Messed.

I guess not talking to you,
Is a norm for me.
But,
I am not used to not having you,
Like every single second in my life.
I really miss you.
I guess the reason you are still on my mind,
Is because,
You were the last to say you love me.
You were the last to kiss me.
You were the last to hold my hand.
You were the last to make sure I am okay.
I don't know whether I still love you,
Or not.

Thank You Valentine

Valentine's day came and went,
And still you were the one who spent time with me,
Even though you are not mine anymore,
And I am not yours,
But two lonely souls.

Out of the 7 years since I our first V-day,
You were my Valentine for 5 years,
As my boyfriend,
My bestie,
My all,
My friend.

I still love you,
Maybe not the way I used to,
But deep down,
I knew you are still there for me,
As always.

[Thank you Alexander Jude Lim Ming Eng for spending with me another V-day again. I knew I was pretty much a trouble again to you. Thank you Alexandra for 'baby-sitting' the both of us again like we used to all those years ago! And to decide to spend time with me and not your guy. *ohmygosh, I have just made you sound so old!* Hope the presents I gave you both of alright, cause what you both had given me brought back sweet memories of the two of you. Love ya. ;) ]

Hurtful Valentine

* I know this is like a very sad story, but I was feeling down and not up for Valentine's Day tomorrow. I guess I have came to hate this occasion after so many things happened in the last three Valentine's Day. Anyway, I am hoping this is the time where I move on, completely.*

 

It was the eve of Valentine’s Day. I thought I could pull myself together, like how I did for the last 8 months. But when I saw him together with another girl, I knew I couldn’t. I ran back to where I came from; my house, my room, my bed, my solitude for the last few months. I knew I had taken too much time to move on, I knew that he was seeing someone right after we broke off, but seeing it is to believe it.

When I reached back home, tears just come out naturally without warning. The ache in my heart was still fresh as if it was 8 months ago. I knew this has to stop. I took out a piece of paper and my pen and wrote my heart out. I wrote until I fell asleep on the table.

I woke up with the sun shining through my blinds. I rubbed my mildly swollen eyes. In front of me was the ‘masterpiece’ I had done last night.

I wrote:

‘It was painful seeing you, knowing that I still love you. Smiling at all the good things that happened between us, crying at all the hurtful things you had made me feel. For many months I cried myself to sleep, because everywhere was a memory of you; the park, the mall, the beach, the shops, everywhere. I knew at some point this has to stop, when time heals. But, when will that be. You told me I was your forever? You told me that even if we broke up at some point you would still wait for me to embrace you back. All those empty promises you gave, and I listened and waited for you. Now, seeing you chasing after a girl you fell for, I felt as if you had stabbed me where it hurts the most.

Was it my fault that you did this? Was I the reason that we broke up? Maybe it was, but you gave empty promises, and I naively agreed. I was stupid for a reason. Maybe this was it.

You told me when you leave, you would come back to me, but seeing you now, it will never be real. The necklace you gave me was a lie. The words ‘I Love You’ was a lie. Everything you told me before was a lie. I never wished I had ever laid eyes on you. I never wished I would know you. I never wished you exist in my life.

The gifts you gave me, the words of comfort you told me, the jokes you made me laugh, were just a scheme to let me fall for you. After that, you threw me aside like I was a ragged doll. I don’t care whether your feelings for me were ever true. Because the hurt you gave me over and over again was enough to make me forget you.’

I knew it was harsh, it was painful, but that was how I felt the last 8 months.

I let out a long breath and went hunting for things around my house. I found a red ribbon and a used milk glass bottle with a cap on it. I took that paper and along with the other things and left with my bike.

I rode to around town and saw many people with their loved ones walking around. Some had chocolates, some had roses, some had jewelry, some and poetry, but all of them had smiles on their faces. It was painful to watch, still.

