Wednesday, January 25, 2012

If I were a Boy

When I was a very young girl, I always envy the boys my age when they could play in the mud and play rough games. I envy them that they could wear pants instead of girly skirts and dresses. Since young, I had always wanted to be a boy so that I could rough it out with the boys. But my Mama never allowed me that. She let me grow my hair really long. She would braid my hair in pigtails and ponytails with colourful ribbons and rubber bands. She would comb my hair til it became soft and smooth. I remember I was only five at that time. I hated my long hair then because it was hard to play with kids my age then.

I remember when I was ten, I persuaded my mum to let me cut my hair really short and let me wear t-shirts and pants. She agreed. I remember being so ecstatic! I remember thinking that I could be like the boys and play like them! But Mama wasn't please. She want me to be like other girls, but I didn't care. 'Finally, I could be a boy!

Once I hit puberty when all the hormones started kicking in, I started to let my hair grow longer than my previous hair length. Soon, I started becoming more self conscious about my attire and my looks. I suddenly became shy with boys my age. I felt like a girl then. At thirteen, I had a crush on a boy in my class. By fifteen, I had my first boyfriend. For two whole years, I felt like I was in heaven! It was so sweet to fall in love. I really fell uead over heels in love with him. But it ended after two years. By the end of the relationship, things had changed. His attitude had changed. His feelings for me had changed. When he wanted to end this, I was crushed. I cried and cried for weeks.

Soon, I had no more tears left to shed. The wound in my heart was healing with time. Then suddenly I thought, 'What if I were a boy?' I would do what guys my age then would do, I would go out with my buddies and have a beer. I would try and get girls I would be interested in. If I were a boy, I would try to understand how my girl would feel, so I could be a better man. If the relationship goes on to the next stage, I would marry the woman I loved. I would listen to my wife. If I were a boy, I could try and understand my wife. I know what hurts her when a girl loses something precious to her. I know what would hurt her, when she was taken granted, which destroyed everything the once had.

I would switch off my phone and tell my friends it had broke. But this would only show that I am sleeping alone. I will try to think of ways to win her back because I know deep down, she will be faithful to me, just waiting me to come home. But I would be taken aback, thinking she would forgive me. Thinking that I would be given a second chance. I remember her words that cut me: "It's a little too late for you to come back, say it's just a mistake, thinking I'd forgive you like that, if you thought I would wait for you, you thought wrong."

But then, you are a boy. You would not understand how a girl would feel, and you will never will. You would never know how to love a girl. But you still want to be a better man.

But you don't listen to her. You don't care how it hurts. Until you lose something precious to you or something dear to you, you took something for granted. You destroyed everything that you once had. But then, you are just a boy.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Miles Apart

















All of this just started on a social forum on the internet. Someone posted a cute photo of himself. When I saw the photo, I smiled. It looked so cute and funny, yet, endearing. It was a photo of him when he was just three; he took the photo of his young self and retook it at the same place after many years later. The black and white photo from the past merges so well with the bright colours of present time. So, I decided to reply the person:

“@MattinP01-Hey, this looks so cute. =)”

Somehow, I waited for him to reply, which was something I wouldn’t do in any of the social sites. But heck, I wouldn’t even comment a stranger’s photo in the first place. But this time, I don’t know what has got into me. After nearly an hour of waiting, I suddenly felt stupid of waiting and even more stupid that I even commented the photo. I decided to just leave my laptop and do something more decent.

That night, I went back to my laptop to find some songs to download when I noticed someone had replied me and there was a private message for me. I clicked opened the reply:

“@Caithlin1234- Thanks Caithlin, I suddenly had this wild idea of doing this. =)”

I smiled. I don’t know why, but I actually smiled at his reply. Then, I opened the private message. Right before my eyes was the sender’s name: Mattin Pierre. Suddenly it just hit me; it was the same guy who just replied my comment. I quickly clicked on his message:

*Mattin- Hello, my name’s Mattin, and you’re Caithlin, right? =)

Somehow, this Mattin guy doesn’t feel like a stranger to me. So, I decided to reply him.

*Caithlin- Yeap. =) So, let me guess, you’re a French?

He replied!

*Mattin-Yeap. =)

This went on and on and on, until we added each other of facebook, skype, myspace, and whatever other social network we both had. Soon, we even went on webcam. We talked to each other daily, shared about our interest, our hobbies, our dreams, even our secrets too. One thing led to the other, I suddenly fell for him. I actually thought that I was just having a mere crush on him. But as days passed, that feeling became even more stronger than I could have imagine. I always look forward to those long chatting sessions we always would have. I felt like he could relate to my problems and understand me like no other did. But then, I didn’t even know whether was he single, or taken.

