Thank you for that, my love

I remember only being consciously aware I was this close to you. Less than an arm's length. Having my bag on my lap, and my hands folded on top of it, not only to look polite while sitting, but also to stop my knees from shaking nervously, and to hide how sweaty and warm my palms felt like. Sitting just inches beside me, was you. I could feel the constant flow of breath when you inhale and exhale. It was just an awkward few minutes as the show started, and when the lights had dimmed down, dark enough that I could only see when you I glanced at the corner of my eye. Not daring myself to move at all, I could feel my body being tensed from the nervousness and my head dizzy from constantly holding my breath in.

As the music started and the curtains rolled open, your hand slowly crept up next to mine. Elbow literally just next to mine. You placed your hand on top of the back of my hand and just left it there. Not sure if you ever remembered that I was a tad claustrophobic and terrified of physical contact, you just left it there, just letting me get used to it being there. Halfway through the first act, your fingers slowly crept into mine, intertwining yours with mine. I remembered you asked, "You alright?" The same phrase you had always asked whenever we talked on the phone, you text me, before I go to bed, and the first text in the morning after "I love you..." I didn't trust my voice to speak, I just nodded.

Not sure if you sensed it, but I was still nervous around you. You started to draw circles with your thumb on my palm, and I'm not sure why, that actually soothe my nerves a bit. I remember in between the second half of the show, I had a migraine from trying not to cry. I remember just not wanting you to worry for me at why I was crying. Only towards the ending of the show, I felt more like myself, much more comfortable around you.

I remember very well that you leaned in towards me, wanting to kiss me, on the lips. I turned instinctively, and well, your lips landed on my cheek instead. I remember trying to stifle a giggle after that.

I remember I hated pictures at that time, but a friend of mine insists that I should take a photo with you. I remember hating but also loving that particular photo. I remember after you've gotten a copy of the photo, you had it in your wallet and you mentioned that your mum asked who was I when she saw it. That photo is still somewhere in my safe keeping, but I do not plan to look at it now anymore.

I remember before I left the venue of the show, you whispered into my ear "take care, I love you..." and planted a kiss on my cheek. I remember giving you one last hug and also a kiss on the cheek and left.

I never ever been so quiet in my life actually, thinking back right now. No doubt, this had been nearly 5 years already, and that you've broken my heart rather badly that it took me nearly 2 years to heal it. I doubt after you, I would have closed my heart to everyone and build a wall around it again like how I used to. But, I didn't. I am just happy I can use this particular memory that I remember everything in detail when I sing now. How much so I wanted to forget what had happened between us, but I think, it will never be forgotten at all as it is rekindled again whenever I sing about love.

Thank you for that, my love.

End Semester recap

Reading my last post, I remember the pain and disappointment I felt at that time. How embarrassed I was actually at that time. But looking now, close to four months after that, I've seen so much more hardships that literally pull me to the bottom. Never thought I could be in a place that was so low, all in the span of a month. I've seen people who I thought were to be humble at themselves, become so arrogant and egoistic. I've seen people who I thought I can trust, became someone I have to be aware of around. And so much so, I have to be careful at what I say, write or speak about now, regardless on social media or in real life. It's actually affecting me psychologically but I am not ready to give up yet. I am too far in to give up now.

As for singing, I actually lost my voice during that crazy one month of constant rollercoaster rides. From so many different stress and exhaustion, sleepless nights, stressful academics, too many repertoire to learn and finish in the semester, and also personal struggles. I lost my voice because I couldn't let myself rest, I couldn't let myself be happy, and I was always comparing with myself each week constantly. I know comparing isn't good. In the last post, I swore to not compare myself with others anymore. Then, I shifted my whole mindset into knowing, get the right technique out. It was still a killer to me in the end.

But I am so happy to have met new friends who helped me throughout these four months. They changed my perspective of singing and I think its best to be in that way for now. I am still young, and very young in my singing journey. Four years, it isn't very long comparing to others. I should stick to stuff that suits me and help me to improve. Singing what I want or what I like, is going to kill me into an early death. Choosing the things I should constantly work on now, and also learn to enjoy the stage fully without a care in the world. Which in the end brings me to joining competitions just to enjoy the stage, whether or not I get any outcome, is useless. Its killing to think that I must gain something as a prize or as recognition. It just feeds the ego. I just want to learn to enjoy the music and enjoy the stage. Whatever mistake or whatever things that I need to change to improve, I will do it after the performance, that's it. No more comparing, no more trying to feed my ego, no more trying to improve at a quick pace.

-learn the healthy way of singing, regardless how long it takes. My voice is young, it can't take a lot of stress and drilling.
-learn to enjoy myself on stage and in the music. Submerge myself into it.
-learn to rest when I need it and not push on. It will burn me and tire me.
-know when my voice need rest too.
-refrain from being egoistic and act as if I know so many things. It won't help much in the learning process.

All and all, learn to just enjoy the moment and your own instrument. And let all negativity out of the door.

Let the new semester be a healthy and yet fruitfull one! =)