It’s the day already, the
day. As I sat on the ledge by the window, watching the stream of raindrops
sliding off the window screen and just zone out into a sleepless dream. I
remember as a child, I would always find two raindrops and watch them race
down, thinking to myself which would reach to the bottom first. I smile at the
thought. It’s time. I took my coat and an umbrella and walked out the door to
the florist.
Just the other day, my colleague, Georgia asked me, “So
Sammy, how are you going to spend Father’s day with your dad?” I smiled and
said, “I am giving him a flower…” The other colleagues heard what I said and
snickered, “A flower for an old man? That must be the cheapest gift anyone
would give to an old man. What a cheapskate!” They do not know what the reason
of this.
I went to the florist near my apartment. The florist lady
knows me well enough what I am going to buy. “Hi there Samantha dear…here to
buy some Sunflowers again?” she asked. She has a little twinkle in her eye when
she smiles. I smiled back and nodded. She went behind the counter and took out
the biggest Sunflower. “I knew you were coming anytime soon, so I saved the
best one for you. Here you go, dear…” She wrapped the stem of the flower and
handed it to me. I handed her some money and said goodbye. “Say hi to your dad
for me!” I heard her say just before I left her shop. She does not know what is
going on.
As I walked to my destination, my mind wandered off again.
It was way back when I was just 5 years old. Pa always would push me on the
swings. That was my first memories of him and I. From the beginning, it was
just the two of us. As I got older, I found out Ma passed on just a month after
I was born. Ma’s good friend, Aunt Lucy had been in and out in my life ever
since I was born. She was helping Pa take care of me while juggling with his
job. Even though I don’t see Pa often during the day, he would always come back
home with stories from the outside world.
When I was 6, I started going to school. I remember the
first week I cried nonstop. Pa didn’t send me off to the first day of school
because of work, Aunt Lucy did. And I was terrified with the amount of
strangers there. On Friday though, he sent me instead of Aunt Lucy. I started
crying when I saw the gate of the school. Pa said something that made me rethink
about school then. “Sunshine, school is a place that makes your dreams come
true…”
I smiled at that memory. I remember thinking of dreams that
would come true then; being a princess at a magical castle, riding a pony and
etc. You know, little girl dreams. But little did I know then, those little
girl dreams really made me who I am, a writer and journalist. Ever since that
day, I enjoyed school.
I remembered the little moments I have that I enjoyed with
Pa. Eating ice cream in the middle of the night, playing baseball in the rain,
drawing stick figures about people on TV are some of the many I remember. I
used to love Sunflowers, Pa too. We would walk pass the florist or the flower
garden and just admire them. He would bring me to the beach and build
sandcastle, and watch them being destroyed by the strong waves at the end of
the day. I remember one thing he did that I loved, which is him carrying me in
his arms and go in circles, like a human merry-go-round. By the end of it, we
would be on the floor giggling and laughing in dizziness.
Pa became much more stable in his job during my junior high
and high school years. One day during my senior year, he brought me out
shopping. It was weird, because I normally only go shopping before schooling
semester starts, and I only buy essential things like stationary and shoes.
“Pa, why are we going to the mall?” He smiled. “My little Sunshine Sunny is buying
a dress for prom…” At that moment, something changed. I became an adult in
front of his eyes. But at the same time, I am still his little girl. In the
end, I have chosen a very simple blue dress. On the night of my senior prom, he
drove me to the community hall. Aunt Lucy was with me too. “Come on Johnson,
take a photo with your daughter, she looks pretty fine tonight!”
I opened my purse. The photo of Pa and me that night is
always in there. In the picture, I was holding a Sunflower. Pa gave it to me.
He knew I loved them so much. He always called me his Sunshine Sunny, his
beautiful Sunflower. He is always my pillar of strength. He was there when I
graduated from high school, entered college and university, he also saw me fall
in love with William, my then boyfriend and current fiancé. He saw and
experienced all of my life events with me, except two, me getting married and
him carry his grandchild in his arms, something he always wanted to experience
but didn’t have the chance.