After nearly six months of knowing each other, he suddenly dropped the bombshell which I never had and never will regret about it. It was during on one of our skype sessions. “Hey Caithlin, what type of guys do you fall for?” he asked with that sweet French accent that I always loved. I pretended to think about it but I already knew the answer to that. “Well…someone sweet and caring, someone who also understands me well. Someone who always makes me laugh when I am sad, and most importantly, someone who likes me, for me.” I replied. ‘Someone like you…” I thought. He suddenly became nervous. “I…erm…I have to go. Bye.” And he left. I felt sad. That day’s skype session was shorter than usual. Suddenly, I heard a soft beep. It was a private message from Mattin:

“Caith, I wanted to tell you just now in skype, but I guess I chickened out. Caithlin, I love you…since the first time I replied your comment. I will understand if you don’t feel the same way for me.”

My heart skipped like a million beats per second. He felt the same way for me too! I don’t know how to reply him. But in the end, I left my number and asked him to call.

I waited, and waited, and waited. It felt like an infinity. I even started bitting my nails. Suddenly, I heard my phone rang. The caller ID was a foreign number. I quickly answer the phone. “Hello?” It felt odd hearing Mattin’s voice over the phone. When I heard his voice, it felt like every problem in the world didn’t matter to me. But then, there was this awkward silence between the both of us. I tried to break that. “I…er…I feel the same way too…” And right after that, he hunged up. I stared into my phone, trying to think what had I said wrong. A few seconds later, he went on skype. “Caith, are you serious?” he asked. I could see the excitement in his eyes. I tried not to blush. I just gave a nod. I heard him screamed in glee. Since then, things went on great for us.

For the whole two years, we kept the fire in our relationship strong through many skype sessions, phone calls and many sweet letters. I remembered the first letter he had sent to me on my 17th birthday.

“Dear my sweet Caith,

You are one year older now, sweetheart. I am really happy to have known you, and to have you be my girlfriend. I really love you, and miss you too. Here’s something for my favourite girl on her day. =)

Ily and Imy.

Love,
Mattin


He gave me a beautiful bracelet with both my initials and his were carved: MP loves CJ. It was so sweet. I also sent him some things on special occasions. After 2 long but great years together, we decided to meet, not through skype but face-to-face. We swored and pinky-sweared through skype that I will go to Mattin’s country next summer holidays. We both counted the days till summer.
And when it finally came. I couldn’t wait to finally hug him, kiss him. I remember being so happy packing my bags. My sister, Paige staring intently what I was doing. “Sissy, why are you so happy?” I smiled and ruffled her hair. “I am going to meet someone special…” I didn’t remember anything else after that. The next thing I knew, I was at the airport, hugging my parents and little Paige. I had some tears but my heart was bursting soon. Another 19 hours and I can meet the guy who had stolen my heart!

When the plane landed, I suddenly felt nervous. I didn’t know what to expect from Mattin. Will he change when he sees me now? I remember nervously walking out from the departure hall, trying to find Mattin. Suddenly, I saw a guy running towards me, smiling. He ran up to me and hugged me tight. “Caith! I don’t believe this!” He hugged me and carried me in joy. I suddenly felt so happy too. We kissed each other like there was no tomorrow. He helped me carry my bags, his other hand hugged me in the waist. He whispered many, many ‘I love you’s into my ear and kissed my cheek many, many times. I felt so happy.

I was going to stay at his place for 13 days. We tried to made up for lost time and practically spent every single second together. For the first week, Mattin brought me to various places in Paris. It was so beautiful to begin with. But, I didn’t care about anything around me. My world then revolves only around Mattin. Meeting him for the first time, I noticed so many characteristics I adore, which made me love him even more. His soft grey and green eyes, his crooked grin, his sweet smile, oh my gosh, I love him!

The second week, I told him we don’t really need to visit the many tourist spots in Paris. “I just want to be with you Mattin...” I said. He smiled and gave me a peck on my lips, “Ok, Mademoiselle Caithlin. What do you want to do?” he asked. I grabbed my DSLR and whispered into his ear, “Just follow me…” and kissed him. I took him and brought him to a lake nearby. I asked a tourist to help us take some photos for us.

During sunset, I was looking at the beautiful red hues. Suddenly, I felt Mattin’s arms sneaking around my waist. “What are you thinking, Caith?” and he kissed my temple. I let my body sink into his, “I was just thinking how perfect is this. Mattin, you know I love you, right?” He hugged me even tighter. “Oui, Caith. You know I do…”

For the rest of the time I was there, I felt so happy. It was the happiest moment in my life.

