up, but heard nothing. I took both of them out again and gave a quizzical look. “But, there’s nothing?” I said and I looked up at her. Again, she gave me this sad smile and showed me sign language which I did not understand. She took her post-it and written something on it. She took the paper and stuck it onto my palm. This was what it read:
I am deaf and dumb. I could not hear anything or speak anything since the day I was born. I’m sorry for not telling you this sooner. It’s not because of anything. It’s just that, I have no other friends. You are my first friend. In this short time, I had grown to love you.
I was stunned at first but then, I thought it does not matter whether she could talk or not. All it matters is that, I had grown to love her, and now, I knew that she does have feelings for me, too. I took my post-it and written something on top. I decided to push my luck more and kissed her cheek. I stuck the post-it paper onto her notebook. It read:
You’re still beautiful…
*Credits to a video from YouTube, Jubilee Project-The Language of Love*
© Mabel Soong
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
30 days
This is something my idiotic friend had asked me to do for the time being...so, I'm gonna try and do it. Don't expect it to be published on a daily basis, I have a life you know...
“Here is the 30 day letter challenge for Tumblr, you are supposed to write a letter to several different people”
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror”
“Here is the 30 day letter challenge for Tumblr, you are supposed to write a letter to several different people”
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror”
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Of Cappuccino and Whiskey and Tears
A story which I plan to put it up for the school mag, enjoy~~~
Of Cappuccino and Whiskey and Tears
Raindrops splashing on the grey pavement as my hand stirred the hot cappuccino in the cup. The beautiful aroma of caffeine hit my nose. I let my mind wander off to my fantasy land where everything was perfect. As I stare into space at the wet scene outside the window, my thoughts kept drifting away. A small fraction of people were out there in the rain with raincoats and umbrellas in hand, rushing to wherever they are needed. The street looked deserted. Someone was calling me. My physical body was present, but not my soul. My soul was wandering elsewhere. At the sound of my name, I was struck back into reality, very far away from my perfect fantasy world.
“Serena…don’t you have anything to say?” I gave an audible sigh as I turned my glance to the person who had called me. “No.” I replied with a tone of annoyance. “Were you even listening to whatever I was saying just now?” Sam asked in a desperate tone. I rolled my eyes. “No…not like I need to, anyway…” Sam stared at me with disbelief. “What? Aren’t you concerned about it?” This annoyed me much more. “I don’t want you to refer to our relationship as ‘it’…as if you give a damn about it…I find it rather insulting” I replied. “But I do…I do care about it very much…” he replied in a desperate tone. I rolled my eyes once again and paid no attention to whatever he wanted to say.
“Serena... I really don’t wanna end it this way…can’t we have a talk about it?” he said. This time, it was my turn to look at him in disbelief, “You are the one who wanted to end this, not me. YOU are the want who want to talk about it. And clearly, I don’t want to talk about this. It’s over. So what is the need to talk about this?” I asked. Sam looked more desperate. “I just want to talk things through. I really do love you…before. But…when Michelle came back…I…I just don’t know what to do…” I went quiet, staring at the whirlpool I had made with my cappuccino. I drank a mouthful and sat the cup down. The bitter milky sensation soothed the pain in me. “Michelle always treats you like shit, why are you still after her?” I asked.
Now, there was a lady carrying so many bags of shopping on both arms while trying to carry her umbrella and holding onto her daughter who was trying to let go of her mother’s protective grip on her wrist. I felt like that little girl, just wanting to get out of someone’s grip. “I don’t know…I really don’t…” I heard him said. “Why is it that you still love that witch? She treats you like you are invisible and yet, you still want her? Why is it do you crave for mistreatment?” I continued. “She comes into town, and turns you inside out, screws everything you have in life and just dumps you. It’s that what you want?” I said. He gave me a sad nod in reply. “Ha, maybe, you should go back to your psychiatrist to change your medication...again.” Sam looked hurt after I said that comment but I didn’t care. “Why are you saying all this?” he asked. He looked very miserable. “I’m just treating you like how Michelle did…”
When I said that, he went all quiet. “You see, you don’t even deny about Michelle…” I pointed out. He let out a sigh, “I guess I have nothing to deny….” I was stunned by his last sentence. Even though I knew he had a thing for Michelle, but it still hurts when you hear the truth from his mouth. I felt a stinging sensation in my eyes. I willed myself not to cry in front of him. I took a deep breath. “Do you have anything else to say?” I asked, adding a tinge of annoyance in my tone for my benefit. “That’s it? Didn’t it, I mean, our relationship mean anything to you?” He asked. I started to stir my cappuccino again, making huge swirls in the middle of the cup. “It meant more to me than it is to you…” I was soon to have a migraine from all the ‘it’s. “That’s not true…” I looked straight into his eyes, his brown eyes that mirrored such distinct misery. “You are the one walking out on this…” “I can’t believe you are giving all up without a fight…” he said, with a tinge of doubt. “Why not? You are.” I stare at him, he felt a little uncomfortable. “But, it’s not that easy for me…”
I gave him a matter-of-fact glance, “Then, why are you even doing it?” He didn’t response, but just stared at me. I continued on, “Or is it that you are doing this, to make it even? Are you taking it out on me when Emily and Joanne left you? Or was it Joanne and Emily? Leaving me makes it fair, then?” That really hit Sam hard and I could see it. The corner of his right eye was twitching. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead even though he was in an air-conditioned room. There was an awkward silence in between us. “You’re being spiteful…” he said after he found his voice. “I guess I do have something to say after all.”
Sam let out a long sigh. I felt like a piece of his soul went along with that breath when he sighed, as if he still had any soul left in him. “I really wanted us to stay as friends…” he said with sincerity in his voice. He wanted to touch my hand across the table but I retrieve it before I made any contact with him. With all the venomous sarcasms I had in me, I replied, “Don’t patronize me.” I glare at him with as much coldness I could muster. He let out another deep sigh and stood up. Sam gave me a look of wounded sadness. He tossed a few notes of cash on the table. Went and retrieve his coat on the coat rake and went out, walking down towards Berner’s Street.
I watched him walked until I could not see a glimpse of him left. I signaled to the waiter at the café. He walked over. He looked exceptionally young, maybe an undergraduate, with a pair of deep penetrating blue eyes. How many times had he witnessed couples fighting and eventually breaking up? Would he tell the truth if I had asked?
“I would like another cappuccino please.” I said as my finger lingered on the edge of the teacup which was now half full with the caffeine. “And a whiskey too…” I continued. “No problem.” He gave a sweet smile. I tried to smile back, but I couldn’t. A lump was formed in my throat which I tried to swallow it. I drained the remains of the cold caffeine in my cup. The cappuccino was enough to let me be in control of my unsteady emotions and the whiskey was enough to anesthetize the wound in my heart until I reach home.
