Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The future

I woke up from my bed, not knowing where the hell am I. 'Hey beautiful, nice sleep?' I was shocked to be a man lying beside me. How shocked I was, I didn't know, because I didn't show it. He kissed me on my forehead. That shocked the crap out of me, but I didn't show it too. Who is this man? Where am I? After that was all a blur. I could only remember having breakfast with him. He cooked. He cooked, for me? I don't even know him. Who is he? I couldn't see his face. All I could see was his dark hair, black framed glasses. I noticed I was wearing a ring on my fourth finger. I have never seen the ring before. How odd?

The next thing I knew, we were walking at some place. He holding my hand. How odd? A random guy holding my hand.

Last I remember was that I was in his arms, not knowing what was going on.

Then I woke up. With my heart pounding against my rib cage. What the hell was that? Who the hell was that?

*I had the weirdest dream the other day. All I know was, I have seen this guy before. In another vision/dream.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

< 3, Lesser than Three

In my arms was a girl sleeping soundly. I smiled and gave a small peck on her hair. She stirred in my arms, and slowly opened her eyes. "Hey, good sleep?" I asked. She gave a huge grin and nod. I like morning like this. Silent and soothing. "Matthew?" she asked. "Yeah?" She pulled herself up from the bed and asked, "What is your perception of love? Like falling in love?" I gave a short thought of it before giving her my answer. "Well, I have four aspects towards love..." I replied. "Which are?" she prompt.

"Well, the first is about personality, the mind, and the attitude. I want to fall in love with a girl who is full of positive personality, a girl with personality I would fall for. I can't say what is it, but its just through getting know of the person long enough to find out."

She nod in understanding.

"The second is about the heart of the girl. I want to know about the likes and dislikes of the girl, her interests, her passion. I want to know about what she is in love about, her hobbies, her friends, her favourite things..." I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

"The third is about the body of the girl... Don't get me wrong about this... I am not talking about how hot the girl is, how slender her legs are, how skinny she is." I said when I saw that she eyed me curiously. "I meant by body is that the intimacy I have with her, the closeness, her very presence when she is with me, or that the longing of her to be with me when she isn't physically there..."

"So that means you don't believe in love at first sight?" She cocks her head in curiousity.

I gave a light laugh. "You could say that. The reason why is because, love at first sight never exist. You could see a random stranger on the street and say 'Oh my god, that dude is hot!' or 'Wow, she is sexy!'. I believe that is called 'Lust at first sight', not love.

"So, you wouldn't mind me being fat and ugly then?" Phoebe asked playfully.

"Ah...having a sexy girlfriend who is beautiful and healthy is a bonus to that..." I replied in a low, husky tone.

She laughed and playfully nudge me in the ribs. Her laughs sounds like tiny little bells breaking the silence.

"What is the fourth then?" she asked.

"Well, the fourth has to be the soul. The trust of one another. I am able to let you know every little secret of mine and vice versa. Wanting to talk to you about the daily routines, even though it is the exact same things. Telling you about small little things in life. Also answering your calls at 3am in the morning because you couldn't sleep." I grinned at her when I remembered the times this happened. "Texting you when I wake up in the morning or waiting for your replies. Knowing your happiness and as well as your tears and problems and facing all that together." I traced my index finger on her palm.

"Its like wanting you in a not clingy sort of way. Able to go through life before meeting you, but because I had met you and fall in love with you, I try to think of ways to be happy, with you everyday." I see a shy smiled on her face. I leaned in and kiss her on the lips.

"Well, have you found the girl that follows all your aspects?" she asked.

I smiled. "Some people say that it is impossible to find someone who fits the bill. Like those emoticons on facebook, a heart shape is < 3, lesser than three, why find lesser than three aspects when the perfect person out there could have fill all four aspects?"

"So, have you found her yet?"

"I have. She is right in front of me. And I hope I fill the bill for her too..."

I pulled her into my embrace and kissed her.

I could feel her smile.


*(I was reading a facebook post by 'Matthew Zacharie Liu', go find him on facebook and subscribe. He had written the post somewhat like this. But I decided to give my own twist to it. His post is '4 + 1'. Hope you enjoy this! All credits goes to him!)

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Help.

Seeing your name on the chatbox, tempting to click on it, just to chat with you. But I know, if I do so, all these weeks of holding the grudge against you, ignoring you while I heal, would backfire at me. But I really just want to talk to someone...

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Emotionless

It feels empty... I feel empty. Like something was ripped off from my own body, own soul. I guess it is the truth. Part of me is lost. I don't feel real feelings anymore. No more true emotions. Not even pain, upset, or even happy. I guess its back to the times when I tried to numb my body from pain and sorrow, that I numb every other emotions a regular person should have. But I am not a regular girl no more. Nope. I am an empty bottle, that was once filled with love, laughs and happiness, and was also once filled with pain, sorrow, hurt. I was full last time. To the brim. But now, the bottle is shut tight, nothing could get in and fill that bottle again. I feel nothing now. Not even loneliness. Because I was lonely. Not more friends to laugh with during the day. No more great guy to talk to. No more sweet texts in the middle of the night. Sigh. Nothing. I guess it is better this way.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Sad Eyes

I remember my favourite friend, companion, listener, past away on 12 February 2012, my pet dog.

