Everybody's drug

I somehow came to realise that falling in love is like a person on drugs. First time falling in love gives you that feeling of wanting more. More than being a crush? More than being friends? More than being strangers? Any of the above. Well, its like that to me anyways. And when those scenarios do happen, you are like high on it. Getting blinded by anything and everything for love.

But like all drugs, some are not good and we know it. Falling out of love happens that way too. You try to reason yourself that he is the one, the perfect one. But heck, no one is. There are flaws. Its whether you could try to overcome them, or to leave.

But trying to get rid feeling 'addicted' to love is hard. This is the breakup. During my breakups, I always seem like the tough one. But technically, I'm not. My mind is my biggest enemy then. I have the urge to message him, to know about his doings, to find out about anything, just like the old days of being together. Sometimes, those withdrawal symptoms are just too much to handle that I give in. And I fall even harder.

Each time I give in, I get broken even more after that. Withdrawal feel.

Its a pain to know the other person you still have feelings for fall for another in such a short period of time after breaking up.

The feel of loneliness during the late nights are killing. Either my mind goes on a wild imagination or that crying is my companion during the wee hours of mornings.

I have never taken any drugs like coke or marijuana, but I think this is what it feels like.

Dreams and Sleep

I used to love dreams. Maybe because they were much more interesting compared to my reality. Some of my dreams are clips of my future I am going to experience. Some are the ones that I wish would happen. The only time when I feel reality is much more happening compared with my dreams are when I happen to fall in love. I would be sleeping late just to talk to him, willing to wake up early to 'Good morning my dear' messages every single day. Even before I sleep I would wait for 'Good night beautiful...' messages. Those were the days when I am willing to do anything with enthusiasm.

But when we break off, all hell breaks lose. I wish to sleep early so that I can leave the pain. But how hard I would try, I can't sleep. Insomnia sets in. Those dreams would cease. So inorder to sleep, I make myself busy and tired enough to fall asleep. But the dreams won't come.

Alphabet People

In life, I have met many people. Its normal to meet someone new. But, do these people stay in our lives? Or do we move apart after a period of time. I call them my 26 people.

I am going to use the alphabets to name them while I write.

Somehow, I have fallen for a guy, let's call him A. And coincidentally, he has feelings for me too. We were young and naïve at that stage in life. Everything we did, there were the signs of first love blossoming, first fights, first kiss, the firsts of everything. But eventually, we grew up. Everything was different when we were younger. We wanted to do things we like, but disagree about the other's action. In the end, we split.

The breaking up period was short because I got together with B. I guess he was a rebound after the first love with A, because just after four months, we split too.

I had fallen for another guy, C, but the feelings were never reciprocated. We are just good friends. C and D fall in love and started dating. E likes me, but I didn't have feelings for him. I treated him as a good friend, and nothing more. I waited for F to come into my life like a storm, but he never came. Or maybe he did came into my life, but because of the long waiting, I didn't have any feelings for him. F is just an acquaintance.

It is this time when I started feeling the nostalgia. I miss A and B. Everywhere I see, I see the things that reminded me of the both of them, the ones that you had fell deeply in love. The toys, the gifts, the photos, the memories all in front of me. I didn't have any clue where did the both of them had went. Both on a different route in life. Maybe found their other half, maybe had been successful in whatever they are doing. I wouldn't know. When something you had loved and taken for granted for had been forcefully removed from you, only then you would want it back. But you can never go back to that moment in your life when you felt everything was perfect. When you learn to appreciate them, its too late.

Sometimes I wonder, how did my life became like this. In my past, I have a few very good and close friends. They are G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N. Some I have known them since I was a baby. Some in my primary school, secondary school. I had been keeping in touch with them and their lives. But some doesn't answer my calls nor my messages, like G, but I didn't bother, because I know they are busy with their lives. I found out that H and I are together and had moved into an apartment. How happy they seem to be in their photos on social media. Its great that they invite me out to do stuff friends would do, but I always feel left out like a third wheel.

After that, J found a boyfriend for herself and started moving away form our friendly circle of friends. A couple of weeks after that, K broke up with her boyfriend of four years. I would have gotten calls from her from odd hours when she feels sad. I would listen to her cry, to her curse her ex, and talk to her about the happy memories we had when we were younger. After about a month, the calls ceased as K had found another guy.