When it was my time to leave, I cried. I didn’t want to leave Mattin. I remember crying while I was packing. Mattin tried to comfort me, saying that he will come to my country to see me again. He helped me pack my things and carried them into a cab. During the twenty minute ride to the airport, I held his hand as tight as possible. I didn’t want to forget that feeling when I get back home.

In the departure hall, I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. He hugged me, and kissed me. I could see the tears in his eyes too. Because of that, I was sobbing again. He kissed me on my cheek, he kissed me on my forehead, and he kissed me on my lips, just trying to soothe and comfort me. When I heard my flight, we both knew I had to leave. I hugged him tight, and he hugged me even tighter. I didn’t want to leave. “Caith, this is for you, opened it when you are on the plane. Caithlin, remember, je t’aime…” He gave me a small parcel. He walked me to the departure hall and kissed me one last time and ushered me to go. I waved and waved at him. I hopped on the escalator and waved even more. Tears streaming down. I waved till I couldn’t see him anymore. I wiped my tears dry, but the pain was still there. I was oblivious of my surroundings. The next moment, I was in the plane.

I suddenly remembered about the small parcel Mattin gave me. Inside the parcel was a silver ring, a photograph and a letter. I opened the letter and read it:

“Dear Caith,
I gave you this photograph and this ring so that you can remember me and our time here at Paris. This ring is a promise ring. I promise you that I will come over to visit you. I have one exactly like yours too and I am wearing it now. Caithlin, I love you, and I miss you already.

Love,
Mattin”

I twirled the ring in my fingers a little while before putting it on my ring finger and smiled. I wiped the remains of my tears. I looked at the photograph and laughed. Behind the photograph, it wrote:

“To hold one another,
To kiss each other,
To hug each other
To cry together,
To laugh together.
Caithlin, I love you..."

*The photo is actually the photo you saw above. Enjoy! "

P/S: This story was inspired by a video and if you noticed something similar as this, it means that is the video! =)
Pp/S: The photo was from 'Dear Photograph'. Another site where I got my inspiration from. Credits to them. =)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Letter to Julie

This story was inspired by a mandrin song from my favorite singer, enjoy. :-)



Dear Julie,


I know you are sad and angry at yourself, but it’s not your fault. It’s his fault. You are right all the time, what your conscience tells you are correct. It was correct for you to leave him, serves him right. You are not at wrong to leave him. He was cheating on you, for goodness sake. I know he is your first love, but such love won’t last long.


I remember the last time we met, you told me your relationship with him was on the brink of splitting. I asked whether you were alright, you just gave me a small, sad nod and changed the subject. Suddenly, you just asked me about the weather. You laughed that the wind was strong. I ever remember your exact words when the huge winds hit. “Oh my gosh, the winds are so strong!” you said, and gave a laugh. Your hair looked wild when the winds blew. You looked so beautiful. When I heard you laughed, it broke my heart. The laugh didn’t sound like your old happy-self. It sounded…sad. I knew that you were trying to cover up whatever sadness you had in your heart, but I could see you were frustrated at wherever your relationship was going to.


It less than a few seconds, you cried. It hurts me more to see your tears. I let you lean on my shoulders to cry on, hoping you would feel better. Your tears flowed so much, like you were just letting out all the anger and sadness that was bottled up so long. I hugged you tight, hoping it would calm you and comfort. I wonder the tears had taken away a bit of your sorrow. I feel sad that you are struggling with this bad relationship with John. I should have told you that he is a bit of a womanizer before you guys got together. But then, I thought that maybe he had changed and really had found the perfect girl for him. I guess I was wrong.


I know it hurts to find out he was cheating you, and I know you still love him. You are young, and already struggling with love. I know if I had told you earlier on, it may just be crap for you. But Julie, I love you too, even before John had fallen for you. I just didn’t have the guts to tell you so. I only could smile and pretended to be happy for you two. I really wanted to tell you how I feel, but the two of you are important to me. John is my best buddy; you are the girl I love for a long time. I just couldn’t risk anything. So, the only I could say to you is, love is always nice, honest and not boastful. Love is like a long vacation, to enjoy and be happy.


Now that you had left him or vice versa, you have to pick up and just move on. After a relationship, it is always hard to pick yourselves up and just dust yourselves clean for the future. Whether or not the relationship was bittersweet; if the fool was bad, forget all about him. He is not one second of your worth. Your every tear is never worth for the bastard. There are many more other men that worth your time and love. You can choose anyone of them; you are beautiful now and ever. I really wish to see you smile and laugh happily again. And sometimes, I wish the reason of that smile is because of me. I miss how the corners of you eyes creases when you laugh, you looked so beautiful with your eyes twinkle when you smile. Your smile reminds me of the bright yellow sunflower, so pretty. Julie, it will make you feel better if you forget about John. Even though he is my best friend, I will not bother with his womanizing life. Just forget about him Julie, okay?