The tears would soon to come. The feeling of being worthless and wanting to die would soon to follow. And soon, anger would come like clean air after a storm. And I would be alright again. It was just a matter of time.
Soon, my order came. I drained my whiskey in a gulp. The hot sensation lingered in my throat. I stirred the hot cappuccino. As I stirred, a tear fell into the whirlpool of my own creation.
Mabel Soong ©
Of Cappuccino and Whiskey and Tears
Raindrops splashing on the grey pavement as my hand stirred the hot cappuccino in the cup. The beautiful aroma of caffeine hit my nose. I let my mind wander off to my fantasy land where everything was perfect. As I stare into space at the wet scene outside the window, my thoughts kept drifting away. A small fraction of people were out there in the rain with raincoats and umbrellas in hand, rushing to wherever they are needed. The street looked deserted. Someone was calling me. My physical body was present, but not my soul. My soul was wandering elsewhere. At the sound of my name, I was struck back into reality, very far away from my perfect fantasy world.
“Serena…don’t you have anything to say?” I gave an audible sigh as I turned my glance to the person who had called me. “No.” I replied with a tone of annoyance. “Were you even listening to whatever I was saying just now?” Sam asked in a desperate tone. I rolled my eyes. “No…not like I need to, anyway…” Sam stared at me with disbelief. “What? Aren’t you concerned about it?” This annoyed me much more. “I don’t want you to refer to our relationship as ‘it’…as if you give a damn about it…I find it rather insulting” I replied. “But I do…I do care about it very much…” he replied in a desperate tone. I rolled my eyes once again and paid no attention to whatever he wanted to say.
“Serena... I really don’t wanna end it this way…can’t we have a talk about it?” he said. This time, it was my turn to look at him in disbelief, “You are the one who wanted to end this, not me. YOU are the want who want to talk about it. And clearly, I don’t want to talk about this. It’s over. So what is the need to talk about this?” I asked. Sam looked more desperate. “I just want to talk things through. I really do love you…before. But…when Michelle came back…I…I just don’t know what to do…” I went quiet, staring at the whirlpool I had made with my cappuccino. I drank a mouthful and sat the cup down. The bitter milky sensation soothed the pain in me. “Michelle always treats you like shit, why are you still after her?” I asked.
Now, there was a lady carrying so many bags of shopping on both arms while trying to carry her umbrella and holding onto her daughter who was trying to let go of her mother’s protective grip on her wrist. I felt like that little girl, just wanting to get out of someone’s grip. “I don’t know…I really don’t…” I heard him said. “Why is it that you still love that witch? She treats you like you are invisible and yet, you still want her? Why is it do you crave for mistreatment?” I continued. “She comes into town, and turns you inside out, screws everything you have in life and just dumps you. It’s that what you want?” I said. He gave me a sad nod in reply. “Ha, maybe, you should go back to your psychiatrist to change your medication...again.” Sam looked hurt after I said that comment but I didn’t care. “Why are you saying all this?” he asked. He looked very miserable. “I’m just treating you like how Michelle did…”
When I said that, he went all quiet. “You see, you don’t even deny about Michelle…” I pointed out. He let out a sigh, “I guess I have nothing to deny….” I was stunned by his last sentence. Even though I knew he had a thing for Michelle, but it still hurts when you hear the truth from his mouth. I felt a stinging sensation in my eyes. I willed myself not to cry in front of him. I took a deep breath. “Do you have anything else to say?” I asked, adding a tinge of annoyance in my tone for my benefit. “That’s it? Didn’t it, I mean, our relationship mean anything to you?” He asked. I started to stir my cappuccino again, making huge swirls in the middle of the cup. “It meant more to me than it is to you…” I was soon to have a migraine from all the ‘it’s. “That’s not true…” I looked straight into his eyes, his brown eyes that mirrored such distinct misery. “You are the one walking out on this…” “I can’t believe you are giving all up without a fight…” he said, with a tinge of doubt. “Why not? You are.” I stare at him, he felt a little uncomfortable. “But, it’s not that easy for me…”
I gave him a matter-of-fact glance, “Then, why are you even doing it?” He didn’t response, but just stared at me. I continued on, “Or is it that you are doing this, to make it even? Are you taking it out on me when Emily and Joanne left you? Or was it Joanne and Emily? Leaving me makes it fair, then?” That really hit Sam hard and I could see it. The corner of his right eye was twitching. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead even though he was in an air-conditioned room. There was an awkward silence in between us. “You’re being spiteful…” he said after he found his voice. “I guess I do have something to say after all.”
Sam let out a long sigh. I felt like a piece of his soul went along with that breath when he sighed, as if he still had any soul left in him. “I really wanted us to stay as friends…” he said with sincerity in his voice. He wanted to touch my hand across the table but I retrieve it before I made any contact with him. With all the venomous sarcasms I had in me, I replied, “Don’t patronize me.” I glare at him with as much coldness I could muster. He let out another deep sigh and stood up. Sam gave me a look of wounded sadness. He tossed a few notes of cash on the table. Went and retrieve his coat on the coat rake and went out, walking down towards Berner’s Street.
I watched him walked until I could not see a glimpse of him left. I signaled to the waiter at the café. He walked over. He looked exceptionally young, maybe an undergraduate, with a pair of deep penetrating blue eyes. How many times had he witnessed couples fighting and eventually breaking up? Would he tell the truth if I had asked?
“I would like another cappuccino please.” I said as my finger lingered on the edge of the teacup which was now half full with the caffeine. “And a whiskey too…” I continued. “No problem.” He gave a sweet smile. I tried to smile back, but I couldn’t. A lump was formed in my throat which I tried to swallow it. I drained the remains of the cold caffeine in my cup. The cappuccino was enough to let me be in control of my unsteady emotions and the whiskey was enough to anesthetize the wound in my heart until I reach home.
The tears would soon to come. The feeling of being worthless and wanting to die would soon to follow. And soon, anger would come like clean air after a storm. And I would be alright again. It was just a matter of time.
Soon, my order came. I drained my whiskey in a gulp. The hot sensation lingered in my throat. I stirred the hot cappuccino. As I stirred, a tear fell into the whirlpool of my own creation.
Mabel Soong ©
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Cross
A dream had been constantly coming up for the past few weeks...
