Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Lost Memories

I guess you could say it has already been a full 4 years (and maybe some extra weeks here and there) where we had been together 'together'. Minus the years when I started dating after the break up and that you left. The last 6 months was actually the best I had, no doubt my reality was shit. But I don't think I had ever felt sad enough to break down during the last 6 months. No doubt that we are not really together, even though there are people around us who knows whatever between us is true even though we say other wise. But there aren't any photos of us at all the last 6 months. We comply to our own promises to each other that no photos unless we are really serious about this. But I don't want to have photos to look at once you leave. Memories are enough. Hazy, but enough. But I found photos of you when you were 13, 16 and one during 2008 Christmas eve. I was so happy to find them back after I thought I lost them for good.

My favourite was us in the Christmas eve photo. No doubt its just the silhouette of us, I still can remember it so clearly. I hope you remember the day too.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Everybody's drug

I somehow came to realise that falling in love is like a person on drugs. First time falling in love gives you that feeling of wanting more. More than being a crush? More than being friends? More than being strangers? Any of the above. Well, its like that to me anyways. And when those scenarios do happen, you are like high on it. Getting blinded by anything and everything for love.

But like all drugs, some are not good and we know it. Falling out of love happens that way too. You try to reason yourself that he is the one, the perfect one. But heck, no one is. There are flaws. Its whether you could try to overcome them, or to leave.

But trying to get rid feeling 'addicted' to love is hard. This is the breakup. During my breakups, I always seem like the tough one. But technically, I'm not. My mind is my biggest enemy then. I have the urge to message him, to know about his doings, to find out about anything, just like the old days of being together. Sometimes, those withdrawal symptoms are just too much to handle that I give in. And I fall even harder.

Each time I give in, I get broken even more after that. Withdrawal feel.

Its a pain to know the other person you still have feelings for fall for another in such a short period of time after breaking up.

The feel of loneliness during the late nights are killing. Either my mind goes on a wild imagination or that crying is my companion during the wee hours of mornings.

I have never taken any drugs like coke or marijuana, but I think this is what it feels like.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Dreams and Sleep

I used to love dreams. Maybe because they were much more interesting compared to my reality. Some of my dreams are clips of my future I am going to experience. Some are the ones that I wish would happen. The only time when I feel reality is much more happening compared with my dreams are when I happen to fall in love. I would be sleeping late just to talk to him, willing to wake up early to 'Good morning my dear' messages every single day. Even before I sleep I would wait for 'Good night beautiful...' messages. Those were the days when I am willing to do anything with enthusiasm.

But when we break off, all hell breaks lose. I wish to sleep early so that I can leave the pain. But how hard I would try, I can't sleep. Insomnia sets in. Those dreams would cease. So inorder to sleep, I make myself busy and tired enough to fall asleep. But the dreams won't come.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Alphabet People

In life, I have met many people. Its normal to meet someone new. But, do these people stay in our lives? Or do we move apart after a period of time. I call them my 26 people.

I am going to use the alphabets to name them while I write.

Somehow, I have fallen for a guy, let's call him A. And coincidentally, he has feelings for me too. We were young and naïve at that stage in life. Everything we did, there were the signs of first love blossoming, first fights, first kiss, the firsts of everything. But eventually, we grew up. Everything was different when we were younger. We wanted to do things we like, but disagree about the other's action. In the end, we split.

The breaking up period was short because I got together with B. I guess he was a rebound after the first love with A, because just after four months, we split too.

I had fallen for another guy, C, but the feelings were never reciprocated. We are just good friends. C and D fall in love and started dating. E likes me, but I didn't have feelings for him. I treated him as a good friend, and nothing more. I waited for F to come into my life like a storm, but he never came. Or maybe he did came into my life, but because of the long waiting, I didn't have any feelings for him. F is just an acquaintance.

It is this time when I started feeling the nostalgia. I miss A and B. Everywhere I see, I see the things that reminded me of the both of them, the ones that you had fell deeply in love. The toys, the gifts, the photos, the memories all in front of me. I didn't have any clue where did the both of them had went. Both on a different route in life. Maybe found their other half, maybe had been successful in whatever they are doing. I wouldn't know. When something you had loved and taken for granted for had been forcefully removed from you, only then you would want it back. But you can never go back to that moment in your life when you felt everything was perfect. When you learn to appreciate them, its too late.

Sometimes I wonder, how did my life became like this. In my past, I have a few very good and close friends. They are G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N. Some I have known them since I was a baby. Some in my primary school, secondary school. I had been keeping in touch with them and their lives. But some doesn't answer my calls nor my messages, like G, but I didn't bother, because I know they are busy with their lives. I found out that H and I are together and had moved into an apartment. How happy they seem to be in their photos on social media. Its great that they invite me out to do stuff friends would do, but I always feel left out like a third wheel.

After that, J found a boyfriend for herself and started moving away form our friendly circle of friends. A couple of weeks after that, K broke up with her boyfriend of four years. I would have gotten calls from her from odd hours when she feels sad. I would listen to her cry, to her curse her ex, and talk to her about the happy memories we had when we were younger. After about a month, the calls ceased as K had found another guy.

One day, you accidentally gave a call to L. I felt a sudden awkwardness, maybe due to the fact we had been pull too far apart. M is my closest my friend. Maybe because we rely on each other on things, or maybe, I rely on her too much. But then again, she is very busy too. N is the one that argues with me all the time with 'I told you' constantly. But somehow we could even move away from each other too.

You tell yourself, its okay, everyone has their own lives to move on. I have mine too.

I have very good buddies now, they are O, P, Q, R, S, T, U.

I met O at college. We go to our classes together, and go back home together. I felt that O knows me the best of all. But after about three months, we started meeting lesser and lesser. I started to think that maybe, she didn't know me that well. Or maybe whatever we had previously was just a lie? I started to feel that some things that we had experienced before in life, may not be what it seems in the future.

I would sometimes go out and have lunch or dinner with P and Q. All three of us would never thought that in the future we would leave each other. I would some times daydream what would happen to our future.

I met R after that. We messaged and chat from time to time. I would tell R things I wouldn't tell my other best friends. But both of us knew we were just good friends, and nothing more.

S is like my shopping partner. We would sometimes go out for lunch or dinner, and sometimes even just hang out in bars. The time spent with her is enjoyable, adventurous and fun. But no personal information and secrets about each of us were shared. I don't think I even know her family background and other stuff. I asked her about her life before, but she refrained from talking much about herself. I don't ask in the end. Maybe because I didn't want to know much either.

I tried to know T better, but because of his temper, we couldn't. We look like normal friends, but sometimes, we aren't. U is a friend that always help me when I am in need. Its good, but, I always feel like I take advantage on her too much. If I think of it, I know that it is true.

It is at this point where I started to miss the company of G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N. But after so many years, I know that all of them had moved to different towns to find jobs and to continue with their own lives.

I wish to find new friends. I name my future friends as V, W, X, Y. I want to go shopping with V, I want to go for karaoke sessions with W, I want to talk about life problems with X, and go crazy with Y. I made a pact with myself that I will cherish my future friends. But its like a cycle. People come and go.

In the end of your story, there would always be a person that will be by your side when you walk down the aisle to him, and also he will be the who will be by your side through thick and thin. He may be the guy who doesn't know how to be romantic, but he will try to keep me safe and happy, and won't hurt me anymore. I know he will. I know he will come up someday, its human nature. But before he does appear in my life, I have to appreciate A, B, C, all the way up to W, X and Y.