A poem

Meeting you was unexpected,
Being friends with you was a coincidence,
Having feelings for you was by chance,
Being in love together is by fate,
Falling apart is by decision.
Being strangers again is just by what you choose.

Slowly and painfully

Never play with other people's feelings
Especially with the woman who loves you and you've hurt before
It's worst than playing a loaded gun
You might forever kill her love
Or hurt her too much she'll stay away from you even if it kills her
Slowly and painfully
Nothing a wounded heart cannot bear
another tear
another hurtful words
Soon you'll hear or see her no more

A long quote I've found online. This shall be the last of you. I've thought you meant good to me. But I guess toying with my feelings overwrites every single thing you did that's right. Goodbye, and never to be seen or heard no more.

Hello, I'm Mae

Hello,
I am Mabel.
You can call me Mae.
I had been through a lot of shit in the last year.
I was battered and got hurt.
I fought to continue having real emotions in me.
I was toyed like a ragged doll,
By a jerk,
A bugger,
Who used to say 'I love you' to me.
I am sick of this.
Never say you will still be there for me,
Especially when you said I was the cause of whatever we had between us fall apart.

Hello,
I am Mae,
Don't say that you want to talk to me,
Everytime you did,
Was because you were upset.
Don't find me when you are sad.
I am not your listener no more.
I am not for you to be played with.
I am not an object to find when you are in distress.
Let the past be the past and never have you in the future.

Hello,
I am Mae.
Get lost.
And never come back.
Ever.

Goodbye.

I knew it,
I knew you had let go,
I has this feeling,
A sixth sense,
But how could you?
Maybe I was naive still,
Inexperience.
But,
I can't blame you that you could let go so easily.
But at least I know,
The feelings you had for me was never true,
Never lasting.
Now and forever,
Goodbye.

Hmm

1. Last hug: a long time ago. Couldn't remember
2. Last phone call: My mun
3. Last text message: A new friend
4. Last song I heard: Daylight by Maroon 5
5. Last time I cried: a few days ago

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: all my exes
7. Been cheated on: no
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: kinda?
9. Lost someone special: yes
10. Been depressed: many times
11. Cried over something stupid: yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12: Blue
13: Purple
14: Black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: Yes
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes
18. Met someone who changed you: No
19. Found out who your true friends were: Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I don't know
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: No

YOUR LIFE.
22.How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: A lot
23. How many kids do you want: maximum: 2
24. Do you have any pets: Yes
25. Do you want to change your name: Maybe
26. What did you do for your last Birthday: I cried
27. What time did you wake up today: 9am
28.What were you doing at midnight last night: On facebook
29. Name something you cannot wait for: To sleep and dream
30. Last time you saw your mother: Just a fee seconds ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: My whole perception
32. What are you listening to right now: Nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: My dog
35. Most visited webpage: My blog/facebook
36. Whats your real name: Mabel
37. Nicknames: Mae, May, Joan, Mab, Mabes
38. Relationship Status: Single
39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio
40. Male or female: female
41. Primary school: SJK (C) Chee Wen
42. Secondary School: SMK Seafield
43 Long or short: Long hair
44. Height: about 5 foot 4?
45. Do you have a crush on someone: I don't want to know
46. What do you like about yourself: My smile?
47. Piercings: on my ears
48. Tattoos: might get one
49. Righty or lefty: righty

FIRSTS:
50. First piercing: ears
51. First best friend: i can't remember
52. First sport you joined: Badminton
53. First vacation: Penang

RIGHT NOW:
54. Eating: No
55. Drinking: No
56. I'm about to: Sleep
57. Listening to: No
58. Waiting for: I don't know

YOUR FUTURE:
59. Want kids: Yes
60. Get married: Yes
61. Career: Of course

WHICH IS BETTER:
62. Lips or eyes: eyes
63. Hugs or kisses:  both
64. Shorter or taller: taller
65. Older or Younger: older
66. Romantic or spontaneous: both
67. Nice stomach or nice arms: i have no idea
68. Sensitive or loud: both
69. Hook-up or relationship: relationship

HAVE YOU EVER:
70. Kissed by a stranger: yes
71. Drank hard liquor: used to
72. Lost glasses/contacts: lost my glasses
73. Kissed someone your not dating: yes
74. Broken someone's heart: yes
75. Been arrested: no
76. Turned someone down: yes
77. Cried when someone died: yes
78.fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
79. Yourself: no
80. Miracles: yes
81. Love at first sight: I don't anymore
82. Heaven: yes
83. Santa Clause: no
84. Kiss on the first date: no
85. Angels: yes

I'll answer honestly O:)
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no
95. Did you sing today: yes
96. Ever cheated on somebody: no
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: the day i was conceived
98. The moment you would choose: at prom during 2008
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: now? Yes. Likely.
100: Do you like the way you look: no.

