At the deepest, darkest part of my mind, I know I still love you. But why I decided to let you go? Because I know in my heart you had given up your feeling for me, you feel tired of constantly trying to not hurt me by accident, thinking of things to talk about, trying to have a conversation going. But I know all that is just by mere trying too hard.
Not like in the past where we can talk whatever topic till the wee hours of morning. I do wonder where had all that went.
The phobia of heights,
The phobia of crowds,
The phobia of being alone,
The phobia of silence,
The phobia of noise,
The phobia of getting hurt,
The phobia of being happy,
The phobia of falling in love, being in love and falling out of love.
All those heartbreak I had ever faced, made me feel afraid of silence, getting hurt and love.
You knew me through a friend,
Was it my fault you were friends with me?
You started getting to know me better,
Was it my fault you wanted to know me?
You told me you had sudden feelings for me,
Was it my fault for you to fall for me?
You tried to get me and eventually succeeded,
Was it my fault I fell for you?
You made me feel special from others,
Was it my fault to feel that way in a relationship?
You made me laugh, smile and be happy,
Was it my fault to feel all that?
You hurt me many times but I still forgave you,
Was it my fault to give you more than two chances?
You held me and kissed me,
Was it my fault to allow that to happen?
You left me to pursue your dreams abroad,
Was it my fault that I couldn't follow you?
You made me cry everyday and night just thinking of you,
Was it my fault to cry?
You said that it was my fault our relationship fell apart,
Was it my fault too?
You said you were confused at what was happening around the both of us,
Was it my fault that you feel that way?
You toyed my feelings unknowingly and hurt me,
Was it my fault I let you get away with it?
You said it was my fault that I am not letting you move on without hurting me,
Was it my fault I was pulling you away from your life?
Was it ever my fault of ever falling for you, loving you, getting hurt by you?
To me, all the answers to the questions, are yes.
Yes, I am a stupid fool. I am as confused as you, as sad as you, as angry as you but I didn't blame you for any of that. Only to blame you that you never think before you say anything. That's why I got hurt.
Was it ever a mistake, meeting you, knowing you, understanding you?
Well, I guess it is.
(This shall be the last post about you, as I am permanently removing myself out of your life, vice versa.)
I always tell myself, I need both faith and hope in any point in life. I was given a chance to love, and also to be loved. Love taught me how to gain faith and hope. But now, I am just slowly losing myself into things I feel that are pulling me away from it. Studies, stress, personal problems, and even my own passion. Constantly losing sleep, losing my self esteem, my real feelings, losing trust in others and even myself. I am losing my own identity to love, also. I am trying to be as if other people's opinion of a good person. To be honest, I can't really take it anymore. I need something to remind me of faith and hope. I told myself one day that I will tattoo these two words onto myself, just a daily reminder for my own. And if I ever get two daughters, Faith and Hope shall be their names.
I do not know what pissed you off, if it was me, I am sorry. But reality check, I am pissed about you too.
I hate going to weddings, listening to songs that used to mean so much to me, and also, you.
When one accepts your true self,
When one believes in your dreams,
When one thinks you are beautiful when you are standing in a crowd,
When one understands and trusts you,
When one knows how to make you smile when you're sad,
When one is comfortable with your flaws,
When one lends a shoulder to cry on,
When one knows what you are thinking at the exact moment,
When one knows you are the one to marry.
