Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Thank you for that, my love

I remember only being consciously aware I was this close to you. Less than an arm's length. Having my bag on my lap, and my hands folded on top of it, not only to look polite while sitting, but also to stop my knees from shaking nervously, and to hide how sweaty and warm my palms felt like. Sitting just inches beside me, was you. I could feel the constant flow of breath when you inhale and exhale. It was just an awkward few minutes as the show started, and when the lights had dimmed down, dark enough that I could only see when you I glanced at the corner of my eye. Not daring myself to move at all, I could feel my body being tensed from the nervousness and my head dizzy from constantly holding my breath in.

As the music started and the curtains rolled open, your hand slowly crept up next to mine. Elbow literally just next to mine. You placed your hand on top of the back of my hand and just left it there. Not sure if you ever remembered that I was a tad claustrophobic and terrified of physical contact, you just left it there, just letting me get used to it being there. Halfway through the first act, your fingers slowly crept into mine, intertwining yours with mine. I remembered you asked, "You alright?" The same phrase you had always asked whenever we talked on the phone, you text me, before I go to bed, and the first text in the morning after "I love you..." I didn't trust my voice to speak, I just nodded.

Not sure if you sensed it, but I was still nervous around you. You started to draw circles with your thumb on my palm, and I'm not sure why, that actually soothe my nerves a bit. I remember in between the second half of the show, I had a migraine from trying not to cry. I remember just not wanting you to worry for me at why I was crying. Only towards the ending of the show, I felt more like myself, much more comfortable around you.

I remember very well that you leaned in towards me, wanting to kiss me, on the lips. I turned instinctively, and well, your lips landed on my cheek instead. I remember trying to stifle a giggle after that.

I remember I hated pictures at that time, but a friend of mine insists that I should take a photo with you. I remember hating but also loving that particular photo. I remember after you've gotten a copy of the photo, you had it in your wallet and you mentioned that your mum asked who was I when she saw it. That photo is still somewhere in my safe keeping, but I do not plan to look at it now anymore.

I remember before I left the venue of the show, you whispered into my ear "take care, I love you..." and planted a kiss on my cheek. I remember giving you one last hug and also a kiss on the cheek and left.

I never ever been so quiet in my life actually, thinking back right now. No doubt, this had been nearly 5 years already, and that you've broken my heart rather badly that it took me nearly 2 years to heal it. I doubt after you, I would have closed my heart to everyone and build a wall around it again like how I used to. But, I didn't. I am just happy I can use this particular memory that I remember everything in detail when I sing now. How much so I wanted to forget what had happened between us, but I think, it will never be forgotten at all as it is rekindled again whenever I sing about love.

Thank you for that, my love.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

End Semester recap

Reading my last post, I remember the pain and disappointment I felt at that time. How embarrassed I was actually at that time. But looking now, close to four months after that, I've seen so much more hardships that literally pull me to the bottom. Never thought I could be in a place that was so low, all in the span of a month. I've seen people who I thought were to be humble at themselves, become so arrogant and egoistic. I've seen people who I thought I can trust, became someone I have to be aware of around. And so much so, I have to be careful at what I say, write or speak about now, regardless on social media or in real life. It's actually affecting me psychologically but I am not ready to give up yet. I am too far in to give up now.

As for singing, I actually lost my voice during that crazy one month of constant rollercoaster rides. From so many different stress and exhaustion, sleepless nights, stressful academics, too many repertoire to learn and finish in the semester, and also personal struggles. I lost my voice because I couldn't let myself rest, I couldn't let myself be happy, and I was always comparing with myself each week constantly. I know comparing isn't good. In the last post, I swore to not compare myself with others anymore. Then, I shifted my whole mindset into knowing, get the right technique out. It was still a killer to me in the end.

