The Future

When I was 12,
I always wished that I will be in a relationship,
Full of roses and rainbows,
I was young,
But to me,
Love was just a bed of beautiful roses.

I had my wish,
I had a boyfriend during that time,
I was happy.

But,
All puppy love ends.

I was blessed enough to have been in another at the age of 16,
It was never a bed of roses at times,
But there were some moment.
But again,
It ended very sadly.

Now,
If I were to find someone again,
I don't want it to be a bed of flowers,
But to be my future.

That wall

I know this is like my 3rd post today.

But...

 All I could say is, I lost all real feeling by now. I am pretty sure about that now.

Oh well, that barrier is up again perhaps.


And I am now nearly 4 years of abstinence of hard alcohol. Which is good. Right?

But now, I really want a good bottle of smirnoff, or a cup of wine.

SIgh

I am the type of person, who rarely be herself. Not because she is afraid of others' perception on herself, but she was never comfortable to be herself in the first place.

She is the type of girl, whom many thought they know her as herself. Truth is, nobody do. Only the ones who could see her as her own. Does that even make anymore sense?

She is the type of girl who wants to be herself, but it feels as if it was never meant to be.

I guess maybe she has been too much during the past 5 years. I guess I had been through a lot the last 5 years.

I always refer to myself as she, is that weird? Maybe because I am always away from my own mind at times.

She sometimes still cries herself to sleep. Or even tries not to.

The pillow is still the one that feels good to hug, that varsity jacket is still the most comfortable, as if he was still hugging me.

To be honest, I don't think mentally, she could handle anymore of this.

I know for sure she can't, but how to let her know that?

All I could do everyday, is to make myself become very tired with various things to do.

Before this ends...

To be honest, every since May 2013, I can't write what I used to love to write, about love.

I guess my last relationship had taken away what I really love, writing. I remember writing every single thing, turning every single memory into a page length story. I remember every single feeling I had with the past relationships, the simple love, the feeling of a hug, the simple peck of a kiss, all onto a piece of paper. I guess its all over now.

Before the year ends, all I know is:
- I still have problems with physical touch, whether from friends and all.
-I saw my voice improve throughout the semester (even though not as much of an improvement compared to last year, but my voice have finally stabilized a few weeks ago).
-I have already given up in love now.
-I finally come to terms with my own enemy, myself.
-I am still as clueless as I am.

About the giving up in love part, its true. I don't bother about it anymore now. I see no point in even looking.

I used to believe that 'if it was meant to be yours, it will come back to you'. Now I see a new phrase, 'chase for what you think should be yours'. I give up in chasing anymore.

Now, I chase for different things. I am chasing my dream. My dream ever since 11, was to be an educator. What educator at that time, I was not sure. Now, I know, to be an educator of music. To nurture the world about music. To even nurture myself about it.

I have improve in my musicianship skills this year, but its still not enough.

I want to become a musician, not a pianist nor a singer.

I am growing a lot as a singer, and still growing. I don't feel I am growing as much as a pianist. I plan to teach both instruments, and maybe some sideline singing in the future, but more towards teaching.

I hope to fulfill my current dream, and hopes too.

Till then.

Get the fuck out of my life

Your sour attitude do not define who I am,
Your lies and rumours of me do not define me,
Your mindset about me,
Doesn't show who I truly am.
Get the fuck off my life.
And don't be such a lifeless fuck,
Who expects me to respect you,
When you are like this to everyone.
I am avoiding not because I am scared,
But because I feel I shouldn't see such a scumbag like you,
Everyday,
And make my life so miserable.

Panic

I can't breathe, my sight is blurring me. I hear nothing but the intensified gasps I make for air. I struggle to see light, to hear sound, to feel my surroundings, but everything is turning dark and quiet.

That was how I felt when I am in the midst of noise and people I am either not fond of or strangers. Or when I feel utterly alone. This can happen when I am with people I know, people I love, with strangers, or even when I am alone. I can go into silent panic attacks, sweaty hand, sweat all over. And I breathe heavy.

I hear nothing, just nothing. I can't even see anything. But I hear one thing, I feel one thing. "Are you okay? Wake up! You alright? Mabel, can you hear me?" I felt calm, I felt right, I felt normal.

