7 Stages

You know, when a person looks back in a relationship they were in, is only when they have broken up. I don't think anyone looks back into a relationship, remembering every single little detail. Nobody in a good relationship would do that, only the ones who misses it.

I watched a video just a couple of hours ago. And it was how this main actress move on from a break up and how to forget about it. She mentioned the 7 stages of a break up:

Stage 1: Shock
Stage 2: Denial
Stage 3: Isolation
Stage 4: Anger
Stage 5: Bargaining
Stage 6: Depression
Stage 7: Acceptance

I somehow find it very true. Well, in my 1st relationship though. I did go through all 7 stages one after the other. I remembered the shock I felt when the relationship was going downhill. I knew it was coming, but I denied whatever I thought wouldn't happen. When it did, I literally just pull everything I thought I once knew back to my own thoughts, my own mental prison. And well, the anger did come. You have no idea how much I told myself that I have gotten over him, I've moved on. But in reality, I haven't. The depression came soon after. The moments when I could cry at night until I no longer can. How I close my own feelings to other people around me. Then, I accept the fact that whatever happened, has gone. Yeah. That was how it went.

But it did not go like that in my 2nd one.

I didn't received the shock of a break up, because I was the one who wanted to break it off. But I did see the denial. I thought whatever happened, is not real. Like, how could it? Then, I have anger. That was prominent, but it did not happened for a short period of time. Well, it was like a tug-o-war, I fell back for him for too many times. So the anger comes back from time to time. When I really know it was over, whatever I felt was gone, isolation stepped in. I literally just put myself in that mental prison of thoughts. I accepted the fact he was no longer mine. And that was the painful part. Best of all, I fell into deep depression. I kept having thoughts of the past with him come up every waking moment. I thought I was getting better, but in a far fetched reality, I haven't.

I am still working on accepting what has happened, even though we did officially broke off 30 months ago. But mentally my mind have just left the depression stage and into accepting.

The video was good nevertheless. And I came across an article saying, "Find a man who loves you more". Twice I did, twice it didn't worked out. So, what now? Still following that same route? Because, in both of my past relationships, the guy fell for me first, then only then I learned to love them. But I got deeply, both mentally and emotionally, attached to them that I have such a hard time to move on.

So, what now?

Strong

Have you ever thought that I could go on without you? I have. Well, maybe so. But, I know I have. I am in a strong present, stronger than ever. And you will see me as that.
And regret not taking hold of me when you said you would.

Left Or Right?

On the road,
With two road forks,
One leading to loneliness,
The other to fulfilment.

I am just sitting here,
In front of the two,
Hoping for a third path,
Called love.

Changes in me

In all seriousness, what happened to me? Back in 2010-2011, I was so happy, a damn happy kid. I wrote so much positive shit on social media that sickens me now? How on earth did I land myself a relationship? How the heck did I survive the break up? I look back at my activity log from 2010 til middle of 2011, I changed so much from reading that. I was naive, I was happy.

Now, I feel like I am not trusting myself a lot now. I don't trust myself to feel again.

What happened?

What Happened?

Its already 2 years, but the feelings have not left me at all.

"I give my all to you, everything I feel for you, is true. Because I love you."

"I hope both of us get married someday...have kids, name the girl Rachel because I like that name. You name the son Daniel because I know you like it."

"I went through your crazy mood swings rollercoaster ride. I must be mad to be still with you."

"I love you. I miss you"

These were some of the things you sad to me. I thought you meant for it to be real? Where is it then?

You left for some other person who you thought who loved you too. Some loyal person you are.

2 years. What happened?

(I can't write anymore fiction stories anymore. NOOOOOOOOOO) :(

Night and Day

I see her eyes,
Those dark hazel eyes,
That twinkle by the sunrise,
And shine by the night sky.

I feel her hair,
Her dark raven hair,
The one that is unruly and bare,
But smell like cotton candy in the air.

I kiss her lips,
Those blood red lips,
The one who smiles from tip to tip,
Those lips I want to kiss.

She is the one that I love,
And the one that I wait,
The one that I hear,
Night,
And day.

Yeaps...

