Freshmen

I written this to get rid of my feelings that I wanted to get rid of. If you think this story is messy, I apologize. I was not in the mood to do so. I wrote this from how I feel. This is inspired by the song 'The Freshmen' by The Verve Pipe. Enjoy...
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Previously, I was a rebellious kid; I was raise by a single mum. In school, I bullied everyone and was dating one of those bad boys in school, Danny until college. A friend of mine, George, kept telling me not to date him for he is a punk and a boy who had a bad reputation in the school’s disciplinary board. But, I didn’t take his advice. My mum advice and tell me often not to go out with Danny. But, still, I didn’t listen to them. Until one day…

I was going out with Danny near a very run-down cinema place. We were watching a show which I couldn’t remember well. We were watching this show when Danny started to touch my right arm which was starting to make me feel a little uncomfortable then. I move my right arm away from him, but soon, he put his arm around me which made very much more uncomfortable. I shrugged his arm away, trying to get rid of this. And again, he tried to touch my arm again and again I tried to get him away. “Kristin? Baby, what’s wrong? Hmm?” he asked, this time, he tried to nuzzle my neck. I pushed him aside, “Danny? Can you stop doing that?” He didn’t stop, “Doing what?” This time I was really mad, I pushed him aside and hissed at him, “Danny! Stop doing that!” And then with that, I stood up and left the place, with him following me close behind, “Baby! What’s wrong?” he asked. He caught up with me and caught my hand. He pulled me close to him. I suddenly felt scared and afraid. “Danny! What are you doing?” I asked frantically. He didn’t say anything but he pushed me close to the back alley’s wall. It was dark, very dark and I was getting even more scared by the seconds. My heart was beating at a very deviant rate. I felt my head getting dizzy and I felt getting giddy at the same time, nauseated and woozy. I couldn’t breathe properly, like my airways are closing up. I noticed those lustful feeling in Danny’s eyes. My vision was blurred. He tried to get me out from my leather jacket. “Danny! What are you doing?! Don’t touch me! Daniel!” Before I collapsed, I saw someone pushed Danny off and punched him in the face, it was then I fell into the darkness of the world.

When I woke up, I found out I was at someone’s bedroom. I tried to sit up but a sharp stinging pain went through my chest. Straight, I fell back to the bed. My head began to spin. Again, I felt my airways blocking again. I was gasping for air again when I saw someone came in, the person thrust a small tube into my mouth and miraculously, I could breathe again. Once my eyes could focus on things again, I could recognize who was the person. “George? What are you doing here? Wh…where am I?” I stuttered. “Shh…Kristin. Kept quiet. You are still sick. You just had an asthma attack 2 days ago…and…” he said. “What?! I had an asthma attack?!” I said hysterically, suddenly, another stabbing pain again erupted. “Kristin, hush. You have not recovered. Here, let me help you up.” he said, he helped me sit up. Then, he went to his kitchen and took out a bowl. I peered into it and saw it was porridge. “Here, let me feed you a little.” He scooped a spoonful of it and fed me some of it. George took care of me for a week. He helped me regained my strength. One night, I had this nightmare. It was like the day I went out with Danny. It was like that all over again, but this time, I was very conscious. I kept screaming. In my nightmare, Danny was trying to strip me off from my clothes. In my nightmare, I kept thrashing around. Suddenly, I heard someone beside me, soothing me. “Hush, Kristin. What happened? Shh…calm down…” The next thing I knew, I was in a dark room, with a very dim light. And George was hugging me close in his embrace. “Kristin, breathe in deeply. There you go…breathe in deep. You’ll be okay…your safe…shh…” he said. I was crying hysterically. “Don’t….don’t let him…let him get near me…” I sobbed. He was in confusion, “Who? Kristin, who?” he asked frantically. “Danny…” I whispered so softly, that only he and I could hear.