But I am so happy to have met new friends who helped me throughout these four months. They changed my perspective of singing and I think its best to be in that way for now. I am still young, and very young in my singing journey. Four years, it isn't very long comparing to others. I should stick to stuff that suits me and help me to improve. Singing what I want or what I like, is going to kill me into an early death. Choosing the things I should constantly work on now, and also learn to enjoy the stage fully without a care in the world. Which in the end brings me to joining competitions just to enjoy the stage, whether or not I get any outcome, is useless. Its killing to think that I must gain something as a prize or as recognition. It just feeds the ego. I just want to learn to enjoy the music and enjoy the stage. Whatever mistake or whatever things that I need to change to improve, I will do it after the performance, that's it. No more comparing, no more trying to feed my ego, no more trying to improve at a quick pace.

-learn the healthy way of singing, regardless how long it takes. My voice is young, it can't take a lot of stress and drilling.
-learn to enjoy myself on stage and in the music. Submerge myself into it.
-learn to rest when I need it and not push on. It will burn me and tire me.
-know when my voice need rest too.
-refrain from being egoistic and act as if I know so many things. It won't help much in the learning process.

All and all, learn to just enjoy the moment and your own instrument. And let all negativity out of the door.

Let the new semester be a healthy and yet fruitfull one! =)

Thursday, December 10, 2015

As motivation

It has already been about 5 days since, and emotional turmoil still looms. Not only because I did so poorly, that I can never forgive myself. But also, to see people who I know were either not very good or had a shorter term learning, did so much better than me. Sometimes I do wonder why would my voice fail on me on the most important time when I need it. I can't help but feel helpless about it.

But all in all disappointments, I am praying and hoping my voice recovers and returns to normal soon. I am afraid of becoming depressed in these few days or weeks of vocal rest, because I can't practice and give myself motivation to forget the disastrous performance. A part of me wants to continue vocal rest until I know my voice is back in shape, but the other part of me just wants to take any random score I have fallen in love with, and just sing.

Let it be a lesson and also a motivation, to do well in the competitions I am competing next year. And to be able to get top 4 in the finals, so I can just retire in competing locally, and pursue more overseas.

I honestly do not want to compare at all. Comparison to others is very very poisonous, now I noticed. The most I could do is to compare myself with my own past performance. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that I, of all people should understand that a vocal injury needs time to heal, and that performing with it is not good and won't be good. But I can't believe I am that bad on stage.

God, I should really just find ways to make me heal not only my vocal injury, but also emotionally.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

I sometimes don't understand, to do something I really love, and to gain support from the people hold dear to me, is important. Yes, they allow me to do what I really love. But, they don't let me have the way to work on it from different opportunities, they just pull me down. And not only that, they argue and fight and get pissed about it, to the point I don't even want to give a damn. I am so sick of this, of hearing so many arguments about it. I really want to just give up, because of other shit that is pulling me down so much, from finances, from distance, from parental stress, from peers. Is not that I don't want to cooperate, but when I still stay in my parent's house, I still need to adhere to their rules and regulations. Regardless of what I love. Help.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Happy Birthday, love.

Looking over to the sea of green, expecting an aroma of scented tea leaves, but being wafted by the smell of rain. "Is not as cold as I remember now..." I looked over, seeing him looking out at the same green bushes of tea leaves. "You have not been here for a long time, have you?" He just shrugged, "I guess..."

Gotten a cake or two, and a cup of green tea to share, we sat across each other and just enjoyed the slightly chilly weather. I look over at the young man sitting in front of me, thinking, "Damn...I have known him nearly all my life since I was 8. I have dated him for more than 3 years. And here I am, sitting in front of him, thinking back of the past. I remember being so depressed after we broke off. I also remember the times we had when we were still together. It was many years ago, but its still fresh, but I decided to forget it and just enjoy this short getaway.

After the cooling weather of Cameron, we decided to go down to Ipoh. I decided to take a nap while he drove, most probably I might get motion sickness and all. I remember him trying to hold onto my hand, and just pressed onto my wrist, to relieve certain pressure points so that I won't get dizzy. I pushed him away, and told him, "I really do not want to die in Cameron ya'know?" He chuckled and let go of me.