I was in a doorless, windowless white room. I felt everything in me was failing, my senses, my consciousness, my sight, my hearing, everything. Suddenly, I saw a hand out-stretch in front of me. The hand had a hole punctured in the middle of the palm. Suddenly, a warmth feeling swept past me. 'I know that hand, I've seen it before...' I thought. I stretch my arm out and the hand held mine and suddenly, I was unconsious. The next moment when I was awake, I felt pain all over me. I felt 2 kinds of pain to be exact. A physical pain and emotional pain. I didn't know where was I... Soon, My senses came back slowly. Only then I figured out where was I. I was looking through the eyes of the Lord. I felt the excruciating pain from the nails and the thorns that was punctured into the Lord's flesh. It was a pain you couldn't have imagine... But, the mental pain was worst, thousand times worst. It was a suffocating pain. Yet, the Lord could manage the pain for so many hours... The mental pain was bad, many images flashed in front of my eyes, images of abortion, sexual pleasures, murder, death, abuse etc etc.... It was bad. For many nights I had been seeing this so often...but there was no reason behind it... I became physically weak as I didn't have enough sleep... Until one night, the sequence changed.
I was in a room, the same room I had always been. But this time, the Lord showed himself to me. Suddenly, my emotions got the better of me and I broke down. He walked towards me and comforted me. "I wanted you to tell the world how the My Father's love for all of you is felt when I AM on the cross." Somehow, the Lord knew that his vision was bothering me, but he also knew how to calm me down. Yes, this is what I had experience the last month. Whether or not is true to you, is all up to you. I had finished my promised to the Lord for telling everyone I could. Amen.
I was in a doorless, windowless white room. I felt everything in me was failing, my senses, my consciousness, my sight, my hearing, everything. Suddenly, I saw a hand out-stretch in front of me. The hand had a hole punctured in the middle of the palm. Suddenly, a warmth feeling swept past me. 'I know that hand, I've seen it before...' I thought. I stretch my arm out and the hand held mine and suddenly, I was unconsious. The next moment when I was awake, I felt pain all over me. I felt 2 kinds of pain to be exact. A physical pain and emotional pain. I didn't know where was I... Soon, My senses came back slowly. Only then I figured out where was I. I was looking through the eyes of the Lord. I felt the excruciating pain from the nails and the thorns that was punctured into the Lord's flesh. It was a pain you couldn't have imagine... But, the mental pain was worst, thousand times worst. It was a suffocating pain. Yet, the Lord could manage the pain for so many hours... The mental pain was bad, many images flashed in front of my eyes, images of abortion, sexual pleasures, murder, death, abuse etc etc.... It was bad. For many nights I had been seeing this so often...but there was no reason behind it... I became physically weak as I didn't have enough sleep... Until one night, the sequence changed.
I was in a room, the same room I had always been. But this time, the Lord showed himself to me. Suddenly, my emotions got the better of me and I broke down. He walked towards me and comforted me. "I wanted you to tell the world how the My Father's love for all of you is felt when I AM on the cross." Somehow, the Lord knew that his vision was bothering me, but he also knew how to calm me down. Yes, this is what I had experience the last month. Whether or not is true to you, is all up to you. I had finished my promised to the Lord for telling everyone I could. Amen.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Love
Love everyone even your enemies and God as much as how you love yourself, and everything will fall into place...
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The day Before
Well, I had already went throguh pre-confirmation camp, confirmation camp and LSS. And today, i went through reconciliation after SO many years...and what's more, tomorrow's confirmation. Changes in my life spiritually? Hmm, a lot. Never thought I would end up being how religious I am now. Honestly speaking, I wasn't a real 'holy' person before. I guess, I did change then. Learning to cope with everything around me, with the grace of God, I will.
* MUST NOT SIN FOR THE NEXT 17 HOURS!!!!! CONFIRMATION!!!! x)*
Shalom to all of ya people! =)
* MUST NOT SIN FOR THE NEXT 17 HOURS!!!!! CONFIRMATION!!!! x)*
Shalom to all of ya people! =)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
My Testimony
*For those who believe in Christ or is wanting to believe in Christ*
I was in a depressed mood the week before my first LSS (Life in Spirit Seminar) at APC, KL. I was going through something not quite expected and was hoping that the seminar would help me forget everything that happened. The talks and ‘Praise & Worship’ sessions were inspiring conducted by Eddy and Alvin and others too, of course. Every single bit of that inspired me and 70 others in the seminar. In every church camp or in this case, a seminar, there would always be an ‘Inner Healing’ session and maybe also a ‘Receiving of the Gifts’ session. I decided to leave everything to God, all my troubles and worries.
*Just a reminder, whatever the conversation I had written below in my testimony may not be the exact words but it IS the exact meaning. Alleluia, praise the Lord.*
The night of the ‘Inner Healing’ session, to be exact, the second night, a very eerie feeling was looming around us. All of knew that the Holy Spirit of the Lord was present before us, waiting for the perfect timing to cleanse us from sin and heal us in the name of the Lord. Alvin gave us a short talk about the brokenness of mere mortals and how God had healed them through so many ways to comfort them. Before starting the session, we sang praises to the Lord. Soon, Alvin and Eddy led us in forgiving; forgiving our mother, our father, our brothers and sisters, and also friends who had hurt us badly before. At this point, people around me wept as they forgave the people around them whom had hurt them. People around me wept and cried out as the Holy Spirit worked its way through everybody’s hearts. This was the first time in three camps which held in a 3 years span that I didn’t really cry. I knew in the past two camps, I had forgiven everything I needed to forgive. So, I decided to pray for others around me who I sensed that they were in so much pain, spiritually. We were asked to stand and pray for the slaying of the Holy Spirit was about to take place. Many youths amongst us then, including me, were praying in tongues after we had been given the gift by Lord Himself. Soon, I heard many around me fell as the Holy Spirit touched them. Both my feet felt weak out of the sudden and wanted to fell too but I knew if I did I might hit someone. So I decided to push against the current the Lord wanted to me to do. Sudden, I felt I was teleported into another dimension, a whole new world even though I could still hear voices and sounds of praises sung by my fellow friends in the reality world. I knew that Jesus had transported me somewhere where he could talk to me.