Soon, my trauma against Danny vanished. George always accompanies me to my mum’s place for a visit. One day, George couldn’t accompany me. “Kristin, will you be okay?” he asked me anxiously. I looked at him and smiled, “George, I’ll be okay…don’t worry…” Since that day when George had helped me, I had changed. I am not like how I am; he had changed my bad ways and had made me feel better compared to how I was previously. I am grateful for his ways. “Bye, George. See you soon…” I waved at him and smiled back. He too did the same. I walked back happily back to my mother’s place. I wanted to surprise her with me coming back, so, I didn’t tell her I WAS coming back to see her. When I reached her doorstep, I felt very excited to see her again. I knocked on the door but she didn’t answer it, so, I decided to open the door. When I opened it, I didn’t see mum anywhere. So, I decided to try the living room to find her. I was very surprised to see mum and a man sitting down on the sofa, talking in the living room. “Mother?” I asked. She flipped her head towards me in surprised, “Kristin? What are you doing here?” she asked in surprise. “I…came back…to see you. Mother, who is this man?” I asked. Mum stood up with a very anxious face. The man stood up, too. “Kristin, this…is your father…” she said. She turned to the man whom she said is my father, “Ryan, this…is Kristin, your daughter. The child that you had asked me to abort…20 years ago…” He looked at me with his mouth wide opened. “My…daughter?” I stared at the man in disbelief. ‘How could this be? I thought my father was dead!’ I thought in my head. The man standing in front of me has dark chestnut brown hair and eyes, which were exactly like mine. This Ryan man tried to touch my face, but before he could, I flinched back. I shook my head unconsciously can’t help not believing it. I felt tears rolling down from my eyes. I started to run out from the house. “Kristin! Wait!”I heard from behind, mother shouting my name. I ran as fast as I could, and as far as I could. It started raining, so, I decided to shelter myself in an old, run-down bus stop. I hugged myself and cried while the rain poured. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. “Ryan, this…is Kristin, your daughter. The child that you had asked me to abort…20 years ago…” ‘What does that mean? I thought. Suddenly, I heard a very familiar voice, “Hey, Kristin baby…what are you up to?” My head flipped towards where the voice is. ‘Oh my God…no.’ I thought. It was Danny. Suddenly, my heart rate was going faster and faster with an anxious feeling in me. He walked nearer to me. I scoot further away from him. “Baby, don’t go…” Then suddenly, he lunged towards me. I screamed as loud as possible, “Ahhhhh!!!!” I struggled for him to let go. “Baby, don’t go.” he said again. “Danny, get your hands of me!” I said while I struggled from his grip. “Someone! Help!” I screamed, hoping someone would hear. He tried again like what he did a few years back at the cinema. I heard he tore the sleeve of my shirt. I suddenly felt my airways closing up again, after so many years. ‘Oh no, not again…I MUST NOT faint off’ I told myself. Suddenly, I saw someone pulled Danny off. When Danny was off me, I tried to breathe properly. It was only then I saw who had pulled Danny off me, it was George. George? I felt a little light headed but I was able to see what was going on. “George! Be careful!” I yelled, which caused a stabbing pain in my rib area. Suddenly, I felt a searing pain across my left side of my face. Involuntarily, my hand flew to my face. And the sight really had scared me, my face was bleeding. My breath left me when I saw it. I tried hard not to faint. Suddenly, I saw a wood plank in Danny’s hand. He used it to hit George. “NO!!!” I screamed. George fell unconsciously. When Danny saw what he had done, the colour of his face was totally drained. He ran as fast as he could, dropping the piece of wood along the way. The last thing I knew was calling George’s name out to the unconscious body and then I fainted again into the darkness. But this time when I went into unconsciousness, I felt like I have to run from something. I was hoping it was just a dream and I could get out from it. When I suddenly fell, I knew at that time I had to wake up. When I did wake up, I found myself in a room, a