Sometimes I can wake up from everything, sometimes I can't.

I feel someone's arm around me, breathing with me.

But now that I am dependent, I have to wake up. And never fall back again.

I saw his bright eyes, his ruffled hair, his worried frown. "Thank God you're alright!"

Oh how I wished I could just fall back knowing I have someone to look out for me.

Bangkok-Pattaya, Thailand

I miss Thailand!

LDRs?

I salute those who went through a long distanced relationship, and succeeded.

In LDRs, physical contact is never there, that's why we don't fall in love with looks, sexual attraction or other materialistic stuff, but on the stripped down personalities of each other. No kisses, no hugs, no way of finding the other half when you need them. The only thing you would have, is communication.

Isn't all love and relationships should be based on communication? I think it should be. LDRs test this. You only could look at each other through a screen, hear each other's voice through the phone, but can't feel the beside you, holding you and such.

To be honest, I thought I despise LDRs. But, both of my past relationships are based on that. I only could meet my first boyfriend once a week, or even once a month because we stay in different parts of the state and we were just 14 and 15 then. But he left for the land down under, and I thought I couldn't take LDRs. The second one, was basically 99% communication through the phone, social media and letters. That 1% was when I first met him face to face. Isn't that considered a LDR? To me at that time wasn't, because we were still in the same country. But when he left for his studies in the UK, I couldn't stand it. Wasn't 2 of those scenarios both a LDR? What was I thinking? Because of the fact I thought I could not stand a LDR, I had to break it? I was in one all this while.

What is wrong with me?

Sweet dreams

I remember having to read that same text, hearing that same line, hearing that same voice every single before I sleep:

"Sweet dreams my darling..."
"Sweet dreams my sweetheart."
"Goodnight my love"

Where has that gone?

I give up...

I give up. I don't know whether my decision is right now. I thought it would be. But now, with some people supporting me, and others not, I don't even am I even suppose to be in the correct path. I don't even know what is the right path anymore. All I know is, if I don't follow my heart and my mind into this, I may spiral into the wrong one, and my life would be the consequences.

It feel so hard to want to cry, but yet I can't and won't want to.

Lord, help me. I need you.

Help

I take my bottle of whiskey and took a stroll on the beach, at night. I sit by the wall, just my feet on the wet sand.

I see the stars on the dark sky. My emotions moving towards to sad rather than calm. I really just want to get drunk, and cry by the corner. I want someone to hold, and hug. But, I don't have that person no more. Sigh.

I want someone, anyone.

Truly, time never heals. Time only numbs.

Truly, I believe that line. How stupid of me that if I gave more time to myself, I would heal eventually. Right? Wrong.

I just noticed that my ex blocked me from certain photos so that it would not pop up in my news feed. But, as a very sentimental person, or maybe a stupid one, I do go back to his account and just catch up a bit on his life. But whenever I do so, I get so depressed and emotional I just switch it all away.

I just noticed my ex has a new girl, or maybe I am mistaken. But then, when was I ever mistaken for things that others can't see, but only I could.

I had been depressed for awhile. From school work, to verbal harassment, to past failed relationships, and just my life in general. I have even contemplated of killing myself. Or, just some random vehicle crash into me. Just something that I could die. I really do not want to spiral into that black hole again.

Verbal harassment in school is killing my mental health. I feel like crying every single day, and not due to study stress, but harassment stress.

What is wrong with me? Why do I want myself dead. Why?

Help me.

I know it will all be well, but, please make me strong to know its going to be well. Because I don't feel well, emotional, mentally and physically.

I feel...

In the dark hall,
I see nothing.
I feel something.
I hear everything.

I hear music,
I hear sounds,
I hear noise,
I hear love.

Beautiful music,
Depicts the love of Romeo and Juliet,
In a modern setting,
But the same love.

I hear the love,
I feel the love,
I feel the tears,
I feel the pain.

I feel the mark,
The mark where your lips had been,
On my tear-stained cheek.
I feel the grasp,
In my left hand,
I feel the box,
In my right hand.