One day, you accidentally gave a call to L. I felt a sudden awkwardness, maybe due to the fact we had been pull too far apart. M is my closest my friend. Maybe because we rely on each other on things, or maybe, I rely on her too much. But then again, she is very busy too. N is the one that argues with me all the time with 'I told you' constantly. But somehow we could even move away from each other too.

You tell yourself, its okay, everyone has their own lives to move on. I have mine too.

I have very good buddies now, they are O, P, Q, R, S, T, U.

I met O at college. We go to our classes together, and go back home together. I felt that O knows me the best of all. But after about three months, we started meeting lesser and lesser. I started to think that maybe, she didn't know me that well. Or maybe whatever we had previously was just a lie? I started to feel that some things that we had experienced before in life, may not be what it seems in the future.

I would sometimes go out and have lunch or dinner with P and Q. All three of us would never thought that in the future we would leave each other. I would some times daydream what would happen to our future.

I met R after that. We messaged and chat from time to time. I would tell R things I wouldn't tell my other best friends. But both of us knew we were just good friends, and nothing more.

S is like my shopping partner. We would sometimes go out for lunch or dinner, and sometimes even just hang out in bars. The time spent with her is enjoyable, adventurous and fun. But no personal information and secrets about each of us were shared. I don't think I even know her family background and other stuff. I asked her about her life before, but she refrained from talking much about herself. I don't ask in the end. Maybe because I didn't want to know much either.

I tried to know T better, but because of his temper, we couldn't. We look like normal friends, but sometimes, we aren't. U is a friend that always help me when I am in need. Its good, but, I always feel like I take advantage on her too much. If I think of it, I know that it is true.

It is at this point where I started to miss the company of G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N. But after so many years, I know that all of them had moved to different towns to find jobs and to continue with their own lives.

I wish to find new friends. I name my future friends as V, W, X, Y. I want to go shopping with V, I want to go for karaoke sessions with W, I want to talk about life problems with X, and go crazy with Y. I made a pact with myself that I will cherish my future friends. But its like a cycle. People come and go.

In the end of your story, there would always be a person that will be by your side when you walk down the aisle to him, and also he will be the who will be by your side through thick and thin. He may be the guy who doesn't know how to be romantic, but he will try to keep me safe and happy, and won't hurt me anymore. I know he will. I know he will come up someday, its human nature. But before he does appear in my life, I have to appreciate A, B, C, all the way up to W, X and Y.

Embrace Someone's flaws, and Not cover Them

I was going through my pile of stuff when I stumble upon a small blue gift box. Instantly, I remember what is inside it. A letter, a self-penned song, a small framed lucky clover and also, a necklace. 'Should I open this?' After a couple of seconds, I took out the contents of the box.

I didn't bother reading the letter and the song, because I could still remember every single word in there. I took out the small lucky clover. I remember how this was my lucky charm and how much importance it had given me as if it truly gave me luck along the way. I put that away and took the wrapper which contains the necklace.

It was a tiny necklace with the word 'I ♥ U' as the pendant. The heart was in pink. Another colour I dislike. I am wondering whether do you ever listen to me to what I say.

The necklace was normal steel I think. Which is why I couldn't wear it 24/7. Come to think of it, I don't think you ever listen.

So what you knew my secrets, my habits, my flaws or my dreams. You know how awkward was it for me to meet you the first time like that. You didn't even break the ice even though we were a couple met online. Heck. I told what I was uncomfortable of. And yet you say you gonna give it a go anyway. You were damn lucky I didn't slap you right there and then. Maybe because I knew of your temper.

You knew I am not comfortable with physical contact with strangers...even thought we are considered dating. I had problems with physical contact with my last ex until a couple of months later when I got used to it. Yet, straight up yoy went and hold my hand. Maybe I allow it because it was during the show, nobody would see. But intermission you were wondering why don't I want to hold your hand. I actually flinch away. Something I try not to do. Holding hands is one thing, but kissing me is another. You didn't even bother.