I was in a room painted white. It was dimly lidded. Soon, I saw a figure coming out. My instinct told me it was Jesus. But the next though that came to me, ‘This couldn’t be Jesus. I saw him before. This is not him.’ And I was right. A girl of 18 or maybe even 19 came out, wearing what I knew was a shepherd girl would wear; an off-white, one piece dress of some sort and a rope as a belt. Instead of holding a staff in her hand, it was a sword. At the sight of the sword, I immediately knew who she was. It was my patron saint, St. Joan of Arc, the 19 year old girl full of courage and determined to bring back justice to her country, France. Don’t ask me how or why I knew it was her. Her sudden presence frightened me. She smiled at me. I could see a small glow laminating her. Suddenly, another figure came. This figure really frightened the hell out of me. It was the Blessed Virgin Mary. I felt my whole body shake and tremble. From her eyes, I could see so much compassion that frightened me even more. Suddenly, a dove flew towards me and land along side Mary and St. Joan. A transfiguration took place. From the elegant dove, it changed into the Lord himself. I heard another voice from the reality world. I think it was the leader who was praying for me at the moment. ‘If you feel you want to fall back as the Spirit had touched you, just fall.’ And with that, I felt my whole body fell in the reality and spiritual world. I was subconscious then. I felt a tear rolled down from my right eye just as I fell. I saw Jesus bend over and put his hand out, the hand which has the mark where the nail had driven into on the day he died for all of us, out in front of me. ‘Stand up, my child.’ Automatically, I stood up with the help of the Lord. I was trembling and was talking to him in tongues, the only language I used to converse with the Lord and the saints. I don’t really remember the exact words I used to converse with him but I knew what I did said, ‘Lord, am I in trouble? Why are Mother Mary and Saint Joan here with you?’ Instead of the Lord, St. Joan answered, ‘You are called to preach the Lord’s words to nations, to people around you, young and old.’ I was shaking even more when I heard that. How could that be true? This could not be happening. Jesus read my mind, ‘My child, when my father said you will preach His words, you will preach His words in His name.’ I shook my head as I doubt. I kept saying ‘No’ for I knew I couldn’t. To cut the crap short, I had a minor argument with St. Joan, Mother Mary and the Lord himself.
Jesus was angry at my doubts of the message given by him. I was shaking tremendously at the sight of his anger. St. Joan walked towards me and had both of her hands on my shoulder, ‘You can do it… We all have faith in you…’ At the moment she said ‘We’, I saw that many people had crowded the white room. I believed that it was all the saints for I saw Mother Theresa in the crowd. ‘All of us here have faith in you to do this…’ said St. Joan, indicating everyone in the crowd. Mother Mary smiled knowingly, agreeing. I shook my head, ‘No. I can’t. I really can’t do what you had just said.’ I told the Lord. ‘Since you denied in believing the message God had given, you will not be able to speak until you believe.’ He said. The next thing I knew, I ‘woke’ up from whatever this called. My mind tried to get used to the surrounding around me which I found hard to do so. I tried to talk and sure enough, I couldn’t find my voice. Alvin had asked the youths who were ready could go before the ‘makeshift’ altar and pray. Before leaving the altar, take the stone with a bible verse or chapter written on it in the basket. I stood up and went to pray. I asked God was He sure in choosing me to preach. I wanted my voice to be back soon. After I stood up from praying, I took a stone. 1 Cor 13 was written on it. Frantically, I went to look for a Bible to read whatever was in 1 Corinthian 13. It was a chapter about love:
‘I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains- but if I have no love, this does me no good.
Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.
When I was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a child; now that I am an adult, I have no more use for childish ways. What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; the new shall see face-to-face. What I know now is partial; then it will be complete- as complete as God’s knowledge of me.
Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.’
The minute I finished that whole chapter, I felt something warm in me. I felt someone using my mind and was promising the Lord that yes, I will preach His words when the time was right and I was ready. In an instant, I could talk again.
That was my vision during the ‘Inner Healing’ session. But my vision didn’t end there. It continued again during the ‘Receiving of Gifts’ session. There are 9 gifts that the Lord might present it to people. I could speak and pray in tongues and also understand whatever I was saying to the Lord. Freaky, right? I found out through Eddy that 99% of Christians couldn’t do that. I guess I am the 1% then. When we were going through the ‘Receiving of Gifts’ session, I heard people were already falling and speaking in tongues already. Since I already have a gift, the gift of speaking in tongues to be specific, I decided to pray for the others who didn’t have a gift and was desperate to have one for God knows what reasons. I knew I wasn’t going to fall but one of the leaders there was praying for me in tongues. The Holy Spirit was beginning to do its work around me, again. Why are You doing its way around me? Don’t waste your time on me who already have a gift from You .I kept trying to NOT to fall off. The leader in front of me was praying even more. Soon, the Holy Spirit just wham into me. Before I fell, I heard this from the leader who was praying for me, ‘Give her the fire to do your ways.’ I fell as I felt a sharp pain ran through my ankle. Someone caught me from behind and laid me down. As I was laid down, my mind was transported to another room, the exact same one I had been during the ‘Inner Healing’ session. But the person before me wasn’t anyone I had seen before in any of my visions. The man was in a black robe and in sandals. He had very black hair that covered half his face; he had a malevolent smile plastered on his face.
A shudder ran through my spine as I looked into his eyes, eyes that didn’t had any life in it. Even though that man was a few feet away from me, he had this bad aura around him that covered the whole room. My heart started beating faster. I felt someone put his hand on my shoulder. When that hand touched my shoulder, a blissful feeling went through my whole body. Without even looking, I knew who he was. ‘Child, cast Lucifer away in My name.’ Jesus told me. My hands started to shook violently. How was I supposed to drive away Satan? I ain’t God, how could that be done? I knew better than to argue back at that moment. I started chanting and praying in the language I am used to and also in tongues. The praying took effect on the Satan but not enough to drive him away; this made me feel even more afraid. He made images flew past my mind. Images of homeless people, people who were abused, selfish and good for nothing people who took advantages of the poor, people who idolized fake gods and statuses, people who stole people’s goods and etc. All the images ran through before my eyes, one-by-one. I felt my prayer wasn’t enough; I lose all hope and faith in casting him away. Suddenly, an image went through my mind, but this time, it wasn’t from the Satan himself but from Jesus. I saw the stone I had taken the night before after the ‘Inner Healing’ session: 1 Cor 13. Love? I decided to give it a try, using love to cast him away. Any image the Satan had given me; I just embraced all of them in open arms and love.
Soon, I understood everything that was happening. When there was love, hope and faith would eventually fall into place. Satan didn’t have love, only the Lord had it. I saw the Satan’s body contorted in a very disturbing manner and was crying out in pain. Suddenly, he vanished. I stared at the place where the Satan was supposed to be, gaping. ‘See. You could do so many things in My name. You just need love, faith and hope would soon follow. You will preach with love, preach your faith in My name to the nations. Just have faith.’ Jesus gave me a hug and suddenly, I was teleported back to the reality world. The first thought that went through my mind after I woke up was ‘Did I actually cast away Satan?’
I didn’t believe that the Lord had asked me to preach his words. So now, he had asked me to cast away Satan in his name to make me believe it. And I did. A lot of things that happened to me in the visions happened before to past prophets and Disciples of Christ.