room that I had never been before. I tilted my head to one side and I saw mother there. I tried to lift my hand to touch her, but I couldn’t. So, I tried to call her, I whispered hoarsely and softly, “Mother?” In an instant, she woke up. And when she saw that I was awake already, she left out a sigh in relief. “Kristin? Oh God Kristin! You are okay??” she stood up and walked towards me to hug me. She told over and over again that she was sorry and that she should have told me about Ryan. “Then, tell him about me now…” I said softly, my throat was hurting like mad. She sucked in the air deeply and let out a very long, shaky breath out. I got a feeling her voice would crack when she spoke. But, she didn’t. “Well, let’s start from here then…” And from that she told me what had happened between Ryan and her. From what I know, is that Ryan and mum had been going out since their senior year in high school up to college. And for some odd perception and things and the mistakes they had done, somehow, they had me. And, actually they wanted to abort me off and come clean for they were still freshmen in college. My mum agreed to it, but, in the end, she didn’t have the heart to do so. And with that, she kept quiet about the pregnancy until the fourth month of it. She went into depression and was thinking of many various ways to kill herself. One day, she decided to take a week of Valium and just take on her life. But luckily, Bryan got back in time to stop her. Well, she felt very bad about it and all. When I heard the last of it, my heart literally sank. ‘I was borne to this world out of wedlock? Gosh…’ But I didn’t want to ask anymore for I could see tears forming in my mother’s eyes. I hugged her close. After that, the nurse came in and injected morphine again into my system for the pain. And again, the whole rollercoaster ride of the nightmare started all over again. The next time I woke up, my mum isn’t there, so I decided to ask the nurse about George. “Oh? Your friend who came in with you? He alright already, just a bit of a bad bruise on the shoulder there…you want me to call him, dear?” She asked. I gave a smile in agreement. Soon a few seconds later, I heard a knock. And a sharp creak from the door, “Kristin? Are you okay?”I smiled widely at him, and patted the side of the hospital bed, “I’m fine. Here, sit.” We talked for a long time. With him here, I don’t feel dick anymore. “Hey, George…when the incident happened, why were you there at the same place at that exact moment?” I asked. When I said that, he looked away, wanting to avoid me eyes which was very odd. “I…er…I was…following you?” he said, still not wanting to look at my way. “Why?” He let out a sigh. “Because…I was afraid you are going to be in trouble.” I looked at him in a state of confusion, “Why did you do so?” Only then he dared to look into my eyes. Suddenly, those eyes made my heart jolt. “Because…because, I couldn’t stand to see you get hurt again.” That statement made my eyes grew wider in shock. ‘What?!’ I thought. “I mean…I…I like you…” There was a sudden silence, which was very, very uncomfortable. Only then I noticed he was VERY near to me, a bit too close I guess. Without knowingly, he moved forward even closer to me. I felt my breath had caught me. Those dark brown eyes just made me melt on the spot. The next thing I knew was him going EVEN CLOSER TO ME, just a few millimeters in front of my face. My heart was beating at a rate I never thought it would. Then with that, he looked at me one last time, he came into that few millimeters and he kissed me, with his eyes close. At that point of time, my breath was gone. I closed my eyes and just try to absorb everything in. Involuntarily, I put my arm around his neck. At that point of time, my mind went blank but what I knew was, I really like this boy. While he kissed me, he moved closer to me. And…heck, I don’t want to say anything anymore. But what I could say is that, both of us enjoy it. I stayed at the hospital a little longer than him, but he came and visited me every day after he had discharge from the hospital. One day after I woke up from my sleep in the hospital, I found a letter, addressed to me. I took it and tore open it to see what was inside. It was from Ryan. I didn’t want to read it but was so tempted to do so. In the end, I read it too.

