Messed.

I guess not talking to you,
Is a norm for me.
But,
I am not used to not having you,
Like every single second in my life.
I really miss you.
I guess the reason you are still on my mind,
Is because,
You were the last to say you love me.
You were the last to kiss me.
You were the last to hold my hand.
You were the last to make sure I am okay.
I don't know whether I still love you,
Or not.

Thank You Valentine

Valentine's day came and went,
And still you were the one who spent time with me,
Even though you are not mine anymore,
And I am not yours,
But two lonely souls.

Out of the 7 years since I our first V-day,
You were my Valentine for 5 years,
As my boyfriend,
My bestie,
My all,
My friend.

I still love you,
Maybe not the way I used to,
But deep down,
I knew you are still there for me,
As always.

[Thank you Alexander Jude Lim Ming Eng for spending with me another V-day again. I knew I was pretty much a trouble again to you. Thank you Alexandra for 'baby-sitting' the both of us again like we used to all those years ago! And to decide to spend time with me and not your guy. *ohmygosh, I have just made you sound so old!* Hope the presents I gave you both of alright, cause what you both had given me brought back sweet memories of the two of you. Love ya. ;) ]

Hurtful Valentine

* I know this is like a very sad story, but I was feeling down and not up for Valentine's Day tomorrow. I guess I have came to hate this occasion after so many things happened in the last three Valentine's Day. Anyway, I am hoping this is the time where I move on, completely.*

 

It was the eve of Valentine’s Day. I thought I could pull myself together, like how I did for the last 8 months. But when I saw him together with another girl, I knew I couldn’t. I ran back to where I came from; my house, my room, my bed, my solitude for the last few months. I knew I had taken too much time to move on, I knew that he was seeing someone right after we broke off, but seeing it is to believe it.

When I reached back home, tears just come out naturally without warning. The ache in my heart was still fresh as if it was 8 months ago. I knew this has to stop. I took out a piece of paper and my pen and wrote my heart out. I wrote until I fell asleep on the table.

I woke up with the sun shining through my blinds. I rubbed my mildly swollen eyes. In front of me was the ‘masterpiece’ I had done last night.

I wrote:

‘It was painful seeing you, knowing that I still love you. Smiling at all the good things that happened between us, crying at all the hurtful things you had made me feel. For many months I cried myself to sleep, because everywhere was a memory of you; the park, the mall, the beach, the shops, everywhere. I knew at some point this has to stop, when time heals. But, when will that be. You told me I was your forever? You told me that even if we broke up at some point you would still wait for me to embrace you back. All those empty promises you gave, and I listened and waited for you. Now, seeing you chasing after a girl you fell for, I felt as if you had stabbed me where it hurts the most.

Was it my fault that you did this? Was I the reason that we broke up? Maybe it was, but you gave empty promises, and I naively agreed. I was stupid for a reason. Maybe this was it.

You told me when you leave, you would come back to me, but seeing you now, it will never be real. The necklace you gave me was a lie. The words ‘I Love You’ was a lie. Everything you told me before was a lie. I never wished I had ever laid eyes on you. I never wished I would know you. I never wished you exist in my life.

The gifts you gave me, the words of comfort you told me, the jokes you made me laugh, were just a scheme to let me fall for you. After that, you threw me aside like I was a ragged doll. I don’t care whether your feelings for me were ever true. Because the hurt you gave me over and over again was enough to make me forget you.’

I knew it was harsh, it was painful, but that was how I felt the last 8 months.

I let out a long breath and went hunting for things around my house. I found a red ribbon and a used milk glass bottle with a cap on it. I took that paper and along with the other things and left with my bike.

I rode to around town and saw many people with their loved ones walking around. Some had chocolates, some had roses, some had jewelry, some and poetry, but all of them had smiles on their faces. It was painful to watch, still.

I rode my bike to the beach and parked it near a tree far from the water. I took out all the things I had in my sling bag near the water. I took out the paper and read it one last time and tied it with the ribbon. I put the paper into the bottle. I was rummaging through my bag when I found it. The necklace he had given me. I stare at it for a while. All the memories with him instantly came back in my mind. I felt some moisture in my eyes. I took the necklace and placed it in the bottle. I closed the cap tightly.

In less than five seconds, I threw the bottle as far as it could go into the deep blue sea. I saw it disappear. I knew that wouldn’t heal me much, but it was a start in the last 8 months. I knew in time I would be my normal cherry self again. I knew I would be.

Rants

Valentine's day in like a couple of days. I rather stay at home and forget all about its existence than to go out and everything that I held dearly comes back and eat me alive. So I think I would be happier staying at home, until an asshole of a bitch decides to text me a message. Sorry for the strong language. I am just pissed off.