One of them was losing my voice. It happened exactly like John the Baptist’s father, Zechariah who was a priest. He and his wife, Elizabeth were old and couldn’t have any children. One day, an angel, Gabriel, told him that he would have a son. He didn’t believe the angel’s message; the angel commanded that he wouldn’t be able to speak till the birth of his son, John (Luke 1:5-25).
There were other things that happened in my vision too happened in the Bible before but I will not go through all of it. So, is it true that God wanted me to be his preacher and preach his Gospel to nations? I don’t know, but I will try when the time comes for me to do so. This is my testimony and I believe that it is true; Christ IS the Living Son of God. His flame is in me now and I will continue to fan THAT flame. It is for you to believe. Be fearful of the Lord. ‘Flame on…’ quote Alvin (Inside joke). Alleluia and praise the Lord. In his name Amen.
*There may be many grammar errors, sorry if you do spotted any.*
(Before my fingers stop typing, I would just like to thank every single one of the speakers, 'Praise & Worship' Leaders and facilitators and also the teachers and helpers there, thank you for organizing this wonderful seminar. I can assure you that everything you had done in the Lord's name didn't go to waste. In His name, Amen. And Thank you.)
I was in a depressed mood the week before my first LSS (Life in Spirit Seminar) at APC, KL. I was going through something not quite expected and was hoping that the seminar would help me forget everything that happened. The talks and ‘Praise & Worship’ sessions were inspiring conducted by Eddy and Alvin and others too, of course. Every single bit of that inspired me and 70 others in the seminar. In every church camp or in this case, a seminar, there would always be an ‘Inner Healing’ session and maybe also a ‘Receiving of the Gifts’ session. I decided to leave everything to God, all my troubles and worries.
*Just a reminder, whatever the conversation I had written below in my testimony may not be the exact words but it IS the exact meaning. Alleluia, praise the Lord.*
The night of the ‘Inner Healing’ session, to be exact, the second night, a very eerie feeling was looming around us. All of knew that the Holy Spirit of the Lord was present before us, waiting for the perfect timing to cleanse us from sin and heal us in the name of the Lord. Alvin gave us a short talk about the brokenness of mere mortals and how God had healed them through so many ways to comfort them. Before starting the session, we sang praises to the Lord. Soon, Alvin and Eddy led us in forgiving; forgiving our mother, our father, our brothers and sisters, and also friends who had hurt us badly before. At this point, people around me wept as they forgave the people around them whom had hurt them. People around me wept and cried out as the Holy Spirit worked its way through everybody’s hearts. This was the first time in three camps which held in a 3 years span that I didn’t really cry. I knew in the past two camps, I had forgiven everything I needed to forgive. So, I decided to pray for others around me who I sensed that they were in so much pain, spiritually. We were asked to stand and pray for the slaying of the Holy Spirit was about to take place. Many youths amongst us then, including me, were praying in tongues after we had been given the gift by Lord Himself. Soon, I heard many around me fell as the Holy Spirit touched them. Both my feet felt weak out of the sudden and wanted to fell too but I knew if I did I might hit someone. So I decided to push against the current the Lord wanted to me to do. Sudden, I felt I was teleported into another dimension, a whole new world even though I could still hear voices and sounds of praises sung by my fellow friends in the reality world. I knew that Jesus had transported me somewhere where he could talk to me.
I was in a room painted white. It was dimly lidded. Soon, I saw a figure coming out. My instinct told me it was Jesus. But the next though that came to me, ‘This couldn’t be Jesus. I saw him before. This is not him.’ And I was right. A girl of 18 or maybe even 19 came out, wearing what I knew was a shepherd girl would wear; an off-white, one piece dress of some sort and a rope as a belt. Instead of holding a staff in her hand, it was a sword. At the sight of the sword, I immediately knew who she was. It was my patron saint, St. Joan of Arc, the 19 year old girl full of courage and determined to bring back justice to her country, France. Don’t ask me how or why I knew it was her. Her sudden presence frightened me. She smiled at me. I could see a small glow laminating her. Suddenly, another figure came. This figure really frightened the hell out of me. It was the Blessed Virgin Mary. I felt my whole body shake and tremble. From her eyes, I could see so much compassion that frightened me even more. Suddenly, a dove flew towards me and land along side Mary and St. Joan. A transfiguration took place. From the elegant dove, it changed into the Lord himself. I heard another voice from the reality world. I think it was the leader who was praying for me at the moment. ‘If you feel you want to fall back as the Spirit had touched you, just fall.’ And with that, I felt my whole body fell in the reality and spiritual world. I was subconscious then. I felt a tear rolled down from my right eye just as I fell. I saw Jesus bend over and put his hand out, the hand which has the mark where the nail had driven into on the day he died for all of us, out in front of me. ‘Stand up, my child.’ Automatically, I stood up with the help of the Lord. I was trembling and was talking to him in tongues, the only language I used to converse with the Lord and the saints. I don’t really remember the exact words I used to converse with him but I knew what I did said, ‘Lord, am I in trouble? Why are Mother Mary and Saint Joan here with you?’ Instead of the Lord, St. Joan answered, ‘You are called to preach the Lord’s words to nations, to people around you, young and old.’ I was shaking even more when I heard that. How could that be true? This could not be happening. Jesus read my mind, ‘My child, when my father said you will preach His words, you will preach His words in His name.’ I shook my head as I doubt. I kept saying ‘No’ for I knew I couldn’t. To cut the crap short, I had a minor argument with St. Joan, Mother Mary and the Lord himself.
Jesus was angry at my doubts of the message given by him. I was shaking tremendously at the sight of his anger. St. Joan walked towards me and had both of her hands on my shoulder, ‘You can do it… We all have faith in you…’ At the moment she said ‘We’, I saw that many people had crowded the white room. I believed that it was all the saints for I saw Mother Theresa in the crowd. ‘All of us here have faith in you to do this…’ said St. Joan, indicating everyone in the crowd. Mother Mary smiled knowingly, agreeing. I shook my head, ‘No. I can’t. I really can’t do what you had just said.’ I told the Lord. ‘Since you denied in believing the message God had given, you will not be able to speak until you believe.’ He said. The next thing I knew, I ‘woke’ up from whatever this called. My mind tried to get used to the surrounding around me which I found hard to do so. I tried to talk and sure enough, I couldn’t find my voice. Alvin had asked the youths who were ready could go before the ‘makeshift’ altar and pray. Before leaving the altar, take the stone with a bible verse or chapter written on it in the basket. I stood up and went to pray. I asked God was He sure in choosing me to preach. I wanted my voice to be back soon. After I stood up from praying, I took a stone. 1 Cor 13 was written on it. Frantically, I went to look for a Bible to read whatever was in 1 Corinthian 13. It was a chapter about love:
‘I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains- but if I have no love, this does me no good.
Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.
When I was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a child; now that I am an adult, I have no more use for childish ways. What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; the new shall see face-to-face. What I know now is partial; then it will be complete- as complete as God’s knowledge of me.
Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.’
The minute I finished that whole chapter, I felt something warm in me. I felt someone using my mind and was promising the Lord that yes, I will preach His words when the time was right and I was ready. In an instant, I could talk again.
That was my vision during the ‘Inner Healing’ session. But my vision didn’t end there. It continued again during the ‘Receiving of Gifts’ session. There are 9 gifts that the Lord might present it to people. I could speak and pray in tongues and also understand whatever I was saying to the Lord. Freaky, right? I found out through Eddy that 99% of Christians couldn’t do that. I guess I am the 1% then. When we were going through the ‘Receiving of Gifts’ session, I heard people were already falling and speaking in tongues already. Since I already have a gift, the gift of speaking in tongues to be specific, I decided to pray for the others who didn’t have a gift and was desperate to have one for God knows what reasons. I knew I wasn’t going to fall but one of the leaders there was praying for me in tongues. The Holy Spirit was beginning to do its work around me, again. Why are You doing its way around me? Don’t waste your time on me who already have a gift from You .I kept trying to NOT to fall off. The leader in front of me was praying even more. Soon, the Holy Spirit just wham into me. Before I fell, I heard this from the leader who was praying for me, ‘Give her the fire to do your ways.’ I fell as I felt a sharp pain ran through my ankle. Someone caught me from behind and laid me down. As I was laid down, my mind was transported to another room, the exact same one I had been during the ‘Inner Healing’ session. But the person before me wasn’t anyone I had seen before in any of my visions. The man was in a black robe and in sandals. He had very black hair that covered half his face; he had a malevolent smile plastered on his face.
A shudder ran through my spine as I looked into his eyes, eyes that didn’t had any life in it. Even though that man was a few feet away from me, he had this bad aura around him that covered the whole room. My heart started beating faster. I felt someone put his hand on my shoulder. When that hand touched my shoulder, a blissful feeling went through my whole body. Without even looking, I knew who he was. ‘Child, cast Lucifer away in My name.’ Jesus told me. My hands started to shook violently. How was I supposed to drive away Satan? I ain’t God, how could that be done? I knew better than to argue back at that moment. I started chanting and praying in the language I am used to and also in tongues. The praying took effect on the Satan but not enough to drive him away; this made me feel even more afraid. He made images flew past my mind. Images of homeless people, people who were abused, selfish and good for nothing people who took advantages of the poor, people who idolized fake gods and statuses, people who stole people’s goods and etc. All the images ran through before my eyes, one-by-one. I felt my prayer wasn’t enough; I lose all hope and faith in casting him away. Suddenly, an image went through my mind, but this time, it wasn’t from the Satan himself but from Jesus. I saw the stone I had taken the night before after the ‘Inner Healing’ session: 1 Cor 13. Love? I decided to give it a try, using love to cast him away. Any image the Satan had given me; I just embraced all of them in open arms and love.
Soon, I understood everything that was happening. When there was love, hope and faith would eventually fall into place. Satan didn’t have love, only the Lord had it. I saw the Satan’s body contorted in a very disturbing manner and was crying out in pain. Suddenly, he vanished. I stared at the place where the Satan was supposed to be, gaping. ‘See. You could do so many things in My name. You just need love, faith and hope would soon follow. You will preach with love, preach your faith in My name to the nations. Just have faith.’ Jesus gave me a hug and suddenly, I was teleported back to the reality world. The first thought that went through my mind after I woke up was ‘Did I actually cast away Satan?’
I didn’t believe that the Lord had asked me to preach his words. So now, he had asked me to cast away Satan in his name to make me believe it. And I did. A lot of things that happened to me in the visions happened before to past prophets and Disciples of Christ.
One of them was losing my voice. It happened exactly like John the Baptist’s father, Zechariah who was a priest. He and his wife, Elizabeth were old and couldn’t have any children. One day, an angel, Gabriel, told him that he would have a son. He didn’t believe the angel’s message; the angel commanded that he wouldn’t be able to speak till the birth of his son, John (Luke 1:5-25).
There were other things that happened in my vision too happened in the Bible before but I will not go through all of it. So, is it true that God wanted me to be his preacher and preach his Gospel to nations? I don’t know, but I will try when the time comes for me to do so. This is my testimony and I believe that it is true; Christ IS the Living Son of God. His flame is in me now and I will continue to fan THAT flame. It is for you to believe. Be fearful of the Lord. ‘Flame on…’ quote Alvin (Inside joke). Alleluia and praise the Lord. In his name Amen.
*There may be many grammar errors, sorry if you do spotted any.*
(Before my fingers stop typing, I would just like to thank every single one of the speakers, 'Praise & Worship' Leaders and facilitators and also the teachers and helpers there
Thursday, March 10, 2011
My favourite
Love and relationships are never like the movies no matter how much we want them to be. But when something beautiful ends, for whatever reason, it's most important not to be disappointed that it's over, but glad that it happened at all.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Jenny
Jenny
Heart-wrenching. Fat tears rolling down as patches of memories flew past my mind. More tears came as each one gave me a throbbing ache within me. Why? Why was life so unfair? I couldn’t stand it much longer as exhaustion slowly crawling up in me. Before my body gave its way, I sunk into the arm chair. I massaged my hurting temple as I tried to see sense, why did God have to let me go through the torment. Why did she have to leave? And why so soon? I saw a photo album, beat-up and old sitting on the coffee table, at the corner of my eye. I had never seen it before. Soon, Curiosity crept in and left Sadness waiting in a distant corner of my mind. I picked it up, and flipped it opened.
Gasp! The photo on the first page met my wet eyes with a shock. A little girl in pigtails met my eyes, beside her, it was me. Me? I couldn’t believe it! In that photo, I was only 7, just started school. And on the first day, I had met Jenny. She was a pretty girl and happy one too. As I remembered that memory, my eyes wield up. Tears rolled down as I closed my eyes. I knew her since we were so young. I was her best friend and the one who knew her so well. Soon, my mind wandered to another memory.
I remembered the day when I told Jenny that I had loved her. I was walking her back to her home after a party that ended very late at night. I had a crush on her that year when we were in our first year of college. As I was walking her back home, our hands brushed against each other as we walked. I saw her smiling to herself and recoiled her hand. “Sorry…” I said, as I felt my face flushed. Her cheeks were also pink. When we reached her home, I didn’t want her to go yet. “Bye…and thank you for walking me back home…” she said. I got hold of her wrist before she could take any step further. “Jenny, wait…” She turned and her dark brown eyes looked into mine. I felt my heart beating faster as time past. I didn’t know what to say, but I just want her to know that I loved her. Soon, she leaned towards me. So close that I could feel her warm breath. Before anything happened, I leaned forward even more, and kissed her. After we were done, I whispered ever so lightly into her ear, “I love you…”
I couldn’t help it, I cried again when that memory faded. It happened nearly 20 years ago, but it still felt fresh in my mind. As that memory faded, another one came up. It was the day of our wedding.