I rode my bike to the beach and parked it near a tree far from the water. I took out all the things I had in my sling bag near the water. I took out the paper and read it one last time and tied it with the ribbon. I put the paper into the bottle. I was rummaging through my bag when I found it. The necklace he had given me. I stare at it for a while. All the memories with him instantly came back in my mind. I felt some moisture in my eyes. I took the necklace and placed it in the bottle. I closed the cap tightly.

In less than five seconds, I threw the bottle as far as it could go into the deep blue sea. I saw it disappear. I knew that wouldn’t heal me much, but it was a start in the last 8 months. I knew in time I would be my normal cherry self again. I knew I would be.

Rants

Valentine's day in like a couple of days. I rather stay at home and forget all about its existence than to go out and everything that I held dearly comes back and eat me alive. So I think I would be happier staying at home, until an asshole of a bitch decides to text me a message. Sorry for the strong language. I am just pissed off.

Pinky Promise

*Found this somewhere on facebook, twist the storyline a little. Hope you would enjoy!

 

“Pinky promise that we will get married when we are grown-ups?”

“Pinky promise…”

I was 10, Jacob was 11.

He was my play date since I was 5 in kindy. He was my classmate and partner in grade school. He was my first and only boyfriend I ever dated.

 And he is my husband.

Jacob and I got along very well when we first met each other. I liked being around him. He was the guy who made sure I was safe, I wasn’t hurt, and that I was happy.

We started as boyfriend-girlfriend relationship when we were both 10 and 11 after a ‘pinky promise’ was made. It was silly to both of our parents but to us, we were dead serious. Every day after school, we would walk home hand-in-hand. We live just a few houses away from each other. Sometimes, he would make bracelets from flowers and leaves to give it to me either on my birthday or Valentine’s Day. Often I kissed him on the cheek then. Other kids thought we were crazy. You know, ‘cooties’ and such other problems kids that age would think. Other grown-ups then find us cute and all, but never thinking that this relationship would last. Well, it did, for 11 years.

Throughout our teenage years together, we were like every other adolescent couple, we celebrated Valentine’s Day together, celebrated each other’s birthdays, and just do any silly stuff us teenagers would do. When Jacob was 19, he was enlisted into the army, but then didn’t stop me in this relationship, and certainly didn’t love him lesser. He would get deployed out to overseas for the army, but he would be back by my side soon. I prayed every day for his safety. When he gets back, I couldn’t leave him more than two seconds.

During his stay overseas with the army, Jacob and I would write as often as we could, sometimes once a week, sometimes twice or thrice a week. We would write to each other saying that we belong together forever and always.

21^st December was our anniversary; it was already 11 years being together with Jacob. It was a lucky year as Jacob was not in deployment that anniversary. He took me to my favourite restaurant for dinner. He got me beautiful daisies. I was so happy that year, to be able to be with him.

“Sally, I want you to know how much I loved you for the past 11 years, ever since we made that promise.” he said. I was happy that he still remembered our silly promised as a child. “You are still that beautiful girl, with flaming red hair and breath-taking green eyes.” He continued.

“I also want you to know that once I make a promise, I will fulfill it.”

I was staring at him in curiousity. ‘What is he talking about?’

He took out a red velvet box out from his pocket. He took my hand and kneels down. “Sally, would you be at my side forever and always? Would you love me for another 11 years, 22 years, or even 99 years? Sally, would you be my wife?”

Of course, you know the answer to that. Two months later, we were married. I am a proud army wife to him.

I am married to Jacob for 35 years now with three beautiful children and an intelligent granddaughter. I still love my Jacob to the moon and back, and I know he loves me too, ever since that pinky promise was made.

Melody, Darling

This was a story inspired by a song. While reading this, you could listen to the song 'Little Things' by 'One Direction'. And no, I am not a Directioner, I just like this song. Presenting: "Melody, Darling"

I was married to Kevin for nearly 30 years. Kevin is a quiet guy, never really speaks him mind out for the world to hear. I, on the either hand, was the noisy, out-going one. Maybe that was the reason why I agreed in marrying him, opposites attract, right? But my elder sister was surprised that I even agreed to marry him, 30 years ago. “I remember that you wanted to be like those married couples in the movies where the guys do all those romantic, soppy things to get the girl!” she said when I told her I was engaged to Kevin.

