Despite the fact...

"You sure you have to go?"

"Yeah, as if I want to. You know I don't..."

Honestly, I hate listening to conversations like that. I have had those before. And it hurts.

I remember sitting across him, on the day of his departure, while sharing a cup of coffee or two. We had been together for quite some time now, a couple of years here and there. But once I found out he plans to further his studies overseas, I knew it had to end.

"People always says its mutual. But we all know it isn't always that."

"But, is ours mutual?"

I am not even sure. I remember being utterly happy to know he got into the school he plans to further his studies at, but deep inside, a part of me just died. Because he and I know very well, I do not take long distance well. I remember sitting down, just telling him, "I think we need to talk..."

And whatever I said after that was long gone. I could remember how his eyes turned from being puzzled, to surprised, then those sad eyes come next. I remember myself crying, even though I was the one who decided to end it.

"I guess, you could say ours is mutual..."

It hurts to break up when you know very well you are still in love.

"Maybe, I could come back during the summer and the holidays?" he said.

"Yeah, maybe I could do that too, after I finish my final semester, I could fly over and spend the holidays with you..."

I could see his eyes lit up when I mentioned that.

"But...Maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore...it will be good for us anyway..."

An awkward silence looms for awhile after that. His hand still holds onto mine, across the coffee table, like how it always has been.

I remember how he just suddenly, by accident, tells me he loves me out of the blue. And how he tries so hard to take whatever he has said back, but fails rather miserably. I also remember how he respects my personal space and how I am just so terrified with physical contact, and decides to just kiss me on the forehead. And how he knows me for me, and not how I wants others to see and know me as. That is what I love about him. And still do, despite what the future holds for us.

"Maybe when you get there, you might find another girl who is better than me in so many ways...and maybe I might start dating again..."

"Why do you say that?" he looked at me with those really sad eyes again.

"I mean...what would we be doing then?"

He just looked at me sadly with a side sad grin.

He drew tiny circles on my palm with his thumb, like he always used to.

We both heard the flight announcement for his flight, gates were open and he needs to board soon.

I remember being a daze for both of us walking towards the departure gate. But little did I noticed, he was still holding onto my hand.

In front of the gate, both of us didn't want to let go. "Hey...you know you need to go..." He just nods. "You knows its for the best right? For us to not be attached? Since its not going to work out even if we ever tried..." He lets out a sigh, and nodded. I gave him a hug, he gave me a kiss on the forehead, it may only be just a couple of minutes, but, its felt long enough for me to take back my words and asks him not to leave.

Holding his carry-on on his left and his passport on his right, he dragged his feet towards the departure gate. I see him trying to catch glimpses of me before he no longer could. I tried to smile as long as I could and just wave him goodbye. But once I lost sight of him, I felt tears just constantly streaming down.

Despite the fact I know how much I love him still, but I know it would never work, this long distance relationship of ours. Not because we won't work hard for it, but that we may stepped onto the wrong footing, and eventually break off on a rocky path. Which is something I will never want. It sucks to break up while still being in love.








*Honestly, this had been bugging me for a couple of weeks to pen this down. Or maybe a couple years since my last break up. Had been constantly trying to not feel down and just try as hard to be productive. Despite being off the dating scene 3 years ago, I still feel a certain way, only because I dig deep into my subconscious mind to find memories and feelings to be used for my interpretation for any particular singing piece I am working on. Maybe that's why I can never let go of my past truly. But this is the only way I can put genuine emotions to whatever I am singing. And the fact I do not write much anymore during the last 3-4 years, is also rather tough for me to handle my emotional level. But nevertheless, something after a long hiatus.*

Emotional Pain

I hate feeling physical pain, but emotional, mental pain hurts so much more.

Now, for some apparent reason, I feel pain. From anxiety.

For so long I have not felt panic attacks, sudden emotional breakdown or anything of the likes.

For months, I tried feeling genuinely happy. And I did. Even when there was stress.

I had no relationship stress issues, nor any suicidal thoughts, or emotional breakdown.

And yet, I feel like this now.

I feel only pain. Since I drove back from home.

I feel only pain.

And it sucks.

Why do I feel like this again?

I feel as though I want to break down and have a good cry, but my mind is not letting me do that.

It sucks when this happens.

Now I just feel like crap.

I see no future.

Looking through the fields and beyond, with the solid wind blowing through my hair. Around me, the smell of grass and dirt. With stones and pebbles just below the soles of my feet. I see the swing hanging by the tree. All this is just beyond me. I walked towards it. I hand gently touched the thick, sturdy rope. This swing brought me so many memories. I decided to just give it a spin on the swing. While the swing moves in a pendulum form, my mind wanders back to the depths of my past.

I remember this boy, the one who lives a blocks down. When we met, we were just 8 years old. We would play on this exact same swing all day, he pushes me, and I pushed him. It was so innocent, and yet so much fun. We were friends for so many years, until at 16, we kinda fall more from a basic friendship, to really best buddies. And well, it went odd for me, I began falling for him. Hormonal and all, I did fall for him.

But I could not imagine having him in my future, no doubt I like him. But, I just can't see it.

All I have with me is my own feelings, and a mind telling me its just a phase.

Even now, I feel that way.

I'm sorry

This was found in my phone. I decided to share it. It was from my ex after I went for his father's funeral. I felt so bad that he still likes me. But, not that I don't love him anymore. I still do. But I don't see any future between us. I am sorry. *

Those tiny baby hair that falls on the nape of her neck, 

Wisps of hair runs loose in front of her ear,

Oh so much I wanted to just put those baby hair back behind her ear. 

But, we are no more together. 

Not for the last 5 years. 

Those familiar eyes that I known for so long,

Those lips that always reply me,

That personality that I had fallen for so many years back. 

Now with such a sassy character in her,

And such a voice!

After not listening to her for so long,

Not hearing her sing like that.

But she is no longer mine. 

The Future

When I was 12,
I always wished that I will be in a relationship,
Full of roses and rainbows,
I was young,
But to me,
Love was just a bed of beautiful roses.

I had my wish,
I had a boyfriend during that time,
I was happy.

But,
All puppy love ends.

I was blessed enough to have been in another at the age of 16,
It was never a bed of roses at times,
But there were some moment.
But again,
It ended very sadly.

Now,
If I were to find someone again,
I don't want it to be a bed of flowers,
But to be my future.

That wall

I know this is like my 3rd post today.

But...

 All I could say is, I lost all real feeling by now. I am pretty sure about that now.

Oh well, that barrier is up again perhaps.


And I am now nearly 4 years of abstinence of hard alcohol. Which is good. Right?

But now, I really want a good bottle of smirnoff, or a cup of wine.

SIgh

I am the type of person, who rarely be herself. Not because she is afraid of others' perception on herself, but she was never comfortable to be herself in the first place.

She is the type of girl, whom many thought they know her as herself. Truth is, nobody do. Only the ones who could see her as her own. Does that even make anymore sense?

She is the type of girl who wants to be herself, but it feels as if it was never meant to be.

I guess maybe she has been too much during the past 5 years. I guess I had been through a lot the last 5 years.

I always refer to myself as she, is that weird? Maybe because I am always away from my own mind at times.

She sometimes still cries herself to sleep. Or even tries not to.

The pillow is still the one that feels good to hug, that varsity jacket is still the most comfortable, as if he was still hugging me.

To be honest, I don't think mentally, she could handle anymore of this.

I know for sure she can't, but how to let her know that?

All I could do everyday, is to make myself become very tired with various things to do.