Life can be vicious?

Sometimes, I would always imagine what the future be like for me, will it be good? Or will it be horrible? Since I was a young child, I'm a person who will be deep in thought, especially when I'm alone. In my younger days, I would always think that my life in the future would be okay and calm, sugar and spice and everything nice. Now as I get older, my perception towards life wavers. There was a point in my life where I thought I could get whatever I want, whenever I want. I thought life revolves around me, not the other way around, or so you say. There was also a point in my life where I would always have negative thoughts in my mind. Everything I see through my eyes will either be a failure, or will backstab me in anyway possible. Even though I know I have people close to me, care about me, but sometimes, I just need to take on life by myself, with no one's help except the Lord's grace. I may seem different from any situation that you may see in me, for example, I may be an extrovert on the outside whenever I'm with anybody. But the truth is, I'm not. I am a person who is actually shy and nervous about life, I am not comfortable leaving my comfort zone, but I try. You may ask me whether or not am I alright, surely, I would nod and say 'Yes...', but there's always a possiblity that I'm not. I may look normal on the outside whenever I have friends around, but deep down, I may have a minor depression but you can't seem to see it. You may ask why am I like that, but, I have no answer to that question. Maybe, I just don't want any symphathy or pity from anybody, or maybe, I just want to lead life as normal as possible. Loads of people say that I have a very good skill in this, or I have a talent in this or any other crap that is suitable in this situation. To tell you the truth, I don't have any particular skill that I would be proud of, even if you think this is a skill. Or anyhow, even if I did, I doubt I feel proud of it.

As the Lord had plan my life for me since before birth, I know I have something to contribute to the society, but, what exactly? Sometimes in hectic moments of my life, I would sometimes even pray for the Lord to take over my life in his power and will. But I know he would never do such thing until the time is right. He had given me the gift/skill/talent/power, whatever you call it, to write to show how I could express my thoughts with the help of a pencil and a paper. In this few years of life, God had given me strenght to continue whatever I had left off or to start something fresh and new altogether. Somewhere along the way, I know there would be problems and nerve-wrecking moments and that's just the obstacles in life. After reading until here, I can assure you that you will ask, "How bad can life be?" My answer would be simple, "Oh, life can be as vicious as you want it to be...it can be so bad till you even feel like you want to die, for goodness sake...bugger." Maybe, the tumoil inside you or everything around you are giving you a nasty headache to begin with, but deep down, you know someone somewhere is cheering you on along the way. I can say this now, it is true. There is someone out there helping you along the way, spiritually, mentally. I know so. Whatever I am lacking now is the self-control over my feelings had left me a few moments ago. I used to be able to control whatever I am feeling previously, but after an incident, somehow, I had just lost that. Whatever it is, I need to find it back, pronto. That is the only thing that could comfort me, after so many sad occasions that had happened in my life the past few years. Once I could numb the feelings that would drive me up the wall, I will turn out okay. Only then, I would say that life is still okay for me. The day I scream to everyone, "I LOVE MY LIFE!", is the day I met someone along the way to help me with all the vicious things life throw at me. And-Wait for it- with God's grace, Amen...