When we reached, both of us decided to just walk around town, and have a bite or two. It was really a nice lunch, and also a nice sight see around. I decided to take a few landscape shots around the town. "What are you doing?" he asked. He put his head on my right shoulder. Mind you, he is a tall dude. I just shrug him off. "Doesn't your back hurt if you do that?" I opened up the gallery and showed him. "That's beautiful..." he replied.

I decided to book a hotel room for myself and not bother his family about my presence there. I did not plan for him to stay over for a bit. We decided to watch some tellie when he suddenly asked, "Hey, what if I decided to come over back here once in awhile?" I looked at him and said, "No...I don't want you to do that. You know very well, that we both aren't what we used to be...and I don't want you to waste anymore money and time on me..." I lie on his shoulder and mumbled, "You need to find someone else..."

"Fine. But, I have something for you..." He took out a burgundy red velvet box from his jeans and opened it. Sitting inside, a dainty necklace with a small crucifix as a pendant. "Happy Birthday love..."

I looked at him, couldn't help but to give a toothless smile. I remember many years back, we both promised to get each other a birthday gift for each other for our 21st birthday, something to signify coming of age of being an adult. I remember last year, I got him a pair of cufflinks, with the letter "J" for each side. Only because, of our chosen middle names, Jude and Joan, something we decided to use as our confirmation name, and also by chance, it was of the same initial. I never thought he remembered my birthday.

I remember him as the young idiot who used to bully and taunt me, scrapped my knee, kinda hurt me emotionally in the past, the young lad who used to be a pain to me, and also become the love in the past. But he was also the one that broke my heart first. He was the one who showed me so much, and I was also the one, who could help him with his temper. Looking at him now, those familiar dark eyes. Without knowing, I actually grazed my fingers on his jaw line.

I removed my then current necklace, which was also of one he had given to me. I pulled my hair  aside to let him help me wear the necklace. I looked into his eyes, and just whispered, "Thank you..."

Just after that, I send him off, telling him to go back home to his mum. I remember telling him after that night, no more gifts, no more presents. He gave me a hug, and I closed a door on him.

Sitting on the bed, and stared at the spot he sat on just moments before. I remember very well, that I wanted to kiss him, but refrained myself from doing so. Because I know I can never stand myself from going through the distance again. And also, I cannot let him leave his mother alone, after his dad passed away. I want him to settle down there with his mum.

I looked at the mirror, and not to look at myself but at the pendant he had given me, and the one thing he had said that made me shiver, as if in the past: "Happy Birthday love..."

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I remember.

I remember being caught of guard with what I felt, with what I was thinking, with what I was speaking. You know, someone once asked that when you felt happy, who was the first person do you think of? That will be the person who have had fallen for. Subconsciously, you know it.

I remember being really pissed at myself to have finally come into realization that I have fallen for you. I tried to actually avoid it. But I know very well it won't work that way. So, for once, I actually let it just go with the flow. If it was meant to be, it shall be. I may be an idiot to have done that. But I was already an idiot trying to avoid something that I will eventually falling even harder.

I remember that I somehow actually enjoyed your company, conversations I had with you, the stuff that we share. I may just be a sentimental person, but little things just somehow get me. But me being me, I won't say a word at all. People who knows me well something is different. But I still will keep my mouth shut about it. I may just be the type of person who just want to see how it all unravel.

I remember actually thinking why all of the sudden, we had been rather close. But me being me, after many heartbreaks and tears, I actually braced myself for what I am putting myself into, because I want to at least be ready if whatever I am feeling has to stop.

I remember being very careful, treading on the thinnest ice. And slowly putting up the walls around me, higher and higher. I know I have to be like this. Because I know he was not the one at all, even though I had fallen.

