If I were a Boy

When I was a very young girl, I always envy the boys my age when they could play in the mud and play rough games. I envy them that they could wear pants instead of girly skirts and dresses. Since young, I had always wanted to be a boy so that I could rough it out with the boys. But my Mama never allowed me that. She let me grow my hair really long. She would braid my hair in pigtails and ponytails with colourful ribbons and rubber bands. She would comb my hair til it became soft and smooth. I remember I was only five at that time. I hated my long hair then because it was hard to play with kids my age then.

I remember when I was ten, I persuaded my mum to let me cut my hair really short and let me wear t-shirts and pants. She agreed. I remember being so ecstatic! I remember thinking that I could be like the boys and play like them! But Mama wasn't please. She want me to be like other girls, but I didn't care. 'Finally, I could be a boy!

Once I hit puberty when all the hormones started kicking in, I started to let my hair grow longer than my previous hair length. Soon, I started becoming more self conscious about my attire and my looks. I suddenly became shy with boys my age. I felt like a girl then. At thirteen, I had a crush on a boy in my class. By fifteen, I had my first boyfriend. For two whole years, I felt like I was in heaven! It was so sweet to fall in love. I really fell uead over heels in love with him. But it ended after two years. By the end of the relationship, things had changed. His attitude had changed. His feelings for me had changed. When he wanted to end this, I was crushed. I cried and cried for weeks.

Soon, I had no more tears left to shed. The wound in my heart was healing with time. Then suddenly I thought, 'What if I were a boy?' I would do what guys my age then would do, I would go out with my buddies and have a beer. I would try and get girls I would be interested in. If I were a boy, I would try to understand how my girl would feel, so I could be a better man. If the relationship goes on to the next stage, I would marry the woman I loved. I would listen to my wife. If I were a boy, I could try and understand my wife. I know what hurts her when a girl loses something precious to her. I know what would hurt her, when she was taken granted, which destroyed everything the once had.

I would switch off my phone and tell my friends it had broke. But this would only show that I am sleeping alone. I will try to think of ways to win her back because I know deep down, she will be faithful to me, just waiting me to come home. But I would be taken aback, thinking she would forgive me. Thinking that I would be given a second chance. I remember her words that cut me: "It's a little too late for you to come back, say it's just a mistake, thinking I'd forgive you like that, if you thought I would wait for you, you thought wrong."

But then, you are a boy. You would not understand how a girl would feel, and you will never will. You would never know how to love a girl. But you still want to be a better man.

But you don't listen to her. You don't care how it hurts. Until you lose something precious to you or something dear to you, you took something for granted. You destroyed everything that you once had. But then, you are just a boy.