I had him when I was a year old, I remember my uncle from Penang had 2 puppies who just recently opened their eyes. My parents wanted a dog to keep me safe at that time because I was alone at home while they worked.

So they've decided to bring back both male puppies back from Penang. I remember that 4 hour long ride back from Penang was uncomfortable for them. With the air con on full blast for them, they tried to sleep. The older of the 2 was the alpha dog while the younger one was the shadow of his older brother.

I was at the age of not able to named them myself, so my dad took the liberty to name them Black 1, and Black 2 (Very unimaginative. And yes, both puppies were black).

Black 1 was the older one, the rebellious one. I didn't particularly like him because he bit me once. But he was the out going one, the braver one. A fierce dog he is, he had bitten countless of people before. He has a long tail, short snout, a wolf's eyes.

Black 2 was the younger. The quiet and shy dog. I loved him, he was the one I always talked to whenever I was sad, angry or even when I am happy. He has a very short turf of fur as his tail, sad puppy eyes, a short snout, with a gentle demeanor.

Black 1 was the family's favourite, because he the stronger and braver one. Sadly, his life was short, he grew up to about the age of 12 human years. He had a particular skin disease, becausr of his diet, he eats everything and everything. The doctor said he was suffering and had to be put to sleep. I didn't see him pass on, I couldn't see any animal die with my own eyes. I was sad. Mostly because Black 2 was alone, crying on most days as his brother was not around anymore.

Soon, Black 2 moved on. He was still the quiet dog, but something changed, he followed me everywhere I walked in the house compound, as if protecting me. I would pet him, scratched a spot behind his ears and loves me doing. I remember telling him about my first boyfriend (first ex) and he would patiently listen without doing anything or moving around. The only movements was the sudden movements of his ears for any danger and the blinks of his sad puppy eyes. I remember how he let my then boyfriend to pet him, something he wouldn't allow to my other friends. I guess he knew who my boyfriend was. It was sweet.

After I broke up, I was a wrecked. I couldn't talk to anyone, not even my family. So I talked to Black 2. He would rub his wet nose against my leg and look at me with his sad eyes. I was well after a couple of months because of him.

I never played games with him, because I didn't know how to. All I did was talk to him like a regular person.

I was happy with the relationship I had with him, he is like a brother to me, shared a particular similar soul.

But I lost him during his 17th human year.

A year before he passed on, he had trouble walking, the doctor said because he was old, arthritist. But it wouldn't affect much because he loves to lie down all the time.

Then a few months before he died, a cat died in our drain. We couldn't find where was the dead carcass. For a week we searched, Black 2 found it first, we quickly got rid of the bloated body, but I think the poisonous stench got the best of my beloved friend.

He became lethargic, couldn't digest his food properly and became tragically thin. The doctor said he has a heart problem and only has a few days to live, or even only a week. I was upset, cried and prayed that he would get better. It was a miracle he survived and made a fast recovery.

But the final months and weeks was painful. His hind legs got too stiff to walk around anymore. He needs me to help him get up to stand. He get out of breath very soon. It became like this until he collapse.

He couldn't stand straight let alone walk steadily. The doctor decided to get a blood sample to see if there is anything wrong. But nothing was. He was like this for 4-5 days.

He couldn't stand up, even when I help him. We gave him a blanket, syringe filled with glucose water to feed him

Those few days felt like an eternity. I see him suffer, the doctor said any moment he would pass on. I see him looking at me with those sad eyes again, like asking me whether would I be okay without him. 'Please...you can go now, leave the suffering. I will be okay' was the only thing on my mind.

That evening it rained. I went to feed him and put a blanket on him. He gave a long, soft whine. I pet him with tears in my eyes. In less than half an hour, I saw him breath his last.

I still feel his soul linger around the house, as if he is still watching me. I truly miss him. And those sad eyes.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

20/20 Vision

My mind is more focus now,
My sight is more clearer now,
My heart is less painful now,
I could see, remember and understand why I chose this path,
This decision,
Because you were never meant to be a permanent thing in my life,
Just someone passing by,
Filling my dark life with blissful light,
And leave me in pain to grow.
Thank you for making me stronger,
And wiser,
In making a decision to falling in love,
Because I know the next one I would fall for,
Will be in a very long time.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Karma

I remembered how you would say that if I can't sleep, I could just text you or call you. If I ever woke up in the middle of the night because I was upset, I could talk to you.

I never did call you, all I did was text you at 3.34am, text you 'I can't sleep. I miss you. I love you'. But you replied the next morning at 10am. 'You okay?'.

Your infamous question. 'You okay? Are you alright?'

Now to think back, I am a fool. I've wasted more than 2 years on you. I regretted it. At least now I know you will never be part of my future. I can assure that.

I believe in karma, what goes around, comes around. Whatever you did to hurt me before, I know in a point in your life, you would feel the exact same hurt you've inflicted on me.