I remember telling you straight off I have problems with people just poking me. Even if its friends, relatives or people I am having a relationship with. Then there is the part where I dislike the colour pink for some reason. I tried to wear the necklace. But I didn't like it. You said you try to make me wear something pink. I am actually fuming here.

I notice you tried to change me. To be someone you prefer. Fine. I am more or less a tomboy, a person who is not keen on physical contact unless I have been physically with for months. I feel that that one year we've been together was you trying to change me. Maybe that's why I had so much problem a year and a half to try and move on. Because so much of what you did, I give in because I was terrified to loose you like how I have lost my last relationship. But I know now that you meant nothing to me, especially what your last words were before you left for the UK. "I hope my presence in your life had changed something about you."

Hell yeah did I change. I change my perception on guys. Never to find one who plans to change you when they could've just try and embrace you.

Scars in the past

I was holding onto a piece of glass statue. You know, those things that looks darn pretty because of the many elaborated but yet simple carvings and cuttings of the glass. Each carves and cuts gave a unique sort of colour when admiring it in the light. Suddenly, I thought that piece of beauty was like another thing that was beautiful, love.

Polishing it is like the happy moments you have with each other. All the best memories. You can never have enough of that. To make each of us happy.

Like the glass masterpiece, each cuts and carves give something new. Everyone gets hurt in love... By all the cuts and bruises, whether or not physically or emotionally. But like the glass statue, it you could withstand all of that, it will turn out to be something to admire about.

I used to admire people who was together for so long, not because of the duration, but how far those two has come about. Its like the same theory in the glass statue.

But it there are too many cuts and carves, the glass may not stand it, and break in the end. Too much pain pushes a relationship into that side too. And those tiny pieces of fragmented glass cuts into you and you start to bleed.

Those tiny shards of glass is heartbreak. Each tiny piece punctures into your skin and the blood comes. It feels the same way, somehow. Maybe because each glass is a memory. One memory stabs you where it hurts the most. One piece and another are memories in your mind of the good times, but it makes you cry.

The wound would still be there unless you decided to release the pieces of glass and let time heal. Slowly it will heal by it own and a new skin would take its place, stronger and harder.

You know someone has fallen for you when they do not care of the scars in the past.

Hey...

I know the reason you are not answering my calls... I know you in and out since we were kids...heck, I know nearly EVERYTHING about you. So yea, this couple of months meant a lot to me, especially when my dad went. You were by my side no doubt you know the tendencies of falling again and getting hurt is, well, fucking too damn high. Sorry for the profanity, but I am stating the emphasis. And, I guess you got hurt again.

Sorry.

Well, you really did helped me, again. Jesus, I need to get a grip on myself again.

But I am reeeeeaaaaaallllyyyy very sad that I can't make you smile like you used to again. I miss that.

I miss the times together. Period. I can't express much through words. You know how bad is me expressing. Hah!

And well, yeah, I do read your blog. I love readinng your feelings. Really. Because sometimes, I know something is bothering you, but I have no idea what.

But recently, I don't see anything new on your blog. I miss reading it now.

What the hell. I don't even know what to say now. Hmmp. You see, I know even after these few months, whatever I have felt for those 3 years, or even more, hadn't change. I still, well, pretty much love you. I had tried to move past this, I guess I'm not. When I found out that you moved on and found another guy, I was pretty much jealous and everything. But then if he is the one that makes you happy, I am fine with it. But when I found out that he hurt you again, I wanted to really punch him, or someone. Hah. But then, it was because of me you got hurt again. I was the one. If I hadn't left you those years ago, you wouldn't be like this. If I hadn't asked you for a relationship, you won't be like this. If I hadn't fall for you, you wouldn't get depress. If I hadn't met you, you wouldn't get hurt. I was the bastard.

I'm just as fucked up as anybody when I knew you were hurt. I knew deep down that wound is not gone yet. Because I knew you.

Sighs. I hope you are okay. Especially whatever you are feeling under that smile you have there.

Maybe we can never have what we have again, but it was great Bunnyhead. It was, well, the best.

I love you, no matter what. And I'm sorry.

Gah.

There are times when I try not to get involve. People just pull me in... I make mistakes that costs a lot too easy. Sigh.