“Dear Kristin,
This is Ryan. I think I should explain about everything. When I met your mother, I was practically in love with her. And I can see that she is too with me. But, we were just merely freshmen when we did the mistake. I know God will punish us for our sins. But, I thank my lucky stars that your mother didn’t abort you. And also, I was glad that I got back in time to stop your mother from taking that whole bottle of Valium. But, since then, I didn’t see your mother anymore. For nights, I couldn’t sleep well and always kept sobbing on the floor late at night. I was really worried for her. Just recently, I found her. We were just talking about how things are going on the last few years when you walk into the living room that day. I just want you to know that’s it’s not your mother’s fault you are born into this world without a proper family or whatsoever. But, all I want to say is, I love you…
P.S.
You know the boy who had save you? George I presume. He’s a great guy. And I can see from his face that he likes you very much, and I hope you do, too. Don’t let him slip out of your hand. Take care and good luck.”

When I saw the letter, I was practically in shock. I couldn’t believe that all that had happened before. But, one thing for sure is that, I’m not mad at either of them. ‘George really likes me…’ I thought. After a week later, the doctors said I could go home already. I was waiting for my mum and Ryan to come and pick me up to go home when someone knocked on the door. “Come in. Who is it?” The door creaked opened and George came in with a bouquet of nice, fresh flowers. “Hey, you ready to go” he grinned. I smiled at the sight of him, “Yeah…let’s go!” He took my bags and dumped it into his car. “Where are we going?” “You’ll see…” he said and drove me off to somewhere. It was already dark when we stop at somewhere. We were at a cliff. From the cliff, you could see the most breathtaking scenery I had ever seen in my whole life. The town was so bright like little lamps. It was so beautiful. “Oh my God! George! It’s so beautiful…” He bent down and playfully whispered into my ear, “And so are you…” That statement caught me off guard, “Wha..what?” I stammered. I turned to look at him. He bent down and kissed me. The feeling was magical and breathtaking somehow.

That happened a few years back. In my room now, there is a photo of me and George during our wedding and also a photo of Tommy, our son. When I look at it, I think back of all the things in the past. “Mummy? Where’s daddy?” I turned and look at him adoringly. I picked him up and set him on my lap. “He’ll be home soon. I promise. And after that, we are going out for ice cream, okay?” I smiled.

The Freshmen by The Verve Pipe

When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbin' with my head on the floor
Stop a Baby's Breath and a shoe full of rice, no...

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbin' with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lack in relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbin' with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We were merely freshmen
We were only freshmen
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I seriously love this song... =)

This calms me...

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together. A time to embrace, a time to refrain from embracing. A time to keep silence. A time to speak. A time…to love…”

Remember this? Remember...?
In a time like this, I need this to remind myself that God and also you love me oh so dearly... =)

I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you.

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you..."

A new story coming up soon! Wait for it! =)

That was the last time I saw him

This type of stories normally isn't something I normally don't write...so, here it is...enjoy...

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My father used to be my role model in my younger days. He was my pillar of strength, my shoulder to cry on. I loved him as much as he loved me. He pampered me and lavished me with many presents. He taught me music and shaped me into a child prodigy in music. Everything was going very well, until one day. One night, I went downstairs to get something. It was already going to be 1 o’clock in the morning when Father came home, with a bottle in his palm and very red in face. Mother came down and started yelling him, he too, yelled back. I did not understand what they were arguing about because I was still very young at that time. But it made me feel sad when they did that. They fought and argued occasionally for a long time. This scenario happened every single time like it was on a repeat button or something. But one day, something different happened in the routine. They were yelling at each other when I saw my father took out his old luggage bag and threw some of his things into it, packed it up and walk out of our front door and never returned.

When I was growing up, I soon learned bits and pieces about what had happened that cause my parents to separate. I found out that father had cheated on mother. That made me felt angry. Soon, I hated my father for doing so. One day, I had gotten an invitation to audition in the world most prestigious music college in the world in London but I declined the offer. Because it was the exact same music school my father wanted me to go. Since he left, I stopped playing the piano. I don’t want to remember nor follow in my father’s footsteps nor his dreams. For 5 years since he had left our home, I had never saw him once.

One day while I was out grocery shopping for mother downtown, I saw someone lying on the pavement, hugging his torso area, in agony. It was a man. When I got to him, I was shock to see who he was. It was father. He got a glance on me and fainted in my arms. You may think I would leave him there to die right there, right? Well, I didn’t. Even how much I hate my father at that time. He was still my father and forever will be. So, I quickly dialed 911 and called for the ambulance. Soon, the ambulance came and I went with him. I waited and waited for nearly an hour before the doctor who was examining my father came out from his room. It was Mr. Robinson, our family doctor. When he did come out, I asked how my father was doing. The news he told me broke my heart. Father was having a stomach cancer. The cancer had spread to his lungs and liver. And he was not going to live long; he was having the third stage of cancer, the last stage. That piece of news hit me hard. I never once thought that he would die. At that point of time, I didn’t know what to do. I felt…alone. “Go in and see your father, Lily. He misses you…” he said and that, he walked away, leaving me to decide whether or not to go and see him. I sat down outside his ward and let everything sank in. After a few minutes or so, I decided to see him. When I got in, he was conscious already after all the medication. I saw in his eyes he was very happy to see me. With tears in my eyes, I asked “Why didn’t you tell us? Why?” I knelt close to him and asked again, “Why?” His once strong fingers now felt so weak wiped away my tears, “I didn’t want you and mother to be worried about me…I’m sorry for not saying…” he too started tearing a bit too. He pulled me close to him and hugged me tightly.