In my left was your hand in mine,
Twirling your thumb in my small palm,
Me holding tight.
In my left was a box,
A blue box.
A box full of gifts by you,
A necklace,
An accessory,
A letter,
A self-composed piece.

I didn't want to let go to anyone of them in my hands.
But you knew that that would be our first,
Our last date.
That would be my last of seeing you,
And it was the last time I could slap you,
For what you did in the future after that.

7 Stages

You know, when a person looks back in a relationship they were in, is only when they have broken up. I don't think anyone looks back into a relationship, remembering every single little detail. Nobody in a good relationship would do that, only the ones who misses it.

I watched a video just a couple of hours ago. And it was how this main actress move on from a break up and how to forget about it. She mentioned the 7 stages of a break up:

Stage 1: Shock
Stage 2: Denial
Stage 3: Isolation
Stage 4: Anger
Stage 5: Bargaining
Stage 6: Depression
Stage 7: Acceptance

I somehow find it very true. Well, in my 1st relationship though. I did go through all 7 stages one after the other. I remembered the shock I felt when the relationship was going downhill. I knew it was coming, but I denied whatever I thought wouldn't happen. When it did, I literally just pull everything I thought I once knew back to my own thoughts, my own mental prison. And well, the anger did come. You have no idea how much I told myself that I have gotten over him, I've moved on. But in reality, I haven't. The depression came soon after. The moments when I could cry at night until I no longer can. How I close my own feelings to other people around me. Then, I accept the fact that whatever happened, has gone. Yeah. That was how it went.

But it did not go like that in my 2nd one.

I didn't received the shock of a break up, because I was the one who wanted to break it off. But I did see the denial. I thought whatever happened, is not real. Like, how could it? Then, I have anger. That was prominent, but it did not happened for a short period of time. Well, it was like a tug-o-war, I fell back for him for too many times. So the anger comes back from time to time. When I really know it was over, whatever I felt was gone, isolation stepped in. I literally just put myself in that mental prison of thoughts. I accepted the fact he was no longer mine. And that was the painful part. Best of all, I fell into deep depression. I kept having thoughts of the past with him come up every waking moment. I thought I was getting better, but in a far fetched reality, I haven't.

I am still working on accepting what has happened, even though we did officially broke off 30 months ago. But mentally my mind have just left the depression stage and into accepting.

The video was good nevertheless. And I came across an article saying, "Find a man who loves you more". Twice I did, twice it didn't worked out. So, what now? Still following that same route? Because, in both of my past relationships, the guy fell for me first, then only then I learned to love them. But I got deeply, both mentally and emotionally, attached to them that I have such a hard time to move on.

So, what now?

Strong

Have you ever thought that I could go on without you? I have. Well, maybe so. But, I know I have. I am in a strong present, stronger than ever. And you will see me as that.
And regret not taking hold of me when you said you would.

Left Or Right?

On the road,
With two road forks,
One leading to loneliness,
The other to fulfilment.

I am just sitting here,
In front of the two,
Hoping for a third path,
Called love.

Changes in me

In all seriousness, what happened to me? Back in 2010-2011, I was so happy, a damn happy kid. I wrote so much positive shit on social media that sickens me now? How on earth did I land myself a relationship? How the heck did I survive the break up? I look back at my activity log from 2010 til middle of 2011, I changed so much from reading that. I was naive, I was happy.

Now, I feel like I am not trusting myself a lot now. I don't trust myself to feel again.

What happened?

What Happened?

Its already 2 years, but the feelings have not left me at all.

"I give my all to you, everything I feel for you, is true. Because I love you."

"I hope both of us get married someday...have kids, name the girl Rachel because I like that name. You name the son Daniel because I know you like it."

"I went through your crazy mood swings rollercoaster ride. I must be mad to be still with you."

"I love you. I miss you"

These were some of the things you sad to me. I thought you meant for it to be real? Where is it then?

You left for some other person who you thought who loved you too. Some loyal person you are.

2 years. What happened?

(I can't write anymore fiction stories anymore. NOOOOOOOOOO) :(

Night and Day

I see her eyes,
Those dark hazel eyes,
That twinkle by the sunrise,
And shine by the night sky.