What she said was true; I was a dreamer when I was a teen. I wanted a guy to do all those romantic things during dates. But Kevin was never like that. He was the serious kind of guy and all.  I guess I grew up. People change, right?

I love Kevin for all I know. But I never knew how much he loved me, or that why did he loved me enough to proposed to me. I found out not during the wedding ceremony, but at the wedding reception.

I remembered the night of the wedding reception after the ceremony, I was so happy. All of our friends and family were there to celebrate our wedding. It was before cutting the wedding cake when Kevin decided to call for everybody’s attention. He stood up, took a fork and gently tap it on his champagne glass, giving a clean, and sophisticated ‘Clink-ing’ sound. “Everybody, I have something to tell all of you!” I could hear him say. Suddenly, everything was silent.

He stood up on a chair. I could see how nervous he was up on that chair. I didn’t know what he was doing. I was pretty worried he would fall off the chair. “Everyone, I wanted to say something before we cut the wedding cake.”

He cleared his throat and continued, “I just wanted to say thank you very much for being here today for both Melody and I for our wedding.” I hear a small applause at the back of me. I smiled to see him up there. But little did I know that he was far from over.

“I wanted to tell everybody the reason why I married Melody.

I loved Melody more than I love myself. I know that it is not visible to your eyes how much I loved her because I am not a do-er nor a talker, because I am not really a romantic person. I do try. But today, I want to show Melody how much I love her.

Melody darling, you are my sunshine to my life, the gem of my mind, the story of my future, the one to who would go through the thick and thin with me.

Melody dear, your hand fits into mine perfectly when I hold your hand; I love how you would smile, with those beautiful dimples.

Melody love, I know how you hate to see those crinkles by your eyes when you smile, but your eyes are just beautiful. I know how much you hated those skinny jeans do to your thighs and bottoms, I know how much you hate looking at yourself in the mirror, listening to yourself sing on recording, but I love you for who you are, the adorable, funny, beautiful you.

Melody, beautiful Melody, I know how you needed a drink of warm milk every night before you sleep, I love listening to you sleep-talking, I swear to God to never to say to anyone about the conversations you have at night, even though it made no sense to me. I love how I would trace my fingers on the freckles on your cheeks; you looked like an angel asleep.

I know how you would never love yourself half as much as I love you. But I want you to. I want you to treat yourself right, I want you to love yourself as much as I do.

I want to tell you that I will always be with you whenever you need me. I know that I don’t say all this many times in the past or even the future, but I will try. Because, Melody dear, I love you…”

I remember crying when I heard his wedding speech. I hear a lot of clapping from everybody around me. I saw him walking towards me and he hugged me. I know how much he loved me then and even now.

I would still relive the memory of the speech he gave that night, remembering those exact words, while smelling the beautiful flowers he gets me every day, at 55 years old. I heard the back door opened and someone behind my chair. “Hello Melody darling…” And he kissed me on the cheek.

My birthday ring and promised ring

Surpise birthdays. Sigh. How I noticed I have friends who never do this anymore. The only person who first surprised me was my first boyfriend. My birthday was during the weekday, so he decided to bring me out to surprised me with a gift. I actually was wondering whether had he forgotten about any gift for me like how I had forgotten about his birthday a year before.

We were walking past a shop when he pulled me in. He brought me to the side where they were selling rings.'Bunny head, I wanted to buy this for you, but I didn't know do you like it first, so I booked for the ring and bring you here to see.'

It was a pretty stainless steel ring with hearts on the band. 'Anything you get me is fine by me.' I was never a fussy person.

He found a proper size for me and slipped it on my middle finger. 'I will find another ring in another year as a promised ring'. He did. I kept both rings with me. Sometimes I do wear it as keepsake to remember the 4 remarkable years I had with him.