Julie, stop lying to your own self. Stop saying that you don’t blame him; you will just end up thinking about him a hell lot more. The more you do so, the more your feelings for him won’t go away; it will still be there, haunting you night and day. You might not even figure what to do with yourself. You might not be able to think for yourself. I think that you never thought so much of this pain and sadness will have so many other consequences.


Julie, forget about him. I have been trying to tell you this, face-to-face, that I love you a lot. I guess, I just tell you this here, now. Julie, you are beautiful for whom you are, and I love you.


Love,
Robin

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Regrets and Guilt

Walking down the aisle of the small chapel, not for a wedding. But for the departure of a good friend, a best friend, more than a friend. His soul left the world, all because of me. If I hadn't did anything during the ride, his life would have been spared.

Nearing the dark mahogany coffin, I saw his shiny blond hair. His once tan face looked pale under the light. He looked so serene in it, like he was just sleeping. I went and touched his face, it felt as cold as ice. My fingers swept his hair, and his forehead, near his eyes, eyes that only I had seen it last. Nobody knew how or why he died, but I knew, he died because of me.

It was just days after graduation,Paul and I decided to go to a beach to celebrate post-graduation. It was a really sunny day and both of us just wanted to spent some time together, alone. Paul was driving when I suddenly thought of tickling him. If I ever could go back to that time and stopped myself from doing so, I would do it without another thought, since I knew what were the consequences.

I tickled him. I loved the way he laughed, the way he eyes would twinkle whenever he do so. I love the way he forehead would creased up whenever he smile. But, if I knew that doing so would cost his life for me, I knew I shouldn't have done so.

When I tickled him, he laughed, trying to move away from my mischievous fingers. But I still trying to tickle him somemore. But I didn't noticed an oncoming car. He did. Before the car hit ours, he braced his arms around me. I suddenly got frightened. But his warm eyes calmed me in an instant. But those warm eyes didn't stay long. Soon, a glassy pair of eyes replaced. I felt blood around his back. Something sharp had pierce the back of his body. I screamed as loud as I could in fear, before I drifted into the world of darkness.

The next moment when I drifted back into consciousness, it wasn't long I knew Paul had left me. He had left me, his parents, his sister, his family. He left us, to save me. Everyday I live in regrets and guilt, everyday just thinking if I hadn't tickled him, he would still be with us. If he hadn't save me, he might still be alive, and I might be in the coffin instead of him. But no, it was him in the coffin and me, alive without a single scratch.

I felt many emotions during the funeral; sadness, anger, guilt, regrets and many other more. For several nights, I cry before I sleep, just thinking what I have done.

Here in the chapel, where everyone weep. Tears of regrets just flow.

Nobody knows, how Paul had died and I am still alive. Only Paul, me and God knows how.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Soldier's Love

“Tanya, is everything done in the kitchen?” I was getting the food ready for my anniversary dinner with Jeremy tomorrow. It was our second wedding anniversary and I wanted to have a surprise dinner for him when he comes back from his posting in Iraq. Jeremy’s mum, Molly was helping me feed Helen, my one year old baby. I couldn’t wait for him to be back, Helen and I really miss him. I invited some of Jeremy’s platoon mates’ wives too. He is going to invite some of his mates.

It was the day of our anniversary. I made some minor adjustments and the party was ready to start. Soon, I saw a few of the girls have arrived. Molly was with me too. I carried Helen and introduced her to the girls. ‘Where is Jeremy?’ I thought. While we were chatting happily, we saw a MPV driving up my street. I saw the army badge on the car. Suddenly, my heart skipped a beat. I held Helen closed to me. Molly saw the car too, and came to hug me. The girls saw it too, and the atmosphere became solemn all of the sudden. I know what the silence meant, which of our husbands had been sacrificed himself at the war. When the car came to a stop, two men in soldier attire stepped out. One of them was holding a letter. When they finally arrived at the porch, they gave a salute and asked, “May I know who is Mrs. Sherwood?” Molly and I went up. “I am Frank Sherwood’s wife, this is Jeremy Sherwood’s wife…” she said while pointing to me. The men turned to me. My heart literally stopped beating then. ‘No, it can’t be happening…No!’ I was the only thing going through my head. “I’m sorry Mrs. Sherwood, your husband; Jeremy Sherwood had been killed while serving his duty in Afghanistan…” I was stunned, I didn’t expect that. Molly was already in tears. Helen started to cry, I held her closer and whispered soothing words to her.

