Clinging

Did I lost you because I was too attached to you?
I loved you and wanted to be loved too,
I am sorry if any of this had cause the break up.
But I am not letting myself be the blame.


Dammit, I am really losing myself. I really need to get rid of you out of my system, or to get rid of myself.

Dear Diary

(All this, is not real)

Dear Diary,

I want to end this chapter of my life with a bittersweet one, so let’s get started:

I was sitting at the balcony with him, leaning on his shoulder. He was playfully stroking my hair while I was deep in thought. “What are you thinking, dear?” he asked. I was reluctant to tell him what I was thinking but eventually gave in, “I was wondering…well, why on earth you liked me from the beginning?” He was still playing with my hair, when he suddenly replied, “Well, I just like you…”

I moved away from him and looked at him quizzically. “What does that mean?” I asked. “Like what I had just said, I just like you…” I could see he was a little annoyed. “Care to explain that? Because all I remember was that you hated my gut before you tried to become my friend…”

“Well, I liked you personality…you had a very different personality from the people I know. You looked tough on the outside, but deep down, you are a very kind person, lovable, cute also. To be honest, I really didn’t know why I fell for you…maybe, I just liked you.”

He kissed me on the forehead and hugged me. “I know I will never find the same person like you…”

I knew I liked him too. But I also know that he is not the one. True enough, he wasn’t.

I couldn’t stand the way he is, he always never thinks before he talks, and most of the time, the words he says makes me upset. And he doesn’t know why. Some things that are not my fault, he blames me for it, until I really cannot stand it any longer.

But I do miss the times when we were together, he would help me when I am in need, he would make me feel special, he would be there when I need him. I always felt safe when he hugged me, even though I was never a fan of hugs or embraces.

I guess the only thing I remember about him the best was during the time when we both decided to stay at the city till late at night, during New Year’s Eve. It was weird to be there, sitting by the fountain. We were looking at the late night sky, just waiting for the fireworks. We told each other that we wanted to make a wish and then tell each other. Suddenly at the stroke of midnight, the fireworks came and went. Both of us closed our eyes, him hugging me. After a couple of seconds, I heard him asked, “So, what’s your wish?” I cocked my head to a side and said, “Well, I just want this to not end…” Then I turned to look at you, “What’s your wish?”

He gave a thought and said, “Well, you wanted to stop time and wish this was forever. I want more things like these to happen every time.” And with time, he kissed me, the first time. It was weird, but who cares.

I guess I was too engrossed at being with you that I let myself get hurt far too many times. You blamed me for ridiculous things. You blamed me for not letting you move on after we had broken up, you blamed me that I was confusing you, you blamed me for not ignoring you after we had broken up, have you ever thought of me?

Have you ever thought of the ways you had toyed with my feelings? Have you ever thought of the words you had hurt me with and why it had hurt me? You will never know how many times I forgave you or even tried to forgive you.

I guess maybe it is my fault. But it’s too late to change any of that now.

 I am sorry, but I still love you.

 

This will be the final chapter of my life with you, I know I will miss you. Bye.

Conversation

Guy: Hey, I haven't had the time to catch up with you, what's up?

I saw this on my social network account. I was not sure whether to reply him, especially after so long.

Guy: Hey, you there?
Me:  Hey there. I am fine.
Guy: It has been awhile since I last chat with you.
Me: Yeah.
Guy: Are you still mad at me?

I was. But I didn't want to let him know so, I will just have to lie.

Me: No. I'am all fine. I am getting used to the new chapter in my life. I am trying to forget the past and move on. Finding new habits, using back old ones. Yeap, I am fine.

I dreamt all this the night before. I got up with a tear stained face. I guess I do have problems getting over you.

Sigh

Shedding a tear every night,
Doesn't make me any less weaker.
Thinking of you every time,
Does make me trying to forget you more.

All the constant memories that comes up,
Is just making me wonder whether I shouldn't have lose you in the first place.

<3

Looking at the same thing, but seeing it completely different <3

Telling Myself

Telling myself to stay away from you,
Everyday trying to not think of you,
Telling myself you are better off without me,
But just getting even more upset.

On any social network,
Trying to stay away from your past messages,
Telling myself it would hurt me once again,
But half of 'What's on my mind?' posts are all about you.

Maybe you would move on easier compared to me,
If I leave you alone.
But I know I have even more problems getting used to not have you anymore.

The Swings

Sitting on the swing, letting the cold air touch my warm cheeks covered with the tear stains. I knew at that moment I made a bad move, a wrong choice. Now, I feel all alone.

 It was at the same place where I decided to end all of it. It was the first place where we met too, by the swings. I met Drew when I was 6. We were playing at the swings and soon enough we became good friends. All through our childhood up till we were 16, we always played by the swings, it was kind of like our favourite hangout place.

Since my 15^th birthday, I had a little crush on Drew. Yeah, I know. Crush on the best friend type of thing. But somehow, I found out he liked me too. That was when I was 16. It was then when we got together. For 3 whole years we dated, we kissed, we hugged, we laughed, we cried, we did practically everything. It was the best feeling to have your best friend be your boyfriend, but at some point, I have no idea what got into me.

There was this period of time when I felt very tied down in this relationship and I am not sure why, even till now. I kept bringing on fights and quarrels over stupid reasons. That period was just 4 months when I decided to call it quits.

It was at the swing where I broke off with him.

Both of us were on the swings when I said, “Drew, I feel like we should end this...” I saw the shock in his eyes. “Why?” I just shook my head. Whatever happened after that was all a blur. I remember telling him, “We could be friends again, right?” He just mumbled a yes and left. Since then, we never really became friends. He shied away from me when I tried to talk to him, go near him, be with him. I felt very sad and regretful.

I got to my senses that I still love him. I would constantly text him and call him, but he never ever did reply my calls or messages. During his 20^th birthday, I wanted to surprise him with a cupcake. I went up to his street to give it to him. But before I got up to his porch, I saw another girl at the doorbell. Then, I saw Drew opened the door and gave the girl a kiss. It was then I felt I had completely lost him. I threw the cake on the ground and ran, ran towards the swings. I sat there for hours, just crying.

It was nightfall already when I finally stopped crying. I knew it was my fault to ever let him go. Even till now.