Pa was diagnosed with stage 3 brain cancer. We only found
out about his cancer when suddenly he couldn’t feel any feeling in his limbs. William
and I rushed him to the hospital, only to find out that the cancer is at a
terminal stage after each test done on him. Even the doctors couldn’t predict
how much time he has left to live.
I was heartbroken. I cried and somehow didn’t know how to
live like a normal person. I sleep little, I didn’t eat. I would be in my
pajamas all day, never go out at all. I couldn’t function as a person anymore. William
tried many ways to make me smile, get me to eat and try to relax, telling me
it’s going to be okay, but I knew it won’t be. In front of Pa, I was strong.
But Pa knew me well enough I was upset. His legs have lost their energy to
walk; now he uses the wheelchair to move along. His eyesight became blurred
because of the tumor. But he still tries to make me smile and laugh, just like
we used to. “Samantha dear…I am alright, leave the worry out of you…I don’t
need it.”
One day, William visited Pa in the hospital with me. I
brought a Sunflower and put it in a vase. I knew he loved it, as much as I do. We
sat beside his bed. There were tubes and needles in him, to feed him and
hydrate him. I felt pain seeing him like this. It was his 6th month
after his diagnosis. You could see his health deteriorating each week. He
became from a well-built man, to a tiny, lifeless body on the hospital bed. When
William and I got there, Aunt Lucy was there already. We chatted for a bit when
William asked Pa something. “Mr. Conner, I would like to ask you for your
daughter hand. I would like to marry her…” I was surprise to hear this. Pa
smiled weakly. He turned to me and asked, “Sunshine dear, do you love this lad
here?” he said in a slurred voice. The tumor is making him harder to speak. I
could feel tears in my eyes. I nodded a yes. In cue, William took out a ring
and knelt. “Samantha Conner, would you marry me?” I remember nodding with
tears. I could see Aunt Lucy crying with joy. I could see Pa smile with tears
in his eyes. I knew he was happy.
But he couldn’t walk me down the aisle. I knew that. He
couldn’t send me off. He did not have the energy to. The final few days, he had
been having seizures, fits, vomiting, and cramps all over. His body is
rejecting any treatment. The doctor asked me to sign the DNR form, DO NOT
RESUSITATE Form. I was broken into pieces after signing that. William did one
thing he knew, is to hug me tight. Pa fell into a deep coma. Whenever I cried
holding his hand, I could see a tear slide from his eye. A week after that, he passed on. He had organ
failure, his heart, his lungs, his liver and his kidneys all gave up one by one.
When he died, it took me months to
understand reality. When I did, it took me many more months to heal myself. I
felt nothing but pain for many months. I was blessed to have Aunt Lucy and
William with me to help me move on in life.
As I walked towards the cemetery, I met by William, he came
straight from work. “Hey dear…” he said, and gave a peck on my cheek. I hugged
him tightly, and we walked together to Pa. It has been 2 years since he passed
on. I put the Sunflower on his tombstone: ‘Here lies Johnson Patrick Conner, a
beloved father and a loving husband.’ “Hi Pa…” I said. I rubbed my bloated stomach.
“Pa, Will and I brought our own little Sunshine to see you. Say hi little one…”
I was 6 months pregnant. I opened the letter Pa gave me before he passed on. He
must have written it when he could still move his fingers. I have read this
letter many times before; I could even memorize the words in the letter, but
reading it makes it feel like Pa is always there, never left. William hugged me tighter and read with me in
silence over shoulders.
“Hello Sunshine,
I know I have little time left. By the time you and William
have read this, I may not be around anymore.
I don’t really know what to say, but I just want to tell you
I love you. Don’t be too sad. I would still be with you in spirit. Take care of
William, I know he will take care of you too. William, if you reading this,
take care of my daughter. I have passed my task of protecting my Sunshine to
you. Take good care of her.
To my future grandchild/ grandchildren, love your parents,
they are not always there with you. I love you too.
Love,
Pa”