My palms were sweaty as the minutes ticked past. I glanced at the clock; it was already going to be 10. My heart pounded as I stood in front of the altar. I kept pinching myself to know whether was I dreaming, or whether all of this was real. Soon, the wedding march was played. Everybody was standing, and I couldn’t see Jenny at all. Soon, my eyes only could see her, Jenny. She was in the most elegant wedding dress I had ever seen. The colour made her eyes stood out even more. Such beautiful eyes. The only thing I could see was her and only her. My mind could only thought about her and nothing else. She was mine, and I was hers. As she came nearer to me, I reached out, and there she was, in my arms. I didn’t hear anything the reverend was saying. I didn’t even have to say anything until the ‘I do’ part. When that passed, the only thing I heard was, “You may kiss the bride…” I literally crashed my face into hers, which made both of us laughed. Because of that, we were nicknamed the laughing couple. That was the best day of my life.
I smiled a little at that memory until I smelled the bitter taste of medicine. Suddenly, I remembered where the memory was taking me. It was the year when I had to spent time in the hospital with Jenny. She was dying.
After 3 years of being happily married, Jenny became sick, very sick. She became coughing non stop throughout the nights. She had bruises on her and her hair kept falling. She kept saying she was fine and healthy, and I believed her until I saw her coughing out blood. She coughed out so much of it and became unconscious. I rushed her to the hospital. There, the doctors did many test, and found out she was having leukemia, the terminal stage. My heart just dropped instantly when I heard the news. Fearing for the worst, I asked, “How long will she still be alive?” I saw the doctor’s sad look in his eyes and he shook his head, “Another 6 months to a year. Be prepared, brother.” Day in, day out, I spent all my time with Jenny at the hospital. The chemo didn’t change anything, she was still so sick, and her health was deteriorating. She put up a brave front whenever she saw me; I did, too, put up a brave front for her. But I would just break down in the bathroom whenever I was alone. She tried to be happy and cheerful. One day, something she said shocked me. “James? Will I see you again? After I die?” I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to say or do. I felt tears coming up. She started crying too. I hugged her, trying to calm her down. “Yes, I will see you again. Even after you…leave… We are meant to be together. Until the end of time…” A week after that, she left, in my arms. I was hugging her, when she closed her eyes forever.
That pain ached within me every time. I cried when I kissed her, a few minutes after she died. I cried when I kissed her before she was buried during her funeral. I cried before I slept every night. I couldn’t eat. It was already a week since her burial. My mind clouded with confusion. The photo album in my hand slipped off, and fell with a thud on the floor. I bent down to pick it up when an envelope slipped out from the album. It was addressed to me.
“Dear beloved James,
I know I won’t be long on this world anymore. But I always want you to know that I love you, for a very long time. We will be always together, even if I’m not around anymore. We are meant to be together, till the end of time. Stay strong and take care. I love you.
Love,
Jennifer ‘Jenny’”
The letter was smudged by my tears and also some of hers. My hands shook violently. I love you too, Jenny… I whispered into the empty room.
Written on 1st of March
Jehanne Copyrighted.
Heart-wrenching. Fat tears rolling down as patches of memories flew past my mind. More tears came as each one gave me a throbbing ache within me. Why? Why was life so unfair? I couldn’t stand it much longer as exhaustion slowly crawling up in me. Before my body gave its way, I sunk into the arm chair. I massaged my hurting temple as I tried to see sense, why did God have to let me go through the torment. Why did she have to leave? And why so soon? I saw a photo album, beat-up and old sitting on the coffee table, at the corner of my eye. I had never seen it before. Soon, Curiosity crept in and left Sadness waiting in a distant corner of my mind. I picked it up, and flipped it opened.
Gasp! The photo on the first page met my wet eyes with a shock. A little girl in pigtails met my eyes, beside her, it was me. Me? I couldn’t believe it! In that photo, I was only 7, just started school. And on the first day, I had met Jenny. She was a pretty girl and happy one too. As I remembered that memory, my eyes wield up. Tears rolled down as I closed my eyes. I knew her since we were so young. I was her best friend and the one who knew her so well. Soon, my mind wandered to another memory.
I remembered the day when I told Jenny that I had loved her. I was walking her back to her home after a party that ended very late at night. I had a crush on her that year when we were in our first year of college. As I was walking her back home, our hands brushed against each other as we walked. I saw her smiling to herself and recoiled her hand. “Sorry…” I said, as I felt my face flushed. Her cheeks were also pink. When we reached her home, I didn’t want her to go yet. “Bye…and thank you for walking me back home…” she said. I got hold of her wrist before she could take any step further. “Jenny, wait…” She turned and her dark brown eyes looked into mine. I felt my heart beating faster as time past. I didn’t know what to say, but I just want her to know that I loved her. Soon, she leaned towards me. So close that I could feel her warm breath. Before anything happened, I leaned forward even more, and kissed her. After we were done, I whispered ever so lightly into her ear, “I love you…”
I couldn’t help it, I cried again when that memory faded. It happened nearly 20 years ago, but it still felt fresh in my mind. As that memory faded, another one came up. It was the day of our wedding.
My palms were sweaty as the minutes ticked past. I glanced at the clock; it was already going to be 10. My heart pounded as I stood in front of the altar. I kept pinching myself to know whether was I dreaming, or whether all of this was real. Soon, the wedding march was played. Everybody was standing, and I couldn’t see Jenny at all. Soon, my eyes only could see her, Jenny. She was in the most elegant wedding dress I had ever seen. The colour made her eyes stood out even more. Such beautiful eyes. The only thing I could see was her and only her. My mind could only thought about her and nothing else. She was mine, and I was hers. As she came nearer to me, I reached out, and there she was, in my arms. I didn’t hear anything the reverend was saying. I didn’t even have to say anything until the ‘I do’ part. When that passed, the only thing I heard was, “You may kiss the bride…” I literally crashed my face into hers, which made both of us laughed. Because of that, we were nicknamed the laughing couple. That was the best day of my life.
I smiled a little at that memory until I smelled the bitter taste of medicine. Suddenly, I remembered where the memory was taking me. It was the year when I had to spent time in the hospital with Jenny. She was dying.