I feel her hair,
Her dark raven hair,
The one that is unruly and bare,
But smell like cotton candy in the air.

I kiss her lips,
Those blood red lips,
The one who smiles from tip to tip,
Those lips I want to kiss.

She is the one that I love,
And the one that I wait,
The one that I hear,
Night,
And day.

Yeaps...

I read an article a couple of days ago, it hit me hard to be honest. It was saying that whether did you really fall in love truly or falling in love because of loneliness? To be honest, I don't really know whether have I ever done the first? But I sure know I did the latter.

My first relationship, was a producy of curiosity of 2 adolescents. By that I mean, we were both curious. And maybe there were feelings involved, can't remember the little details, but I know I have grown to love him then.

It was somewhat a long distanced relationship to me at that time. I was 12 going on to 13. He was a year older then. My parents didn't agree to having crushes let alone a relationship, so we don't meet at all during school days and week nights. Only on Sundays, and maybe Saturdays sometimes. His parents were okay with the idea of him in a relationship. Puppy love, they said. He had his short temperedness I have to endure (and literally fight about). I had him as my biggest secret to hide for 4 effing years. So yeah, it was never fine and dandy.

We have some bad days and also pretty awesome 'good' days. Those bad days I used to call them as 'off days'. Meaning? Total silent treatment. Hahah. I don't want to reach into that, because he still reads this blog I have here. Those good days? Well, little rituals we have. We never go on 'dates'. We hang out. Our little hang outs consists of archery, bowling, movies, just walk around the mall, hang out at his place are a few. Oh yeah, and me doing his English homework.

We have special days too. One of them was his prom night. And those little casual night when he invites me and his friends for a game night of such. He knows I have a tinge of claustrophobic in me. Well, actually he notices that first. I avoid physical contact like holding hands for example or go in crowds. I normally scatter off or feel giddy. This used to tick him off at the start. But now he understands.

Well, get back to the topic. Yeah, I have really fallen for this dude. But, I didn't fall for him when we got together first. So, I can't really say that I love him from the start till the end. But I love him from the moment I did, even till now.

When he left for migration, I felt lost. Heck, I WAS LOST. Its like a missing piece left and I had no direction in life anymore. I became depressed. I guess my next relationship came in too fast in my heart broked depressed state.

The next guy was sweet and such. I knew too many not needed info of him when we became acquainted. But no need for that. Slowly, I think I fell for him also. And he found out about that. He said he felt the same too, and well, we got together. I felt very happy then. Maybe because that empty void was filled.

He was okay I guess. He was older than the first. a year older than the first. Deem more experienced? Maybe. More mature? Not likely. He has the worst level of jealousy. I have guy friends also. And what's more? He tries to make me jealous. I let you to decide whether is that suppose to me okay.

He and I, that is a long distanced relationship. Throughout my 1 year relationship with him, I only met him officially as his girlfriend once. In my high school choir's musical. He is from Sarawak Kuching, but was studying at Seremban at that time. Which reminds me, before I started dating him, I knew he was leaving for the UK for furthur studies, and yet I even agreed to get together with him. And I was like anti LDR by then. That is what love does to people. Make 'em blind.

During that one time he met me, he knew I was afriad still of physical contact unless I am very comfortable with the dude. Yet, he still wanna try his luck. He was damn lucky we were in public and my Pet sis was there. If not he would get a slap from me.

To be honest, these are all not the worst points of him. The worst was after we broke up.

We broke off because he was leaving. I can't stand the 10 hour time difference. To be honest, writing this out is still painful. But I wanna get this out in the light.

Normal people would stop any contact of each other after breaking off.

Not him. He said he wanna keep in contact like we used to. Used to. Used to was when we were dating. We did not become friends before we started dating. Just mere acquaintance. So, he said let's try to be friends. Hell that was hard because he wasn't treating me like one. More like his gf with benefits. He knew I still love him then. But I kept quiet. Bad idea. I asked him one day whether do we wanna try this again. I was giving a LDR a chance. He said, 'I think I have fallen for another...' That was a fucking blow to me. But it was not the last. I fell for my roommate, I fell for my coursemate, I fell for my friend. yadayadayada....