I was still in a daze; I didn’t know what to do. The news seemed so surreal to me. Two days later, Frank Sherwood came back. I never had seen my father-in-law before and this was the first time. He came back to escort his son’s body back from the army base for the funeral. We met him at the funeral home, where they had put Jeremy’s body for the funeral. Frank hugged his wife and said it was going to be okay. Molly started to sob. Frank comforted her. When Molly was okay, she introduced Frank to his granddaughter. I let Frank carried Helen. “She’s so beautiful…” was the only thing he could say. I went in to the funeral home with them. I carried Helen while Molly and Frank went in to see their son. I saw Molly’s reaction when she saw Jeremy. I thought she was going to faint. Frank held her by her shoulders. I heard Molly saying, “Why, Frank? Why must he go...he’s still so young…Why…?” Frank just patted her on her shoulder to comfort her.

When Helen had slept soundly, I started to walk into the room. But, I couldn’t see Jeremy’s body. No, I wouldn’t want to see him. I walked straight to the chair and cried. Finally, Jeremy’s death had hit me. Reality finally sank in. Tears kept coming while I hugged Helen closer to me. The only words in my mind were, ‘Jeremy’s dead…Jeremy’s dead…’ Molly and Frank came over to me and gave me a hug and words of assurance.

A friend of mine, Ashley, came by and took me home. She spent the night at my place to keep me company. The whole evening, Ashley kept asking, “Tanya, are you okay? Hang in there…” During the whole night, I kept dreaming of Jeremy. That was the only thing on my mind, him. I dreamt about him until I woke up in the middle of the night, crying. I felt tired but my mind was full of thoughts. I kept thinking why God have to take his life away from me, from us? Helen was still so young. Molly and Frank were not ready for all this stress, especially Frank, since he is still in the army.

When I saw the small hand of the clock turned five, I got up to have a shower. The energy in my body was drained out. The dark circles around my eyes were so noticeable. And my face looked sunken in. I gave a sad sigh and went to get my black dress out. I put the dress on and went and get Helen ready. Helen was sleeping soundly while I carried her. Ashley was already ready. Ashley drove us to the church where the service was held. Molly and Frank were already there. Frank asked whether he could carry Helen. I smiled and I gave the sleeping Helen to him. I saw a huge photo of Jeremy in his formal army suit. I went closer to the photo. I was not aware of myself, tracing his face on the photograph with my finger. I tried holding back the tears, but eventually, it gave me a minor headache. Before the service started, Frank carried Helen back to me. I sat beside Molly and Ashley.

The priest led the congregation into prayer and blessed Jeremy. After that, Jeremy’s platoon partner, Steve gave a speech:

“To Jeremy’s friends, family, and loved ones, today is a very sad and solemn day for us, for today is the final journey of Jeremy Sherwood. I would like to tell you all, especially to his parents, Sergeant Frank Sherwood, Mrs. Molly Sherwood, his wife, Mrs. Tanya Sherwood and his darling, beautiful daughter, Helen Ann, that Jeremy Sherwood is a kind and great man. He rather save other people’s life instead of his. He is a hero to many, especially here in the army. He is also a friendly man. He has a great family here, and also in the army. He has a huge family that he cares of there, and also here. I remember him telling me that, family always comes first in his life. Thank you.”

I cried hearing that. I miss Jeremy so much. Before everyone left, we pay our last respects to Jeremy. When it was my turn, I gave a kiss on his cheek. His cheek felt so cold. I whispered, “Goodbye…” and left. I wanted to go home when one of Jeremy’s friends from the army, John came by and gave me an envelope, saying that it was Jeremy’s. I took it back home.

I put Helen back into her bed while I opened the envelope. I instantly recognized Jeremy’s smooth cursive.

“Dear Tanya,
I suddenly had the urge to write this to you and Helen. I want to tell you that I love the both of you. You two are the best thing that ever happened in my life. Help me tell Mum and Dad that, I love them very much too. Remember, I love you.

Love,

Jeremy Sherwood
7th December 2009”

I stared at the date for a very long time. He wrote this letter the day before he died. I started crying again as his words ring clear in my head, “I love you…”

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year

Well, year 2011 has passed and another year had taken its place. The Mayan predictions has stated that the year 2012 may be the Apocalypse of the entire human race. Somehow, this prediction is very far fetched and couldn't really believe it.

Anyways, this was not what I wanted to say about the new year. All I want to say is, if it IS the last year on Earth (which I do hope is not.), I just want to live life like how am I suppose to live if I still have another hundred years. But, honestly, I just want to be happy. =) Happy New Year.