What if?

Life is full of 'what ifs',
What if I did this,
What if I did that,
Is always the question.
I have a question for myself,
What if I didn't want to let you go?
What if I agreed to going overseas with you?
Will we still be together even till now?
Or you left me for someone prettier than me,
Better than me,
And leave me all alone in a lone country by myself.
I might just decided to kill myself,
I might turn to drugs,
I might get myself in prison.
Everything may be a possibility,
If I made a different decision.

Its all just the past

Its shit to know that everything I had hoped for was a lie? Everything I saw in the future just go down in pieces. Well, I was the only person who was just hoping, you didn't. I guess I was the biggest idiot ever exist. And well, I do deserve to die.

Me

Okay. Just wanted to clarify about my name here. I am Mabel Jehanne Soong Yongqi.

My name Mabel was given by my aunt (weird right? Normally parents name their kids, not their aunt). People call me by that name, or shorter versions, May/Mae (People seldom call me that now as I have a friend who uses the same name too and also someone I used to love calls me that), Mab or Mabe. I am fine with that.

As for my middle name, I gave Jehanne as my confirmation name. People wonder how is it pronounce or why the heck did I choose a really weird name. Well, the name is derived from the saint's name I had chosen, Saint Joan of Arc. My parents said to choose a longer name to compliment my first name. So I went and did some research on her. I found out that her french name was Jeanne. But I know people would pronounce it as 'Jeeeeeen'. I then gave up on finding anymore names until I came across 'Jehanne'. And it is pronounced as 'Je Han'. Its weird I know, but I like it. And well, someone was also in my decision making for this name long time ago. He chosed mine I chose his. Simple as that.

Another name people call me is 'Qi', my last end name. Family calls me that, and one other close person.

Also there is another pet name that all the guys in my past relationships calls me, 'bunnyhead'. Not going to disclose why.

So if you call me by May, Mabel, Mab, Mabes, Mabe, Joan, Jehanne, Qi, I pretty much answer you. Lol.

Rants and crap

Ever felt as if you think the person you are having a crush with, has a crush on you? Well, I have. A couple of times. It takes half a chance for that feeling to be bounce back from that same person you have a crush on. But heck, life is never that simple. Its easy to love someone, but having that same person you have feelings for fall for you is hard. When you find that, falling in love is easy. As time pass, being in love is hard again. Its like a mad cycle. I don't see the reason why God ever make such a feeling ever existed. But then again, if love never existed, I wouldn't be here. But if I wouldn't be here, I would not suffer thr consequences of love. Oh wells. I reallg actually kinda give up now. Having to have a perfect love being taken away, is sometimes just plain awful and stupid. You found the person you love that loves you back, and yet you decided to give all of that away. Is just stupid.

Are you okay?

Sometimes, its good to ask anyone once in awhile 'Are you okay?'. But it breaks a person who just got heartbroken. Asking me this a year ago would really kill me emotionally. Now, would be okay.

The end

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear person,

Okay, judging other by first impression is bad. But you are seriously the nicest person I ever met. Sweet and loving girl is all I got to say.

 

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Dear,

I gave you a second chance to get back at it. But you didn’t want it anymore. I regret taking it. I am sorry. Really.

 

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Oh wow. Seriously, I am just going to say, I miss you, and your kiss.

 

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

(Same person)

Dear, you gave me the best memory, not going to mention here, just let your ideas wander. Please take care of yourself and your family especially now. Please hang in there.

 

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Yes Sandra and Alex, I remember.

 

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Dear random girl I met at the driving academy, your stories in your school is so funny! Haha! Really miss you.

 

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

I really don’t know where to begin with. You truly have changed my life and soul. The speech you gave changed my mindset in things. I don’t see many things that happen around me negatively anymore. Thank you, really.

 

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

I am afraid I would bore you again. It isn’t how it used to be, I really miss the times when I could talk to you about everything and anything. What happened between us?

 

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror”

Please love yourself and don’t think of any ways to hurt you. No more. You need to be happy.

The next few

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

 

Dear future husband,

Yeah, I know its cheesy and weird, but I really want to know whether have I met you, or do I personally know you now. I just want to see what have I seen in you to fall for you, to be willing to be married to you. Yeah.