After 3 years of being happily married, Jenny became sick, very sick. She became coughing non stop throughout the nights. She had bruises on her and her hair kept falling. She kept saying she was fine and healthy, and I believed her until I saw her coughing out blood. She coughed out so much of it and became unconscious. I rushed her to the hospital. There, the doctors did many test, and found out she was having leukemia, the terminal stage. My heart just dropped instantly when I heard the news. Fearing for the worst, I asked, “How long will she still be alive?” I saw the doctor’s sad look in his eyes and he shook his head, “Another 6 months to a year. Be prepared, brother.” Day in, day out, I spent all my time with Jenny at the hospital. The chemo didn’t change anything, she was still so sick, and her health was deteriorating. She put up a brave front whenever she saw me; I did, too, put up a brave front for her. But I would just break down in the bathroom whenever I was alone. She tried to be happy and cheerful. One day, something she said shocked me. “James? Will I see you again? After I die?” I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to say or do. I felt tears coming up. She started crying too. I hugged her, trying to calm her down. “Yes, I will see you again. Even after you…leave… We are meant to be together. Until the end of time…” A week after that, she left, in my arms. I was hugging her, when she closed her eyes forever.
That pain ached within me every time. I cried when I kissed her, a few minutes after she died. I cried when I kissed her before she was buried during her funeral. I cried before I slept every night. I couldn’t eat. It was already a week since her burial. My mind clouded with confusion. The photo album in my hand slipped off, and fell with a thud on the floor. I bent down to pick it up when an envelope slipped out from the album. It was addressed to me.
“Dear beloved James,
I know I won’t be long on this world anymore. But I always want you to know that I love you, for a very long time. We will be always together, even if I’m not around anymore. We are meant to be together, till the end of time. Stay strong and take care. I love you.
Love,
Jennifer ‘Jenny’”
The letter was smudged by my tears and also some of hers. My hands shook violently. I love you too, Jenny… I whispered into the empty room.
Written on 1st of March
Jehanne Copyrighted.
Stai zitto, eh?
Che cosa la scopata è sbagliato con te?! Tu sei la mia vita miserabile, se tu sapessi tutto quello che ha detto che mi influenzano questo male, perché non si può solo stare zitto?! Ora so che questo non durerà, e sarà mai ...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?
A saint asked his disciples, ‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?’ asked the saint. ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.Finally he explained, ‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’
Then the saint asked, ‘What happens when two people are in love with each other? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’
The saint continued, ‘When they love each other even more, what happens?They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’
MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.
So, don't shout at your loved ones...and Happy Valentine's day everybody!
Then the saint asked, ‘What happens when two people are in love with each other? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’
The saint continued, ‘When they love each other even more, what happens?They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’
MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.
So, don't shout at your loved ones...and Happy Valentine's day everybody!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Love Story
"Love means never having to say you're sorry." -Jennifer Cavalleri from movie Love Story (1970)
It would be great if love would all be like in the movies...perfect and well, but sometimes, it won't, because this is the real world...love and cherish your loved ones every second of the day...once you loose someone, you will regret it...
"It takes someone very special to help you forget someone very special." -Oliver's Story (1977)
It would be great if love would all be like in the movies...perfect and well, but sometimes, it won't, because this is the real world...love and cherish your loved ones every second of the day...once you loose someone, you will regret it...
"It takes someone very special to help you forget someone very special." -Oliver's Story (1977)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
How could you?
Hot flushes on the cheeks,
Hard breathing,
Head spinning at an abnormal rate.
Tears coming down,
drop by drop.
Heart beating,
Like after a marathon.
(Inhale)
Opens the faucet,
Splashes cool water onto my burning cheeks.
Washing off the tears.
And hoping,
washing off the reality,
That I just heard.
Hoping hard it was just some cruel joke.
(Exhale)
It's late.
2:30am.
But, I couldnt sleep.
Helpless.
Restless.
Depressed.
Heartbroken.
Tears rolling down,
Which I can't stop.
Head throbbing.
Shut myself in my room.
Silently weeping.
Trying to control my out-of-control emotions.
Hoping it was all a lie.
It was so perfect,
So happy.
When you call,
I see your caller ID and I smile.
Looking forward to those late night calls.
But this time,
You sounded different.
"We need to talk..."
You said.
From that point on,
I regretted listening to every word you said.
"I don't know how I feel about you anymore..."
You continued.
And with that,
We both broke ties.
How could that happen?
I never saw this coming,
At all.
(Inhale)
Whenever I breath,
It hurts.
How could this happen?
I love you.
I said those three precious words,
Only to you.
You were my first to make my heart leap in joy,
And you were also my last to make me cry.
(Exhale)
My weeping turns to audible sobs.
How could this ever happen?
You've the one who taken my first kiss.
You've the first one who said those three words to me.
Those three words I cherished so much.
How could you break off ties with me just like that?
From a bright lit area where I could see,
You just tossed me back into the dark.
How could you?
(Inhale)
(Exhale)
Hard breathing,
Head spinning at an abnormal rate.
Tears coming down,
drop by drop.
Heart beating,
Like after a marathon.
(Inhale)
Opens the faucet,
Splashes cool water onto my burning cheeks.
Washing off the tears.
And hoping,
washing off the reality,
That I just heard.
Hoping hard it was just some cruel joke.
(Exhale)
It's late.
2:30am.
But, I couldnt sleep.
Helpless.
Restless.
Depressed.
Heartbroken.
Tears rolling down,
Which I can't stop.
Head throbbing.
Shut myself in my room.
Silently weeping.
Trying to control my out-of-control emotions.
Hoping it was all a lie.
It was so perfect,
So happy.
When you call,
I see your caller ID and I smile.
Looking forward to those late night calls.
But this time,
You sounded different.
"We need to talk..."
You said.
From that point on,
I regretted listening to every word you said.
"I don't know how I feel about you anymore..."
You continued.
And with that,
We both broke ties.
How could that happen?
I never saw this coming,
At all.
(Inhale)
Whenever I breath,
It hurts.
How could this happen?
I love you.
I said those three precious words,
Only to you.
You were my first to make my heart leap in joy,
And you were also my last to make me cry.
(Exhale)
My weeping turns to audible sobs.
How could this ever happen?
You've the one who taken my first kiss.
You've the first one who said those three words to me.
Those three words I cherished so much.
How could you break off ties with me just like that?
From a bright lit area where I could see,
You just tossed me back into the dark.
How could you?
(Inhale)
(Exhale)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Of course...
Of course,
I'm in love
~~~With you,
~~~~~Darling...
*read everything before reading the read ones....
*Epic weih... xD
I'm in love
~~~With you,
~~~~~Darling...
*read everything before reading the read ones....
*Epic weih... xD
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