I remember, very well in fact, when whatever I have felt, needed to be stopped. Because you've found someone already. I was actually ready to stop. To stop feeling, to stop finally being a lil happy. Its really just one sided, just me. But then, for some odd reason I did fall for it.

I remember being happy for you, even till now. But, I also remember, having some tears in my eyes too.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Despite the fact...

"You sure you have to go?"

"Yeah, as if I want to. You know I don't..."

Honestly, I hate listening to conversations like that. I have had those before. And it hurts.

I remember sitting across him, on the day of his departure, while sharing a cup of coffee or two. We had been together for quite some time now, a couple of years here and there. But once I found out he plans to further his studies overseas, I knew it had to end.

"People always says its mutual. But we all know it isn't always that."

"But, is ours mutual?"

I am not even sure. I remember being utterly happy to know he got into the school he plans to further his studies at, but deep inside, a part of me just died. Because he and I know very well, I do not take long distance well. I remember sitting down, just telling him, "I think we need to talk..."

And whatever I said after that was long gone. I could remember how his eyes turned from being puzzled, to surprised, then those sad eyes come next. I remember myself crying, even though I was the one who decided to end it.

"I guess, you could say ours is mutual..."

It hurts to break up when you know very well you are still in love.

"Maybe, I could come back during the summer and the holidays?" he said.

"Yeah, maybe I could do that too, after I finish my final semester, I could fly over and spend the holidays with you..."

I could see his eyes lit up when I mentioned that.

"But...Maybe we shouldn't see each other will be good for us anyway..."

An awkward silence looms for awhile after that. His hand still holds onto mine, across the coffee table, like how it always has been.

I remember how he just suddenly, by accident, tells me he loves me out of the blue. And how he tries so hard to take whatever he has said back, but fails rather miserably. I also remember how he respects my personal space and how I am just so terrified with physical contact, and decides to just kiss me on the forehead. And how he knows me for me, and not how I wants others to see and know me as. That is what I love about him. And still do, despite what the future holds for us.

"Maybe when you get there, you might find another girl who is better than me in so many ways...and maybe I might start dating again..."

"Why do you say that?" he looked at me with those really sad eyes again.

"I mean...what would we be doing then?"

He just looked at me sadly with a side sad grin.

He drew tiny circles on my palm with his thumb, like he always used to.

We both heard the flight announcement for his flight, gates were open and he needs to board soon.

I remember being a daze for both of us walking towards the departure gate. But little did I noticed, he was still holding onto my hand.

In front of the gate, both of us didn't want to let go. " know you need to go..." He just nods. "You knows its for the best right? For us to not be attached? Since its not going to work out even if we ever tried..." He lets out a sigh, and nodded. I gave him a hug, he gave me a kiss on the forehead, it may only be just a couple of minutes, but, its felt long enough for me to take back my words and asks him not to leave.

Holding his carry-on on his left and his passport on his right, he dragged his feet towards the departure gate. I see him trying to catch glimpses of me before he no longer could. I tried to smile as long as I could and just wave him goodbye. But once I lost sight of him, I felt tears just constantly streaming down.

Despite the fact I know how much I love him still, but I know it would never work, this long distance relationship of ours. Not because we won't work hard for it, but that we may stepped onto the wrong footing, and eventually break off on a rocky path. Which is something I will never want. It sucks to break up while still being in love.

*Honestly, this had been bugging me for a couple of weeks to pen this down. Or maybe a couple years since my last break up. Had been constantly trying to not feel down and just try as hard to be productive. Despite being off the dating scene 3 years ago, I still feel a certain way, only because I dig deep into my subconscious mind to find memories and feelings to be used for my interpretation for any particular singing piece I am working on. Maybe that's why I can never let go of my past truly. But this is the only way I can put genuine emotions to whatever I am singing. And the fact I do not write much anymore during the last 3-4 years, is also rather tough for me to handle my emotional level. But nevertheless, something after a long hiatus.*