 

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

 

Dear Anonymous,

I really do wish we could talk as much as we used to. But now, I feel its weird to talk to you now. I am sorry.

 

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

 

Dear grandma and grandpa,

I really never met you before, only to see both of your photos on your tombstone. I really want to get to know the both of you. Wait for me. I will meet you soon. I promise.

 

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

 

Dear person,

I really don’t know what to say or do. So many thing you have inflicted the pain on me. I don’t know why I deserve this. I don’t you know how much I am suffering here, right now, right here.

 

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

 

Dear,

I wish really that I could forgive the things you have said to me. Maybe I have forgiven you, but never forget, which is still painful. The amount of times you ask for my forgiveness, I comply. But you don’t know how many memories are still in my mind. Second chance was never meant for you to toy.

 

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

 

Hey friend, I know its weird now to talk like how we used to. You were my best bud, my confidante in primary school. We could talk about crushes, music, boys, everything. Now I see you happy with your boyfriend, I am truly happy for you.

 

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

(All the above are the same person)

Dear Alex,

I really miss you right now. I need someone to really able to talk to. Ever since you left, I am still a wrecked. Maybe not during that one year when I started dating again, but it was never the same. I really miss the way you would tease me since we were kids. I really miss you.

 

 

 

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Dear future self,

Please be patient in so many things. Studies, piano etc. I can’t focus so many things now. Really, I need to be calmed down.

 

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Dear…someone,

You pester me everytime you see me, talk to me. I am trying very hard to forget, but you are not helping, AT ALL.

 

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear Bryan,

Not doubt that I had dated another before you, but to be honest, you broke my heart the most. You left me on the edge of a cliff, not knowing what to do, what decision to make. My heart still aches now. But there’s nothing I can do.

The first 8

Day 1

Dear Best Friend,

Okay seriously, I have no one single best friend. I have a group of awesome Best friends. People who could tolerate my mood and attitude, my craziness and etc. You know who you are. ;)

 

Day 2

Dear crush,

I am not going to write much about you, as I know if I do, people who knows me and read my blog and is from my college will know who are you or something like that. I have no idea why I ever have a crush on you, maybe its just you that I finally come across in terms. Anyways, hope nothing between us would go wrong.

 

Day 3

Dear parents,

Okay, sometimes, you both really need to understand what is wrong with me. I myself may not have a clue what is wrong. I really appreciate that you both to not scream at me everyday. Seriously.

 

Day 4

Dear brother,

Please don’t be a pain in the ass anymore. Sincerely, your sister.

 

Day 5

Dear Dreams,

I really need more dreams. When I have dreams, I feel safe, secure, without a problem in the world. In a world where everything was fine and dandy. I really miss you.

 

Day 6

Hey little stranger,

I really love the way you smile, the way you lid up when you show your teeth to me. I really love the way you are, tiny man. =)

 

Day 7

Dear my 1^st ex, I know everything you had done after our relationship took a turn was trying to get me back, but I am sorry, I know now never to give a second chance anymore.

Dear 2^nd ex, you have hurt me really bad, even till now. I am recovering from the fall, but I know from you, that I will never hand out second chances that easy anymore, if any of my future exes ask me why, this is the reason. Getting hurt multiple times is bad, getting toyed around is worst.

Dear ex crushes, some of you didn’t find out, some of you did. To those of you who did, what the hell, can’t we still be friends after the awkwardness? To those who didn’t, I am happy things stayed that way.

 

Day 8

Dear internet friend,

Sadly, you were my second ex. I really missed the times we go online for so many hours till the wee hours of morning. I am sorry for the pain that happened, but I am not sorry that you had blamed me for so many things that happened.

 

Aftermath

To avoid depression,
Numb your soul.
To remove the emotional pain away,
Make physical pain.
To forget the past to move on,
Imagine as if everything in the past never happened.
To let go,
Is to embrace the pain and say goodbye.

Past Present

Ever think that you might go back to a chapter of your life and revisit? And maybe trying to make amends? Well, I have.

I was on an errand in town when I met those beautiful eyes again. Those dark, mysterious eyes that shine under the slightest ray of light. Those eyes that captivate my heart when I first know her. She was Roxanne. My first love of my life. The last time we met was 7 years ago. Those 7 years was painful initially, but I thought that I had long forgotten her, until now.