I was stringed, toyed, emotionally tempered with for another extra year and a half before I decided to block all contact from him.

Getting back to the topic, yeah, I had been in love because of being alone. And maybe truly I was in love once. But, all relationships are never perfect to me. I know that well enough. But don't ever string me along. Its painful.

Now, I am happy and single. With weird feelings of like falling for someone in my uni. But, I am pushing all that away. I am letting it go naturally.

One, Two, Three

I took the lock and the key, ready to snap the lock shut. "Do you want to like, write something on the lock before locking it?" I looked at him just for a moment before saying, "Yeah... why not?"

We were at the Love Lock bridge, Pont des Arts, Paris. It was on out to-go list when we got together 4 years back. And now we are.

He took out a marker from his pocket. "So, what do you wanna write?" I shrugged. Without hesitating, he scribbled something on our light blue padlock. It read,

Al ♥ Ms

Our initials. It was plain. It was simple. And I liked it. I took the pen away from him and wrote at the back of the lock:

Forever, no matter what.

I took the lock from him, blowing the wet ink to dry.

Meeting him was by chance to be honest.

I was at a cafe, my book opened, a piece of lemon cheesecake and a cup of tea. And he was just opposite of me. We exchanged glances before he decided to come over to say  And just like that, that's how both of us, to complete strangers meet, and eventually fell in love.

Over the years, we are still as close as ever.

"Ready to lock it?" he asked. I smiled and gave a nod. We found a spot where out padlock would stand out from the others and lock it.

"You wanna throw it?" he asked again, handing me the key. "Why not we do it, together."

We stood with our backs facing the river.

One, two, three. There goes the key, into the water.

(I wrote this because I forgot to upload during Vday. And no, it did not happen. I am sitting in my uni's cafe, finished a cheesecake, supposong revising my theory textbook with a cup of hot English Tea. I got this idea from my first relationship when he and I then really do a to-go list when we entered out second year being together. I guess I am writing what would happened if we really are at the bridge. Well, I guess we won't, after all. Anyways, happy belated Vday guys.)

I wanna leave

I feel so exhausted. So tired. I don't see improvements. I see so many obstacles ahead of me. Today in mass, I told God that I have decided to put all things that are pulling me down, making me frustrated, making me feel like giving up, all to him. But I feel like I am letting go everything. Why can't I just be average? At least better than poor. I am so down. So much in mental exhaustion and pain. I really just want to leave and go. Pack my bags and get on a jet plane. Let the world make peace with my troubled soul. Or at least have one person who cares, and tell me is alright. Sigh.

At the Wrong Moment

Well, what can I say? I guess I've waited too long. I guess I was too chicken to confess to her earlier. I guess, I was too late.

I knew there was something going on between the both of us. The occasional wink, the flirtateous smile, the sudden nudge in the ribs or the stinging pain of a punch in the arm. If those weren't 'something', then what is.

In the back of my mind, the constant humming of 'TELL HER. TELL HER'. But the other counter reply was, 'NO...' I knew better. I didn't tell her then. But all the flirts went on.

Until on the day before Valentine's day, I did.
'Hey Lydia? What are you going to do tomorrow?' She gave a silent flip through her mental calender. 'Erm...nothing. Why?'

It now or never.

'Well, I kinda have this sort of feelings for you...and well, I wanna ask if you wanna get some dinner and watch a movie after that tomorrow?'

I saw a sad but awkward smile. I knew that I was screwed.

'I'm sorry...I don't know how to say this, but, I actually thought I have fallen for you awhile back...but I didn't know whether was I just feeling all that by myself...now, I don't feel anything at all...I'm sorry.'

What is it like in my mind in the past...

Now I am really have no control over myself. Over what I think, what I used to know, what I feel, or even what I want to know. Seriously. This is madness.

I don't know what am I feeling now. Or maybe I don't want to know? Or maybe I do know it, but I don't want to confront it? What the hell, I am making myself confuse and miserable. I hate whatever I am feeling now. Its not that I don't know or even if I know what I am feeling, its that I hate whatever I am feeling. For him. Period.