The doctor said that he may only live for another 3 to 4 months, which was not long. I visited him in the hospital every day. One day in the hospital, I found out something that made me regret for hating my father. I went back home, fuming. When I got back home, I yelled, “Mother! Where are you?!” Mother came down and asked me what was going on. I didn’t care to answer but got straight to the point, “Was it you who were having the affair? Not father?” When I said that, I can see it in her eyes that she knew I had found out the truth. We argued over and over but in the end, the cat is out of the bag. No more secrets and lies about why did they went through the divorce. I was so angry with myself for hating my father that way. I wanted to kill myself for doing so. I went to the hospital straight after that to see him and to ask him to forgive me. “Lily, I already had forgiven you…I just don’t want you to hate your mother because she had done something wrong…don’t hate her too…you’ll need her…” he said. I hugged him tightly and said, “But she made me hate you for something you didn’t even do…she has no right for doing that…” while I cried. He stroked my hair and wiped my tears and said, “Love her as much as you love yourself. It’s not her fault that I’m dying. The Lord wants me to be with him sooner than all of us had expected. Love the Lord too, for he had given me such a beautiful daughter who I love dearly…”

For 4 months, he was okay until one day; he vomited blood in the hospital and went unconscious after that. I rushed to the hospital when I saw Mr. Robinson finished checking up on father. “Doctor….is he gonna be okay?” I asked worriedly. Mr. Robinson looked straight into my eyes with this sad look. From that look, I knew something was amiss. He let out a sigh and replied, “Your father is soon going home with the Lord…give it another few more days…” And with that, my knees gave way and I just broke down. He gave me an assuring pat on the shoulder and helped me up to see my father. When I went into his room, father was on heavy medication and was unconscious. I decided to stay with him for the next few days, not going anywhere but just beside his bed during his last days. He was still not awake the next few days. I normally slept on the chair beside his bed. One particular morning, I felt someone holding onto my palm. I looked up and saw that father was awake. He had this radiant glow in his face. He gave me a knowing smile. I felt tears in my eyes because I knew his time was almost up. “Lily, my beloved daughter, I want you to follow dreams and pursue it. Continue love your mother even if she had done wrong and had hurt you. Love the Lord. And I also want to tell you that…I love you…” And with that, he closed his eyes forever and breathe his last. I followed his advice and went and pursue my music career in the college who had given me the invitation letter to audition in their college. That was the last time I saw him.

Who am I?

Looking through the past
Never thought that it will end
Was hoping it would be forever
To death till us part
But I think we were not meant to be
For if not I won't change my mind
How I think about this
But sadly
I did.
Not that I want.
I'm so sorry.
Who are you?
Or maybe,
Who am I?

Freaky Dream

I had this freaky dream for a few days now. Nearly the same one everytime but the conversation are not. It happened a few days before his birthday. I remember constantly thinking about him every single second when I miss him. Then, everytime I close my eyes to sleep, less than 20 seconds, I'm awake by a shake on my shoulder. My heavy and tired eyes flutter opened. The first thing I saw was his face. "Hello there..." he said and gave me that michievious grin. "Whawhawha what'cha doing here??" I asked, not believing my eyes. I lifted myself up and reached out to touch his face. 'It feels so real...' I thought, 'But it can't be! He's in Australia!' "To see you...I missed you, you know..." And he leaned in and gave me a hugged. "I miss you too...its been a year you know..." He gave me a kiss on the cheek. We started talking until 2 in the morning when he decided he should leave. "Bye and take care..." he said and gave me a final kiss on my lips and tucked me into bed. "Goodnight..." he said as I gave him a smile when my eyes fluttered shut. The next day when I woke up, I can't believe it was all a dream. But it felt so real, even the last kiss felt so real. It happened again for the next few days. On the day on his birthday, he called me. From the conversation, I'm not the only one who had that dream. He did too. I guess it was God's way of granting his birthday wish, which is to talk to me again. Thank you, Lord. =D