I am selfish

Ever notice that you would always blame on your ex on your failed relationship? Have you ever wonder that maybe, the reason of the break up is because of you? Well, I have, just a few seconds ago.

I was thinking to myself, why did everything between us failed when we were actually having a great love. It was me. I was scared of letting you go at the end, so I decided to end it earlier to kill off all emotions that we might have later on.

I was well at first and I knew you were a wreck after I told you to forget about me. I was telling myself, 'I can live through this, I know I can.' But little did I know how I wrong I was.

After the first few weeks, I find myself looking back at those sweet past messages you would sent me. And I remember telling myself, 'Shit. I still love him.' But I still continued to ignore you.

Many times you gave me chances to rekindle back the love, but I declined. Until you lost all feelings for me.

Only now I know this will be another roller coaster. Because I did the exact same mistake in my first relationship with my first boyfriend. Now I have both of them in comparison and I can see clearly why both of them ended. It us all because of me.

I was scared of continuing to have stronger feelings for the both of them when they leave for the overseas. I could see so clearly that God gave me a second chance to face my problems again with my second relationship, but I blew it.

Now, its too late. For both of them. One is mourning for the loss of a close family that even I knew and had a warm feelings towards to. No doubt this one had never been together with another girl, but from what I heard from his sister, I knew he was interested with a junior in his college. The other has fallen for another girl near his place. Even he claims to say he still have feelings for me, I knew they were slowly fading off as I see no effort of trying to continue it.

I feel as if I am a horrible person, letting off both great guys because I was afraid of getting hurt. But I am still hurt, by my own doings.

I even could forget the crush I was having the first few months in college because I thought my ex is still waiting for me.

I guess I am selfish. So, its time for me to face my punishment in isolation.