Its like suddenly falling for him for no apparent reason. Why...I really do hate this feeling. Is it even love? Okay, fine. Even if I really do like him, then what? Its like someone is playing one god damn cruel of a trick. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am a girl, and he is a boy. So its simple and easy. No quite. So what if I really do like him? It doesn't mean that he likes me too....

Yeah, pretty sure this is what's making confuse, mad, not sure of what I am feeling. Its the feelings. He gets me happy, excited, jealous, sad, confused, mad, and even scared. I am pretty sure what I am feeling now is pretty real, as real as it can be. Or maybe as real as a unicorn. But pretty real.

What I don't want to know, but secretly do, is whether does he feel the same way? Not knowing that little part of this equation is killing my every single cell in my mind. I think of it night and day, those emotions torture me every time, especially when I am with him and without him. I enjoy being with him nearby and all, but it kills me too, to know whether he likes me too... He is in my mind every waking moment, every sleepy thought. He doesn't know this.

He doesn't need to know. He must never know. I mean, why should he? Its not like he will ever like me. And what if he does found out that I have feelings for him? He might just move away from me. And I lose him like that.

Make up to me is not enhancing my best features, but more like covering up whatever I feel insecure about, basically every part of me.

Every moment of my time awake, I wait for his call, his text, just to know about his day, to hear his voice, to hear him laugh. But when he does message me, I take forever to reply. Why? To not seem to eager, so desperate, so needy. I try to play hard to get. But I don't think its ever working.

Whenever I am with him, I feel happy, like not a care in the world. This scares me. He may mean the world to me, but I may be worthless to him. How do you not feel afraid of that?

One moment, I feel like telling him how I feel about him, but the next moment, I don't. I can't. Why? Telling him would only scare him away. There's like a damn slim chance of two people falling for the same person at the right moment and the right place.

He might really leave me when he finds out about it, and think that I am mad. All I ever want is to love...and be loved.

I wish really, he feels the same way about me.


//Well basically, this goes through my mind when I have a really deep crush on someone. Seriously, it goes through my mind as a constant mental torture. Not as painful as a breakup though. But then, painful enough. But I left that behind now. I don't want to bother much about things like this. Spare me the mental and emotional torture...//

Cheeky

Something tongue and cheek I've thought about while driving today.

I was sitting on the couch with my best bud, Alex. With a duvet and a tub of Ben and Jerry's, we sat comfortably watching a Rom Com.

Halfway through the show, Alex paused the show and turned to me. Serious face. 'Deb, I wanna tell you something.' he said.

'Fire away', I said

'I like you...I mean, I think I love you...'

I was stuffing myself with ice cream when he said that.

I see him turn red, his eyes shifted nervously from one corner to another.

I smiled. Flirting.

'Well, have you kissed any girls before?'

He became more awkward and red when I said that. Because I know he hasn't.

I took a spoonful of ice cream and slam it onto his lips.

He looked startled.

When I kissed him, he was bewildered.

Tasty, chocolate chip marshmellow.

'Now, boy, you have kissed a girl...' I said seductively.

He returned with that same seductive smile.

And we kissed again.

Last Goodbye

I was sad the first time when you left, I couldn't sent you off. But I know if I did sent you off, you would put up a huge fight with your mum and dad. You were just 16.

But the second time you were leaving for good, I know I had to send you off. I know I would regret if I didn't.

But it felt so painful to be honest. The car ride to the airport. Just putting my head on your shoulders like how we used to do. If felt foreign yet same at the same time. My mind was blank. Like it was hoping that the time would just stop there, at that moment forever. Rather than hoping time would stop for me in my sleep. But time didn't.

I helped you with you bags and luggage, eve though you said not to. I wanted to. Rolled the bag to the trolley and lift it up there. I pushed it for you, while you helped. It felt the happy yet sad to do something so minimal with you but it meant so much to me.

We waited for the call time. We just talked like we used to. Your sister and brother in law sat somewhere else while I sat with you.

When it was boarding time, I started to cry. Tears just came. Sobs came. I was such a mess. Your sister said goodbye, your bro in law said see you soon. I? I didn't know what to say, but just cry.