'Oh hey Wilson! It has been years since I last met you!' I remember just smiling and nodding. We started small talk when I noticed she was carry a small cardboard box in her arms. In it was so many things. But one thing I saw that caught my eyes was a small pocket watch. My pocket watch. 'Roxy, what are you doing with this stuff?' I asked. She gave a swift glance at it and said, 'Oh? I am giving all of this away. All of them can't be used anymore.' I took out the pocket watch, 'Even this?' I asked. I saw the guilty look in her eyes. 'Oh...I went to many places trying to get the left clock working again...but they couldn't do it...' I told her I would bring it back and fix it then return to her.

When I got home, I opened the pocket watch and gave a look. I remember the reason why I gave Roxanne this because she was leaving to the other side of the world in a different time zone. We knew it would be long, but letting her know that only there was a time difference between our relationship, and nothing else. I remembering nuzzling the back of her neck, planting soft kisses on her cheek, hugging her from behind, letting her lean into me for closure.

Breathing back those painful memories after that was tough, the fights over social media and phone calls. The idea of her crying to sleep every night. The very thought of her pain and what we were going through. I thought everything could work, until the day she decided to call me at 3 am in the morning saying she wants to break up. It was hardest to say goodbye and to let go. But I knew that there's no reason for this if we just fight.

Back to the pocket watch, it was like a locket where you could open it. Inside it was two clockwork device, one on the left and one on the right. I took out a screwdriver and see what was wrong.

It took me 7 hours to fix the clockwork and put it all back together. I decided to give it to her the next day.

I knew where does she stay. It was the same white brick house down by 37th street. I remember cycling to her house every day just to see her. I miss how the way she would smile, and how cherry her laugh would sound like. I miss the way she would comb my hair with my fingers or just ruffle them when I tease her. I miss how her hand would fit nicely in mine when we hold each other.

I decided to write a small note and give it to her tomorrow together with the pocket watch.

When I drove to her place the next day to pass it to her, I saw her kissing with another guy. I knew instantly she was never available, especially to me. I took out the note and scribbled something on it and left it at her porch, with all the good memories of her, especially the way she hugged me and whispers I love you's.

The note I had written was,

"Hey Roxy,
I really miss you. I still love you.
But I could see you are happy the way you are now. "

Comfort can be nice but blinding. Never be blinded something you are comfortable in.

Letting go

Sometimes, all you need is to let go of what has haunt you in the past or gives too much comfort and learn to refocus your goals in life.

Letting go of ex love is really just damn painful at times, and the best cure which most people hate to know is time. Give time to heal and let go. Maybe the good memories of the past is comforting and well, makes you feel special too. That is the painful part, after a relationship collapse, there's no way that feeling would ever be there on a two way basis. But instead of letting go, clinging it makes you feel happy and at the same time miserable.

Rebounds also occur. A rebound crush. A rebound relationship. Some people jump straight to another 'romantic' relationship just to not feel 'empty'. Sometimes, we are just so blinded by the past relationship that we thought being in another right after would work. Sadly, it won't.

A rebound crush on the other hand is more of like thinking another person likes/has a crush on you and you suddenly decided that you do like the person too. This only ends in 2 ways. One is that you find out your crush doesn't like you and he/she founds out you have a crush on them. This sucks because, well, things get pretty awkward and the friendship is just scarred. The other way is that you found he likes someone else. Which also just breaks you again.

Either way, coming to your senses is still a better choice. Like what am I now. Knowing its just all bullshit what you are feeling now and just let go before doing anything ridiculous.

Goodbye old feelings. I need a new one for a new chapter.

Singing.

Ever since I enrolled myself into a music foundation course, people have been asking me why am I not a voice major but a piano major. I reallg have no idea why to be honest. So when I decided to get a second major instrument in classical voice, I was determined to pass both of my piano and voice until I graduate in 2016 (hopefully). But maybe I wasn't cut out to be a voice major in college and university. I can't sing Vaccai nor Concone properly, I can't sing like other voice majors in college who have outstanding voices and ranges, and maybe I can't follow my then vocal lecturer because of the different teachings and I am not used to it.

After 2 semesters as a voice major, I could feel the stress of not being able to sing in proper technique and as a soprano (I was an Alto for nearly 6-7 years and changed to a soprano just last year). And sooner or later, I felt burdened to go for classes in college. I even enrolled into a private vocal instructor when I had passed my audition as a voice major. So dropping out from a double major student to a piano major student, many people do asked why? It is sad because I like singing more than piano to be honest. Maybe I did chose the wrong instrument at 12. Oh well, trying to pass my piano jury that is next Monday till year 2 than I would opt for research than grad recital. But definitely I would continue singing and explaining to the ones who asked why am I not a voice major. :)