I read an article a couple of days ago, it hit me hard to be honest. It was saying that whether did you really fall in love truly or falling in love because of loneliness? To be honest, I don't really know whether have I ever done the first? But I sure know I did the latter.

My first relationship, was a producy of curiosity of 2 adolescents. By that I mean, we were both curious. And maybe there were feelings involved, can't remember the little details, but I know I have grown to love him then.

It was somewhat a long distanced relationship to me at that time. I was 12 going on to 13. He was a year older then. My parents didn't agree to having crushes let alone a relationship, so we don't meet at all during school days and week nights. Only on Sundays, and maybe Saturdays sometimes. His parents were okay with the idea of him in a relationship. Puppy love, they said. He had his short temperedness I have to endure (and literally fight about). I had him as my biggest secret to hide for 4 effing years. So yeah, it was never fine and dandy.

We have some bad days and also pretty awesome 'good' days. Those bad days I used to call them as 'off days'. Meaning? Total silent treatment. Hahah. I don't want to reach into that, because he still reads this blog I have here. Those good days? Well, little rituals we have. We never go on 'dates'. We hang out. Our little hang outs consists of archery, bowling, movies, just walk around the mall, hang out at his place are a few. Oh yeah, and me doing his English homework.

We have special days too. One of them was his prom night. And those little casual night when he invites me and his friends for a game night of such. He knows I have a tinge of claustrophobic in me. Well, actually he notices that first. I avoid physical contact like holding hands for example or go in crowds. I normally scatter off or feel giddy. This used to tick him off at the start. But now he understands.

Well, get back to the topic. Yeah, I have really fallen for this dude. But, I didn't fall for him when we got together first. So, I can't really say that I love him from the start till the end. But I love him from the moment I did, even till now.

When he left for migration, I felt lost. Heck, I WAS LOST. Its like a missing piece left and I had no direction in life anymore. I became depressed. I guess my next relationship came in too fast in my heart broked depressed state.

The next guy was sweet and such. I knew too many not needed info of him when we became acquainted. But no need for that. Slowly, I think I fell for him also. And he found out about that. He said he felt the same too, and well, we got together. I felt very happy then. Maybe because that empty void was filled.

He was okay I guess. He was older than the first. a year older than the first. Deem more experienced? Maybe. More mature? Not likely. He has the worst level of jealousy. I have guy friends also. And what's more? He tries to make me jealous. I let you to decide whether is that suppose to me okay.

He and I, that is a long distanced relationship. Throughout my 1 year relationship with him, I only met him officially as his girlfriend once. In my high school choir's musical. He is from Sarawak Kuching, but was studying at Seremban at that time. Which reminds me, before I started dating him, I knew he was leaving for the UK for furthur studies, and yet I even agreed to get together with him. And I was like anti LDR by then. That is what love does to people. Make 'em blind.

During that one time he met me, he knew I was afriad still of physical contact unless I am very comfortable with the dude. Yet, he still wanna try his luck. He was damn lucky we were in public and my Pet sis was there. If not he would get a slap from me.

To be honest, these are all not the worst points of him. The worst was after we broke up.

We broke off because he was leaving. I can't stand the 10 hour time difference. To be honest, writing this out is still painful. But I wanna get this out in the light.

Normal people would stop any contact of each other after breaking off.

Not him. He said he wanna keep in contact like we used to. Used to. Used to was when we were dating. We did not become friends before we started dating. Just mere acquaintance. So, he said let's try to be friends. Hell that was hard because he wasn't treating me like one. More like his gf with benefits. He knew I still love him then. But I kept quiet. Bad idea. I asked him one day whether do we wanna try this again. I was giving a LDR a chance. He said, 'I think I have fallen for another...' That was a fucking blow to me. But it was not the last. I fell for my roommate, I fell for my coursemate, I fell for my friend. yadayadayada....

I was stringed, toyed, emotionally tempered with for another extra year and a half before I decided to block all contact from him.

Getting back to the topic, yeah, I had been in love because of being alone. And maybe truly I was in love once. But, all relationships are never perfect to me. I know that well enough. But don't ever string me along. Its painful.

Now, I am happy and single. With weird feelings of like falling for someone in my uni. But, I am pushing all that away. I am letting it go naturally.