I felt num. Nothing. But I heard you say don't cry, its fate. That didn't want us to be together. And, well, he just put his lips on mine.

Not like those usual pecks on the lips he used to give me. But more firm, more emotion. I could see a tear from his eye. I felt his hand on my face. I wanted the world to freeze. Really.

'Goodbye...'

*I am just very very very very very very emo after having a caffeine and sugar withdrawal...one symptom that is like the devil's arse after taking 3 in 1 coffee*

Sunny

It’s the day already, the day. As I sat on the ledge by the window, watching the stream of raindrops sliding off the window screen and just zone out into a sleepless dream. I remember as a child, I would always find two raindrops and watch them race down, thinking to myself which would reach to the bottom first. I smile at the thought. It’s time. I took my coat and an umbrella and walked out the door to the florist.

Just the other day, my colleague, Georgia asked me, “So Sammy, how are you going to spend Father’s day with your dad?” I smiled and said, “I am giving him a flower…” The other colleagues heard what I said and snickered, “A flower for an old man? That must be the cheapest gift anyone would give to an old man. What a cheapskate!” They do not know what the reason of this.

I went to the florist near my apartment. The florist lady knows me well enough what I am going to buy. “Hi there Samantha dear…here to buy some Sunflowers again?” she asked. She has a little twinkle in her eye when she smiles. I smiled back and nodded. She went behind the counter and took out the biggest Sunflower. “I knew you were coming anytime soon, so I saved the best one for you. Here you go, dear…” She wrapped the stem of the flower and handed it to me. I handed her some money and said goodbye. “Say hi to your dad for me!” I heard her say just before I left her shop. She does not know what is going on.

As I walked to my destination, my mind wandered off again. It was way back when I was just 5 years old. Pa always would push me on the swings. That was my first memories of him and I. From the beginning, it was just the two of us. As I got older, I found out Ma passed on just a month after I was born. Ma’s good friend, Aunt Lucy had been in and out in my life ever since I was born. She was helping Pa take care of me while juggling with his job. Even though I don’t see Pa often during the day, he would always come back home with stories from the outside world.

When I was 6, I started going to school. I remember the first week I cried nonstop. Pa didn’t send me off to the first day of school because of work, Aunt Lucy did. And I was terrified with the amount of strangers there. On Friday though, he sent me instead of Aunt Lucy. I started crying when I saw the gate of the school. Pa said something that made me rethink about school then. “Sunshine, school is a place that makes your dreams come true…”

I smiled at that memory. I remember thinking of dreams that would come true then; being a princess at a magical castle, riding a pony and etc. You know, little girl dreams. But little did I know then, those little girl dreams really made me who I am, a writer and journalist. Ever since that day, I enjoyed school.

I remembered the little moments I have that I enjoyed with Pa. Eating ice cream in the middle of the night, playing baseball in the rain, drawing stick figures about people on TV are some of the many I remember. I used to love Sunflowers, Pa too. We would walk pass the florist or the flower garden and just admire them. He would bring me to the beach and build sandcastle, and watch them being destroyed by the strong waves at the end of the day. I remember one thing he did that I loved, which is him carrying me in his arms and go in circles, like a human merry-go-round. By the end of it, we would be on the floor giggling and laughing in dizziness.

Pa became much more stable in his job during my junior high and high school years. One day during my senior year, he brought me out shopping. It was weird, because I normally only go shopping before schooling semester starts, and I only buy essential things like stationary and shoes. “Pa, why are we going to the mall?” He smiled. “My little Sunshine Sunny is buying a dress for prom…” At that moment, something changed. I became an adult in front of his eyes. But at the same time, I am still his little girl. In the end, I have chosen a very simple blue dress. On the night of my senior prom, he drove me to the community hall. Aunt Lucy was with me too. “Come on Johnson, take a photo with your daughter, she looks pretty fine tonight!”

