Regrets and Guilt

Walking down the aisle of the small chapel, not for a wedding. But for the departure of a good friend, a best friend, more than a friend. His soul left the world, all because of me. If I hadn't did anything during the ride, his life would have been spared.

Nearing the dark mahogany coffin, I saw his shiny blond hair. His once tan face looked pale under the light. He looked so serene in it, like he was just sleeping. I went and touched his face, it felt as cold as ice. My fingers swept his hair, and his forehead, near his eyes, eyes that only I had seen it last. Nobody knew how or why he died, but I knew, he died because of me.

It was just days after graduation,Paul and I decided to go to a beach to celebrate post-graduation. It was a really sunny day and both of us just wanted to spent some time together, alone. Paul was driving when I suddenly thought of tickling him. If I ever could go back to that time and stopped myself from doing so, I would do it without another thought, since I knew what were the consequences.

I tickled him. I loved the way he laughed, the way he eyes would twinkle whenever he do so. I love the way he forehead would creased up whenever he smile. But, if I knew that doing so would cost his life for me, I knew I shouldn't have done so.

When I tickled him, he laughed, trying to move away from my mischievous fingers. But I still trying to tickle him somemore. But I didn't noticed an oncoming car. He did. Before the car hit ours, he braced his arms around me. I suddenly got frightened. But his warm eyes calmed me in an instant. But those warm eyes didn't stay long. Soon, a glassy pair of eyes replaced. I felt blood around his back. Something sharp had pierce the back of his body. I screamed as loud as I could in fear, before I drifted into the world of darkness.

The next moment when I drifted back into consciousness, it wasn't long I knew Paul had left me. He had left me, his parents, his sister, his family. He left us, to save me. Everyday I live in regrets and guilt, everyday just thinking if I hadn't tickled him, he would still be with us. If he hadn't save me, he might still be alive, and I might be in the coffin instead of him. But no, it was him in the coffin and me, alive without a single scratch.

I felt many emotions during the funeral; sadness, anger, guilt, regrets and many other more. For several nights, I cry before I sleep, just thinking what I have done.

Here in the chapel, where everyone weep. Tears of regrets just flow.

Nobody knows, how Paul had died and I am still alive. Only Paul, me and God knows how.