I opened my purse. The photo of Pa and me that night is always in there. In the picture, I was holding a Sunflower. Pa gave it to me. He knew I loved them so much. He always called me his Sunshine Sunny, his beautiful Sunflower. He is always my pillar of strength. He was there when I graduated from high school, entered college and university, he also saw me fall in love with William, my then boyfriend and current fiancé. He saw and experienced all of my life events with me, except two, me getting married and him carry his grandchild in his arms, something he always wanted to experience but didn’t have the chance.

Pa was diagnosed with stage 3 brain cancer. We only found out about his cancer when suddenly he couldn’t feel any feeling in his limbs. William and I rushed him to the hospital, only to find out that the cancer is at a terminal stage after each test done on him. Even the doctors couldn’t predict how much time he has left to live.

I was heartbroken. I cried and somehow didn’t know how to live like a normal person. I sleep little, I didn’t eat. I would be in my pajamas all day, never go out at all. I couldn’t function as a person anymore. William tried many ways to make me smile, get me to eat and try to relax, telling me it’s going to be okay, but I knew it won’t be. In front of Pa, I was strong. But Pa knew me well enough I was upset. His legs have lost their energy to walk; now he uses the wheelchair to move along. His eyesight became blurred because of the tumor. But he still tries to make me smile and laugh, just like we used to. “Samantha dear…I am alright, leave the worry out of you…I don’t need it.”

One day, William visited Pa in the hospital with me. I brought a Sunflower and put it in a vase. I knew he loved it, as much as I do. We sat beside his bed. There were tubes and needles in him, to feed him and hydrate him. I felt pain seeing him like this. It was his 6^th month after his diagnosis. You could see his health deteriorating each week. He became from a well-built man, to a tiny, lifeless body on the hospital bed. When William and I got there, Aunt Lucy was there already. We chatted for a bit when William asked Pa something. “Mr. Conner, I would like to ask you for your daughter hand. I would like to marry her…” I was surprise to hear this. Pa smiled weakly. He turned to me and asked, “Sunshine dear, do you love this lad here?” he said in a slurred voice. The tumor is making him harder to speak. I could feel tears in my eyes. I nodded a yes. In cue, William took out a ring and knelt. “Samantha Conner, would you marry me?” I remember nodding with tears. I could see Aunt Lucy crying with joy. I could see Pa smile with tears in his eyes. I knew he was happy.

But he couldn’t walk me down the aisle. I knew that. He couldn’t send me off. He did not have the energy to. The final few days, he had been having seizures, fits, vomiting, and cramps all over. His body is rejecting any treatment. The doctor asked me to sign the DNR form, DO NOT RESUSITATE Form. I was broken into pieces after signing that. William did one thing he knew, is to hug me tight. Pa fell into a deep coma. Whenever I cried holding his hand, I could see a tear slide from his eye.  A week after that, he passed on. He had organ failure, his heart, his lungs, his liver and his kidneys all gave up one by one.  When he died, it took me months to understand reality. When I did, it took me many more months to heal myself. I felt nothing but pain for many months. I was blessed to have Aunt Lucy and William with me to help me move on in life.

As I walked towards the cemetery, I met by William, he came straight from work. “Hey dear…” he said, and gave a peck on my cheek. I hugged him tightly, and we walked together to Pa. It has been 2 years since he passed on. I put the Sunflower on his tombstone: ‘Here lies Johnson Patrick Conner, a beloved father and a loving husband.’ “Hi Pa…” I said. I rubbed my bloated stomach. “Pa, Will and I brought our own little Sunshine to see you. Say hi little one…” I was 6 months pregnant. I opened the letter Pa gave me before he passed on. He must have written it when he could still move his fingers. I have read this letter many times before; I could even memorize the words in the letter, but reading it makes it feel like Pa is always there, never left.  William hugged me tighter and read with me in silence over shoulders.

“Hello Sunshine,

I know I have little time left. By the time you and William have read this, I may not be around anymore.

I don’t really know what to say, but I just want to tell you I love you. Don’t be too sad. I would still be with you in spirit. Take care of William, I know he will take care of you too. William, if you reading this, take care of my daughter. I have passed my task of protecting my Sunshine to you. Take good care of her.

To my future grandchild/ grandchildren, love your parents, they are not always there with you. I love you too.

Love,

Pa”